exBPDgf asks to break up then demands back into a relationship status or else..

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

my exBPDgf and I were in a recycle, I had told her that I wouldn't officialize our relationship until she started treatment. It's been 2 months since the recycle, she's abusing me physically every week and emotionally on a daily basis and despite our monogamous agreement, she wants me to ask her to be her boyfriend, and she gave me the ST the whole day yesterday and today when I tried to reach her for the third time she told me she wanted to break up, and after a while talking she started demanding that I ask her to be my girlfriend and I couldn't believe it, she said if you don't assume me now, I'll block you and never see you again.

How can she ask me that while she treats my like garbage and via text message in the middle of a break up? I'm in awe, I told her I just wanted her to respect me and I just needed that first before that, but she couldn't accept even talking on Sunday, it had to be NOW. Sounds like a 2yro that really wants a G.I Joe.

I don't feel so good right now, I'm really restraining myself to do what she wants. I would never have believed she would do this, I thought she was breaking up for good then she asks me to ask her in a relationship.

Would it really be wrong if I did what she wanted? I don't want to loose her but this is not the time, she's acting like a child and she's still not respecting me. I feel like my head is spinning, I can't make this decision right now.

[Hlinthewiking]

my exBPDgf and I were in a recycle, I had told her that I wouldn't officialize our relationship until she started treatment. It's been 2 months since the recycle, she's abusing me physically every week and emotionally on a daily basis and despite our monogamous agreement, she wants me to ask her to be her boyfriend, and she gave me the ST the whole day yesterday and today when I tried to reach her for the third time she told me she wanted to break up, and after a while talking she started demanding that I ask her to be my girlfriend and I couldn't believe it, she said if you don't assume me now, I'll block you and never see you again.

How can she ask me that while she treats my like garbage and via text message in the middle of a break up? I'm in awe, I told her I just wanted her to respect me and I just needed that first before that, but she couldn't accept even talking on Sunday, it had to be NOW. Sounds like a 2yro that really wants a G.I Joe.

I don't feel so good right now, I'm really restraining myself to do what she wants. I would never have believed she would do this, I thought she was breaking up for good then she asks me to ask her in a relationship.

Would it really be wrong if I did what she wanted? I don't want to loose her but this is not the time, she's acting like a child and she's still not respecting me. I feel like my head is spinning, I can't make this decision right now.

[Hlinthewiking]

She blocked me

[Curiously1]

my exBPDgf and I were in a recycle, I had told her that I wouldn't officialize our relationship until she started treatment. It's been 2 months since the recycle, she's abusing me physically every week and emotionally on a daily basis and despite our monogamous agreement, she wants me to ask her to be her boyfriend, and she gave me the ST the whole day yesterday and today when I tried to reach her for the third time she told me she wanted to break up, and after a while talking she started demanding that I ask her to be my girlfriend and I couldn't believe it, she said if you don't assume me now, I'll block you and never see you again.

How can she ask me that while she treats my like garbage and via text message in the middle of a break up? I'm in awe, I told her I just wanted her to respect me and I just needed that first before that, but she couldn't accept even talking on Sunday, it had to be NOW. Sounds like a 2yro that really wants a G.I Joe.

I don't feel so good right now, I'm really restraining myself to do what she wants. I would never have believed she would do this, I thought she was breaking up for good then she asks me to ask her in a relationship.

Would it really be wrong if I did what she wanted? I don't want to loose her but this is not the time, she's acting like a child and she's still not respecting me. I feel like my head is spinning, I can't make this decision right now.

BPD is a serious mental illness. It won't just go away. What you see now is what you get. If you have decided that you do not want to be in a relationship with her unless she agrees to your condition of her getting treatment first then stick to that. She is trying to get her way but you need to stay firm with your boundaries. She seems to bring a lot of fear out of you and she probably knows it works on you well. Making matters urgent so that you comply immediately. How would you feel if you complied? You either stick to what you want to do or you give in to her threat and what she wants. Can you risk losing her? Can you give up your self respect? I suggest you just take a step back, take a deep breath and take time to think about what you decide to do.

[Curiously1]

She blocked me

She's messing with you. At least you get some peace and quiet. Don't be afraid of losing her. She may come back. Reflect on whats important to you.

[Hlinthewiking]

I asked a friend for help, she got me a bit calmer, I was in panic when I posted this.

  Curiously1, Unfortunately my self respect is long gone :/, but I will try to do like you said and don't rush into decisions, knowing her I think I'm history, unless I drop on my knees and beg her mercy, she likes it when I crawl. My boundary today was, I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect me, if you want a relationship with me you need to show me you respect me first, I intend to keep it if I'm strong enough.

