Is mediation possible?

[Bamboo]

Let me preface this post by stating that my wife has never, as far as I know, received an official diagnosis of BPD. She has however displayed numerous BPD behaviors since announcing that she wanted a divorce six months ago, and in hindsight throughout our 13 year relationship. I shared some relationship details in the following thread:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=301955.0

My wife's decision to divorce came out of the blue from my perspective, and after hearing the details my therapist described her behavior as impulsive; she had no realistic plan for physical separation, let alone legal separation and divorce. At the time she believed divorce was a simple matter of downloading a document from the internet and paying $350 in filing fees. Despite not wanting a divorce myself, after some research I recommended mediation as the least acrimonious and least expensive path to give her what she wanted, and she agreed.

At our orientation meeting on October 17 the mediator recommended that we both retain legal counsel. This recommendation also appears in his informational literature, as well as in the mediation contract. On October 23 after my wife's suggestion that we meet to talk about our expectations for mediation, I called her and told her over the phone that I had communicated with a lawyer. I also shared my lawyer's suggestions about spousal support, as she earns more than I do and she currently provides health insurance through her work. My wife said she believes I am entitled to nothing and then threatened suicide (which is a thread in itself). But after further discussion via phone we agreed to continue the process.

Last week I ignored a premature request from my wife to send a list of what I want from her to end mediation, and we are currently working via email, with the mediator Cc'ed but silent, to refine our financial statements. Today the process started to break down after I reminded my wife of assets she has not disclosed. My lawyer and the mediator have both explained that whether or not they are included in mediation, all assets must be disclosed on our financial statements. But she believes our condo and property she owns with her father are irrelevant. She also stated that I have not been transparent about retaining a lawyer (untrue and irrelevant) and suggested that I am trying to end mediation (also untrue). Based my wife's pattern of burning everything to the ground and essentially working against her own best interest over the past six months, I am concerned.

My gut instinct was to reach out to a member of my wife's family to seek support from her. She is acting irrationally, and it seems like emotions are currently preventing her from participating in the process in a productive manner. Does anyone have suggestions about how to proceed? How can I help her put aside anger and mistrust, while still standing up for myself to some extent?

[david]

I went through one mediation with my ex. It was an effort in futility.
Divorce is another matter. You need to learn the rules of the game and use them to achieve your desired result. It is a negotiation of sorts. Ma

[david]

Make a list of non negotiable things that you will not give up on and a list of things you could ask for but isn't a deal breaker. By giving up some of the things you are willing to give up you allow the other party to "win". Don't show your cards or the evidence you have to achieve your goal. That is saved for if/when you are in court. If you agree beforehand that is a success and you don't need to reveal anything then either.

[Bamboo]

Thank you David. I'm hoping we can get to the negotiation phase. Presently she is struggling to come clean with a financial statement, which we need before anything else can happen.

To add to the complexity of the situation, last night after posting here I found an email in which my wife stated that she had also consulted with a lawyer. So her insistence that my retaining a lawyer is somehow a sign that I don't want to mediate makes even less sense. My parents, who have been providing moral support and guidance, have cautioned me not to call her on this.

[livednlearned]

Hi Bamboo,

Welcome and hello  

I'm sorry for what brings you here -- divorce with BPD involved is really tough. Based on her family history, and her own behaviors, I can see why you suspect BPD.  

How can I help her put aside anger and mistrust, while still standing up for myself to some extent?

Her inability to trust is fundamental to her BPD, sadly. You have probably been split black in order for her to preserve a sense of herself in a positive light, an essential move in her mind (though likely not conscious). In other words, you are the last person who can put aside her anger and mistrust at this point.   

People with BPD tend to engage in black + white thinking. If she is behaving badly, she has very few psychological resources to process negative emotions, especially ones she is responsible for generating, so she projects this "badness" onto you, where she can deal with it safely from a distance.

It is so emotionally chaotic and out of control for people with BPD, that you have to be the person providing that control and structure. As hard as it may be to see it this way, providing boundaries and firm limits is an act of love. She cannot provide boundaries for her out of control behavior, so to help her, the best thing you can do is be assertive (different than aggressive) and stand firm.

She may not regard the mediator as being enough of an authority figure (same for her lawyer, if her lawyer counsels her to do something she doesn't feel is fair). Often at this stage in divorce, people with BPD are looking for someone they perceive as a "punitive protector," who will take their side and see fit to punish you. A very high-conflict person will even defy the judge, when it comes to that.

