question on getting kicked out of the house

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

my wife is an undiagnosedBPD;  she has been physically and verbally abusive over the past 5 years and we have a 3year old son and a 5 year old daughter.  the past year it seems every month I get kicked out and have to live at the hotel for 3-4 days until she asks me to come back which I always do.

at what point do I say no.  I am not coming back unless you agree to co counseling because us going through this roller coaster no longer works and is becoming increasingly impactful to our children?'

is that even ok to "demand" as a condition?

[Mecaco]

my wife is an undiagnosedBPD;  she has been physically and verbally abusive over the past 5 years and we have a 3year old son and a 5 year old daughter.  the past year it seems every month I get kicked out and have to live at the hotel for 3-4 days until she asks me to come back which I always do.

at what point do I say no.  I am not coming back unless you agree to co counseling because us going through this roller coaster no longer works and is becoming increasingly impactful to our children?'

is that even ok to "demand" as a condition?

[formflier]

How exactly does she control where you live? What if you say no?

FF

[Mecaco]

if I say no (and I have) then it typically turns physical and I get hit, kicked, hit with objects, spat upon etc

I called the police once but it has happened maybe 8 times since. 

and the kids are at home and they have seen too much already.

[formflier]

Why not call police again?  File and press charges... .whatever that procedure looks like where you live.

I'm not saying that is the right answer... .but genuinely interested in why you didn't call police again.

What happened first time you called?

FF

[Mecaco]

the first time I called she got arrested but I dropped charges... .the next 8 times I figured as the man, I am supposed to be quiet and not expose it (I know, not a rational response) - I also promised I would never do that again.

what is different now - my counselor told me quite bluntly, that exposing our kids to the verbal and physical attacks at our house is child abuse, and by my doing nothing, I am a party to it.  I agree with him.  I do not know why I didn't see that before. 

Interestingly, it is 32degrees outside, and she told me to come get the dogs (two large dogs) - she just texted me a picture of the dogs tied up to a light post on the street behind our house.  that has got to be animal cruelty.  I am off to take them home, and I will video the dogs' return home just in case... . 

[babyoctopus]

You really need to put the needs of the kids first and foremost. The police do need to be called when abuse occurs as well as for you as for those poor animals.

I know its hard and you think you are doing the noble thing by protecting her from herself but it is hurting the kids who are watching this unfold. Ask yourself is this the example you want for your children to learn? Would you want your son (or daughter) to allow himself to be treated the way your spouse is treating you?

Don't wait: it doesn't get better. Believe me, I stayed married over 20 years until my kids were old enough to start being abused by the uBPDstbxh in the same way as me. Finally, I said: enough. I wish to God I had done it sooner.

You need to find a good therapist.  We non BPD partners have so many issues too, because we allow the abuse, we give them permission to abuse us, then we cover it up because we are ashamed. That's its own illness and needs attention.

Good luck, my friend.

[Mecaco]

babyoctopus - thank you for the keen insight - I do have two therapists actually ... .one is working with me on relationship issues(how to better communicate and better exist in this marriage) and the other is working with me on some deep shame issues.  they actually compliment each other.

the guy helping me with relationship issues told me what we were doing was child abuse and that we needed to put the kids first.  a hard comment to hear but one that resonated. 

I suppose I am in the mode of asking her nicely but firmly and let it stand.  I just took the dogs home and now I am going to contact her and ask her to not do that again.  if there is a repeat then I will contact the police.

this is so out of control.

[formflier]

 
Dog question:  Ties in with big picture things.

Please don't tell her not to do it again.  From the history... she will blow it off... .as she knows you are not serious.

Much better to call the animal control guys the first time.  Let them deal directly with her.  Don't get involved at all.

It appears the dog thing is solved... .for now.

Do you understand how the pattern of "Ok... .I'll solve this for you this time... .but next time... .I'm gonna get you... ."  is part of fueling a bad dynamic.

Another way of looking at it.

She behaves badly... .you solve consequences... .she doesn't experience consequences... .and realizes that your actions say it's ok to treat you badly.

Last for now:  There is a lot going on here.  I'm hesitant to advocate making any changes at the moment until you have talked again to your Ts.  I'm sure that I and others on these boards are missing lots of issues in your r/s.

Can we work on getting the "full story", thinking about things with the hope of making wise changes at some point in the future?  I don't want to make a volatile situation worse because of incomplete understanding.

Where are the kids living right now? 

FF

[Sunfl0wer]

... .and the other is working with me on some deep shame issues

Please excuse the slight sort of side tracking but... .

Last night I stumbled across this and watched this video:
Listening to Shame

I cannot state enough how moved I was, especially the bit of how she describes shame for men.

Please watch.

[jonmnemonic]

Hold her accountable for her actions as an adult.  Stand your ground and don't be kicked out of your own house.  If she reacts with physical violence, call the police and follow through with pressing charges.  Let her experience the full consequences including jail time.  She will never change her behaviors by you going along with her junk nor will she change by you making weak statements to her about your wishes.

[Mecaco]

formflier - you know what ... .you are right - I just solved another problem that she created.  In the moment it didn't seem like that but you are right.  I will try to get the full story in soon, but am at work and am having to fix another issue - it seems she had one of my passwords and deleted a bunch of emails from my email account as well as completely cleared off my phone - working on getting it all reset and all deleted items recovered.  of course changing the password was the first piece. 

kids are currently at home with her.  I did reach out to my therapists, but with it being the holidays and all, they are not very responsive.  next week though, I am sure I will have a lot to talk about!

jonmnemonic... .I agree but when she starts to get that look in her eye I fear from my own safety in several regards.  it is not beyond her to make a false claim and tell police that I was the aggressor.  she had started to go down that path before.  However, Thursday night I am probably going to go home anyways.  From a growing a pair and standing my ground, I am embarrassed to say that at age 50 I am finally tired of it all and am not going to placate anymore. 

[Mecaco]

... .and sunflower,... .that video clip on shame... .work by brene brown is what my shame guy is basing his treatment on ... .I am very familiar with her work ... .she has a book (I thought it was just me)?  that is very good

[formflier]

If you decide to go home, use a recorder... .Always.

It has saved me several times.   

Another big picture... .You need to work on disengaging... .Before she gets that look in her eye.

Can you talk us through a recent time when she got that look?

FF