The abuse had been worse and worse every week, she has pushed me down the stairs, hit me in the face, pulled my hair and beard, I had a surgery last week, a tonsillectomy, but the recovery is very long and painful for adults, there is also a risk for hemorrhage, I need 30 days of rest, first 10 days in bed basically, I can't eat hardly anything, I just started to speak again, ever since I got that surgery she hasn't treated me like a human being.

After the surgery she asked me if I wanted her to go see me on the hospital, I said she could go if she wanted, I would be out on the next day, I was just trying to be nice, she took it as I didn't want her to participate in my life and argued with me all day while I was in the hospital bed, I had no choice, I had to tell her that I needed to take care of myself and I was getting medication every 3h, I couldn't ague with her all day and night, I also needed rest, ever since then she completely changed on me, she pretended or tried to care about me but at the same time, she came to see me on the next weekend 3 days after my surgery and I warned her I couldn't speak, was in a lot of pain and I needed rest, I don't think she took it seriously, when she got to see me, she complained about my bad breath, which is normal for this kind of surgery, got bored, wanted to have sex, I said I couldn't, I even said she could try if she wanted to, but I couldn't move, next day she left early, gave some bs excuse but I could see she couldn't stand me.

I think she has no capability to care for me, since I'm post op and need 30 days rest, I don't think she can handle that.

I love her to death, I miss her so much, but at the same time I have no idea how to improve this situation.

My therapist said it would only get worse and I don't think that is possible unless she kills me. Has anyone come even close to this? Is there any hope? When she's with me she treats me a bit better then when we aren't together, despite her tantrums where she gets aggressive, she said I love you and calls me loving names, after the surgery, when we are talking via text or phone she treats me worse then a stranger.

[Curiously1]

I asked a friend for help, she got me a bit calmer, I was in panic when I posted this.

  Curiously1, Unfortunately my self respect is long gone :/, but I will try to do like you said and don't rush into decisions, knowing her I think I'm history, unless I drop on my knees and beg her mercy, she likes it when I crawl. My boundary today was, I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect me, if you want a relationship with me you need to show me you respect me first, I intend to keep it if I'm strong enough.

The abuse had been worse and worse every week, she has pushed me down the stairs, hit me in the face, pulled my hair and beard, I had a surgery last week, a tonsillectomy, but the recovery is very long and painful for adults, there is also a risk for hemorrhage, I need 30 days of rest, first 10 days in bed basically, I can't eat hardly anything, I just started to speak again, ever since I got that surgery she hasn't treated me like a human being.

After the surgery she asked me if I wanted her to go see me on the hospital, I said she could go if she wanted, I would be out on the next day, I was just trying to be nice, she took it as I didn't want her to participate in my life and argued with me all day while I was in the hospital bed, I had no choice, I had to tell her that I needed to take care of myself and I was getting medication every 3h, I couldn't ague with her all day and night, I also needed rest, ever since then she completely changed on me, she pretended or tried to care about me but at the same time, she came to see me on the next weekend 3 days after my surgery and I warned her I couldn't speak, was in a lot of pain and I needed rest, I don't think she took it seriously, when she got to see me, she complained about my bad breath, which is normal for this kind of surgery, got bored, wanted to have sex, I said I couldn't, I even said she could try if she wanted to, but I couldn't move, next day she left early, gave some bs excuse but I could see she couldn't stand me.

I think she has no capability to care for me, since I'm post op and need 30 days rest, I don't think she can handle that.

I love her to death, I miss her so much, but at the same time I have no idea how to improve this situation.

My therapist said it would only get worse and I don't think that is possible unless she kills me. Has anyone come even close to this? Is there any hope? When she's with me she treats me a bit better then when we aren't together, despite her tantrums where she gets aggressive, she said I love you and calls me loving names, after the surgery, when we are talking via text or phone she treats me worse then a stranger.

That's horrible. I wish you a speedy recovery 
You are stronger than you know. Keep trying to stick to your boundaries and you will gain more of your self respect back and that is going to make you feel a lot better.

What's she's doing is really abusive and inconsiderate to your needs. She's really unaware and cannot put others needs above her own. You've already told her you wouldn't be able to speak and move properly still she carried on. It just shows her lack of regard and empathy.

Her treatment of you will probably get worse because you are still stuck in hospital you are right. But she has blocked you for now right? Perhaps see this as the best thing for you in the meantime. Having space.

Unfortunately yes, she doesn't have the capacity to care for you the way you need to be cared for. If she doesn't believe she'll get anything out of it she just won't have the heart to do it. It's really sad. I see this kind of attitude/behaviour in my exBPDgf too.