I'm so sorry. These divorces are heart breaking, and you care about her and didn't want this to happen. I eventually stopped engaging directly with my ex because I had become such a trigger -- he was stuck in a loop, some kind of script where I was assigned the role of his BPD mother, and any semblance of the man I married was gone.

Don't sabotage yourself if you can avoid it. Like david mentions, write a list of items that are non-negotiable, and if possible, distance yourself from the process. You could be the best negotiator and mediator in the world, the kindest most compassionate and loving person, fair and honorable and good, and yet, you are still a trigger for her and your engagement is likely to cause her to dysregulate even more.

Assertive boundaries are your friend and hers, whether she acknowledges them as such or not.

LnL

[david]

Pointing out lies or misrepresentations will not help.
 
I made lots of mistakes in the beginning because I wanted to be "fair". My ex took that as a weakness and exploited it every time. Once I emotionally detached enough I was able to let my feelings not get in the way. Your parents sound like they are a good resource for you until you get detached enough.

We went through equitable distribution about 6 years ago. Ex's papers claimed I stole everything from our house and put a valuation of 1.2 million on it. My attorney asked me about that. First, ex emptied our house. I mean emptied. Literally. There were 47 electrical outlet covers and she took them all. I know because I had to purchase new ones and install them. Trust me when I say everything. It just so happens that she posted a bunch of pictures of her apartment online and I copied them and printed out the photos. Her 4 page handwritten list of things I stole and the multitude of pictures showing the majority of those items in her new residence were in my attorneys possession. Because I had that information I agreed with her valuation and requested that she keep everything and just give me my half in cash. When her attorney, during the conference, was given three photos from the pile she grabbed her client and went out of the room. They came back around 10 minutes later agreeing with what I really wanted. Her attorney did not want to go in front of a judge. We were done in about 15 minutes after that.

We have two kids together so I have to communicate with her still. I only communicate through email. This eliminates any false allegations by my ex. I only reply to things that pertain directly about our kids. I get emails that would print out  two or three pages. I read it and only address the issue about our kids. If there is no issue I put it in a folder and do not reply. We divorced in 2010. I used to get 40 to 50 emails a month. I now usually get under 10. I reply to about 3 or 4.

lnl makes some good points about BPD. Providing boundaries and firm limits is spot on.

You need an attorney that understands what your goals are and how to accomplish them. My first attorney was horrible. It was my fault too because I didn't know how the game was played. I trusted my attorney would just take care of it and I would sit back. I learned that my attorney doesn't know what I wanted to achieve because I didn't really know. Eventually I figured out my part and realized my attorney was not the right person. I found another attorney and thinks worked better. This site and your parents would be a good help in this area.

Once you understand what you want you will need to provide things to your attorney for him/her to achieve your goal. That requires communication between you and your attorney. My attorney lets me know what to expect and what he needs to get what I want. My job is to get what he needs or tell him I can't get that and together figure out what I have that would help.

[Bamboo]

Thank you for the responses. This message board has been an excellent source of support. Communication has gone quiet so far this weekend thankfully.

[ForeverDad]

Sadly, you can't trust what she claims or says unless it is documented.  She is approaching mediation as though it is her setting her terms, take it or else take it anyway.  That's not mediation.  This is not a time to expect her to set aside her emotional baggage with you and be a reasonably normal person.

You will have to try mediation, many courts require that it is attempted before proceeding to the big issues.  If you have minor children then there will need to be a temporary order from the court on temp custody and temp parenting schedule.  Don't wimp out there.  As david wrote, being too fair or accommodating can bite you later on.  Get the best temp order possible, realizing that unless strongly contested judges will often default to mothers.  If you have serious concerns for the children, make sure they're voiced.  Have documentation at hand to present but understand temp order hearing are usually brief.

However, just because most early mediations fail in our high conflict case does not mean negotiating won't succeed later.  It can occur just before a major hearing or trial.  After a long two year separation/divorce process, I walked into court for my Trial Day and was greeted with the news she at least was ready to settle.  She had a very favorable temp order and so she delayed as much as she could, she had no incentive to settle before the last minute.

So yes, try mediation, it is the right thing to try, but understand full well that if her terms are unreasonable then you may end up in court anyway.  As I often note, You are likely to get more from a judge in a courtroom than the crumbs an obstructive spouse will grant you in mediation or a settlement conference.