For example,
Earlier this year my exBPDgfs' friend (they aren't friends anymore), was assaulted by a guy and she was having a break down. My ex could not handle her friend, basically told her she couldn't handle it, that she was being too emotional for her and then abandoned her. They still stayed friends after that for a few months but still. pwBPD are known to be very cold and lack empathy especially during the most challenging times when you truly need them most.

It just made me think about what it would be like to grow old with her. What if something bad happened to me at any point in my life with her. All I can imagine is my ex walking out on me and leaving me to suffer and die and or just not being able to actively support me or show much concern if I needed some kind of support.

I know you miss her but there isn't really much you can do right now. What are you hoping for at this stage?

[Hlinthewiking]

4:24AM right now, I miss her so much. I'm not in the hospital, I got home the next the after the operation, the first 7 days I was stuck in bed, now I'm already driving but can't exercise and still can't eat much.

I agree with everything you said, I also noticed the same... At the same time I can see her "trying", that day that I spent in the hospital for example, despite she bugged me and still argued with me, it would have been much worse if I wasn't at that situation, I pretty much shut her down when I said I needed to go and take care of myself, if I had done something like and wasn't in the hospital, she would either have called me non stop or she would simply start telling me we were over and bugged me until I gave her attention or didn't and we would be over. She restrained herself, even though it wasn't enough, maybe that's what triggered her, that may have been really hard for her to do, idk.

Thank you for the support, truly, I need any help I can get. I don't know what to expect, I don't see myself holding on for much longer, I miss her too much.

[Curiously1]

4:24AM right now, I miss her so much. I'm not in the hospital, I got home the next the after the operation, the first 7 days I was stuck in bed, now I'm already driving but can't exercise and still can't eat much.

I agree with everything you said, I also noticed the same... At the same time I can see her "trying", that day that I spent in the hospital for example, despite she bugged me and still argued with me, it would have been much worse if I wasn't at that situation, I pretty much shut her down when I said I needed to go and take care of myself, if I had done something like and wasn't in the hospital, she would either have called me non stop or she would simply start telling me we were over and bugged me until I gave her attention or didn't and we would be over. She restrained herself, even though it wasn't enough, maybe that's what triggered her, that may have been really hard for her to do, idk.

Thank you for the support, truly, I need any help I can get. I don't know what to expect, I don't see myself holding on for much longer, I miss her too much.

She does have her moments but they seem few and far between. Anything could have triggered her to be honest. She has a hard time controlling herself and seems very unstable.
It's ok  . Take care of yourself. I hope you're feeling a bit better and become much better soon. Happy holidays!

[ynwa]

Hello,  I have read your posts and understand you are going through something that isn't easy.  I myself have been going through a prolonged injury and maintaining a relationship with UBPD.

In coming to this board, you have already shown yourself that you are in the process of helping yourself.  I'm sure it might be hard to separate from what you need for yourself compared to what you are expecting from your loved one?

Keep in mind, that they are sometimes coping or dealing with themselves so much they cannot see us.  The steps to the right of this post about choosing a path are also helpful for me in just deciding to text my loved one today.  You obviously need to heal, yourself. 

And I say that with understanding that in letting yourself calm down, and be mindful of your own feelings, you can get through it.

Keep posting, keeping reading, keep asking questions.

[Hlinthewiking]

thank you both for the support and merry christmas  . Though this is the worst and saddest xmas of my life. I really wanted to wish her a merry xmas, but she blocked me on all social media, that doesn't make me feel so good, I didn't even bug her so that it would have been necessary and she only blocked on the message section of Facebook, I assume to still control what I do on Facebook, hence just to punish me I believe   , I would need to send her a text message, should I? Would it be so bad? I think she just wanted to say she had a boyfriend on christmas, but I told her I already considered us like that. I feel so bad for not doing what she asked, I don't think is right and she was treating me like garbage and that's why I didn't think it was the time, but she's got an illness and she was suffering unbearably, maybe if I did that she would feel better and have treated me better?

I didn't expect her help or ask for anything, I just wanted her to let me help myself, I'v always been loving and understanding, I know I couldn't count on her, but I wasn't capable of taking care of myself and her narcissistic needs at the same time, she lived over 2 decades without me, why can't she do it for 2 more weeks?

[lovenature]

It all depends on her current emotion of the moment, and the more you try to do what she wants and please her, the more you will be pushed away. They need constant conflict and drama to prevent getting too close or too far away.
You know that you can't go by what they say they want because it changes on such a frequent basis.
Without a PWBPD committing to years of therapy, and their partner committing to significant personal sacrifices to "manage" the relationship, nothing will change.

[Curiously1]

thank you both for the support and merry christmas  . Though this is the worst and saddest xmas of my life. I really wanted to wish her a merry xmas, but she blocked me on all social media, that doesn't make me feel so good, I didn't even bug her so that it would have been necessary and she only blocked on the message section of Facebook, I assume to still control what I do on Facebook, hence just to punish me I believe  , I would need to send her a text message, should I? Would it be so bad? I think she just wanted to say she had a boyfriend on christmas, but I told her I already considered us like that. I feel so bad for not doing what she asked, I don't think is right and she was treating me like garbage and that's why I didn't think it was the time, but she's got an illness and she was suffering unbearably, maybe if I did that she would feel better and have treated me better?

I didn't expect her help or ask for anything, I just wanted her to let me help myself, I'v always been loving and understanding, I know I couldn't count on her, but I wasn't capable of taking care of myself and her narcissistic needs at the same time, she lived over 2 decades without me, why can't she do it for 2 more weeks?

I would put it this way. Can you deal with anyway she chooses to react to your reaching out? She could get angry, she could remain silent etc. I would care more about how it would make you feel more than how it would make her feel. I didn't say Merry Christmas to my ex. I knew she wouldn't greet me and I just didn't feel like the one always reaching out to her. But if its in you to greet her a Merry Christmas and you are not too worried about how she may react then I think that is ok. You cannot control how she is going to treat you no matter how nice you are to her. People dont owe it to be nice to us back just because we are good to them and provide plenty of examples of being there for them. I wish it worked that way that each time you were nice they'll be because we are but it doesn't work like that unfortunately. There is nothing bad about greeting anyone, including pwBPD a Merry Christmas. As long as you don't end up feeling bad doing so.

[Hlinthewiking]

It's too late now :/, still have new years though, I don't know what to do. I see people here with such high hopes, if there is anything I can do to be with her I'm up for doing it, I don't want be without her... .This is such an impossible scenario... I just came back from watching Rogue 1 alone and I didn't know Donnie Yen was going to be in it. I wanted to watch a kung fu movie with him last year and she said it would be bad, I told her to trust me and in the end she liked it, said she liked Donnie. After I saw Donnie in the movie I couldn't think of anything else but her.

I'v been going thru this for so long, it's the third time we split... .I just wanted some hope back, I don't have much left. I don't want to leave her, but I need for it not to be like it was last 3 weeks, I need her to treat me better, I don't feel loved anymore, I kinda believe she does love me even treating me badly, but I used to feel loved and I do not now... .No one has ever treated me so poorly like she did past few weeks, I felt like the scum of the earth, by what I understood she was doing this because she felt I was hiding her and felt embarrassed to be with her, which in a way is partially true, because who really is proud to be with someone by choice who abuses them in a regular basis?

I was in shock and taking what others felt, now I'm going about how I feel and I want to be with her, is there anything I can do to save this still? I do believe she will get treatment eventually and I may be able to work harder to get some money and if it comes to it I'd do whatever it takes to pay for it if she keeps saying that she doesn't have the money.

[Curiously1]

This time of the year is such a difficult and triggering time I have found , even for us nons. I may be dettaching from my ex but I find that certain dates on the calendar remind me of her of course and it still makes me sad if I focus too much on the memories we shared on special dates like these. I totally get this struggle like you really need her to immediately feel better. You would want to spend New Years with the one you love than to be alone with how you are feeling. You miss the way she loved you but you don't feel loved anymore. You are hoping for more than what she is showing you right now. You have so much memories of her and you want to hold onto every positive thing to the point that you would do anything for those happier times back.
You cannot really make someone want to be with you. Remember that it takes two to have a relationship and she will have to want to be with you too. Whatever you choose to do, please make yourself a priority. Take good care of yourself.

[lovenature]

I was in shock and taking what others felt, now I'm going about how I feel and I want to be with her, is there anything I can do to save this still? I do believe she will get treatment eventually and I may be able to work harder to get some money and if it comes to it I'd do whatever it takes to pay for it if she keeps saying that she doesn't have the money.

You will probably get better advice for this on the deciding, or improving boards.

[Hlinthewiking]

  Curiously1

 She left it in my hands again, she said she wanted me to ask her to be my girlfriend, since I didn't because of her mistreating me she blocked me and said it was over. So I know she wants it, but she wants it on her terms.

  lovenature

But this is the deciding board :/.

[lovenature]

Sorry H, I have been back and forth between the boards and was a little hasty in my reply.

Is she willing to commit to DBT therapy if cost isn't a factor or does she want to choose her therapy?

You know that things will NEVER change unless she gets the right help and you are willing to make the necessary sacrifices to "manage" her emotions and the relationship.