why I'm here...

[anne-o-nymous]

Hello. My I'm fairly certain my mom is borderline. I'm an only child. We live many states apart and we haven't seen each other for a few years. She came to visit and attend my graduation and she was here for two weeks. I just returned from dropping her off at the airport. She spent the entire two weeks in the guest bedroom watching TV. Anytime I tried to suggest something to do, she complained of not feeling well or it being too late in the day (because she insisted she had to be back in the house by 2PM).

The brief times that she ventured out of the guest room to get water, coffee, or food, she spent almost the entire time uttering massively dramatic sighs, or if she wanted to talk to me, she would make some ridiculously loaded statement dripping with hostility. Any response from me would elicit more hostility, if I was lucky, or a full blown explosion, if not.

Any attempt I made to reason with her would result in her telling me that I am being argumentative, hateful, selfish, and that I really just want to never speak to her again--regardless of how many times I told her that none of that is true. I've spent this entire two weeks feeling like she sees me through a fun-house mirror -- like she is just completely incapable of seeing things as they really are -- everything is completely distorted.

I'm older, so this has been going on a loong time, with a few  periods of no contact (longest was 10 years). It's been very difficult for me because I know she can't help but behave the way she does. She had a horrible childhood and felt extremely abandoned by her mother, so I know she came by this honestly... .But holy cow it's not easy to be treated like this and not take it personally.

I've been trying to maintain a relationship with her because I just feel so bad for her! Her second husband died a few years ago and she's completely alone, besides a few step-kids and step-grandkids that she rarely sees. She's in her 70s and I don't want her last years on the planet to be spent feeling alone and sad.

She left today with an angry "Thanks for the ride. Good luck." No eye contact. No hug. Nothing. Just walked away. And during the ride she talked about how she'd never "burden" me again with a visit, or even a phone call (for the umpteenth time) because "I'll be much happier that way."

I'm feeling like I probably won't see her again because I can't afford to fly out to her, and I don't think I really want to... .And I'm really sad. I know that our relationship has never been any different, but I've been naive enough to keep hoping that things will change. I'm finally starting to see that they really never will, and I'm grieving the loss of the "fantasy mom" I kept thinking was lurking somewhere, if I could just find the right words or attitude... .

Anytime I hear other people talking about their relationships with their mothers, I get so sad. I've NEVER had anything remotely approaching or resembling sentimentality about my relationship with my mother. I mean, I'm really happy for those other people... .I'm just sad that I've never had that. I really WANT that, but it's just not in the cards for me. It makes finding mother's day cards insanely difficult. They're all full of sappy drivel about all the ways moms are so awesome and none of them ever have a word I can relate to.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Anne-o-ymous:   

I'm sorry about your mom.  Processing the reality of having a dysfunctional mom can be like a grieving process.  There is a lot of good information on this website to help you process those feelings.  The links to the right side of your post is a good place to start.

Do you have a relationship with your dad?  Do you have some special friends in your life to help feel the void this time of year?  The holidays can be tough, as we see others connecting with their families and celebrating. 

Writing about our situations can be therapeutic.  This is a safe place to share, welcome to the family.   

[Fie]

Hello Anne-o-Nymous,

Welcome ! I am glad you found us.

I'm finally starting to see that they really never will, and I'm grieving the loss of the "fantasy mom" I kept thinking was lurking somewhere, if I could just find the right words or attitude... .

I relate very much to what you said here. At the age of 35 I suddenly started to realize about the BPD of my mum.  Reading about it made me realize that, no matter what I did, I would never have the mum I wanted. She simply cannot give me what other mums can give their child. It was and is so frustrating, because, after all, is it so difficult to love ? Sometimes I still almost cannot believe how cold she is. Problem here is that we think that, like you said, if we do / say the right things, her 'true self' will finally pop up. I think I have been sort of lying to myself because as a kid the truth is too hard to handle : that my mum actually did not care about anyone but herself. For a dependent child this is too much to take in ... .as an adult though, we can start to see the truth and mourn the mum we actually never had.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, anne-o-nymous,

I also understand a lot of what you are feeling. I have very limited contact with my parents, and have not spoken to or seen my mother in about 6 years. NaughtyNibbler and Fie have some wise words for us. There is definitely a grieving process for the parent we needed or wish we had. Like all grief, it can come and go. Even though I feel I've worked hard at my recovery, and I have found stable relationships that help me grow, deep underneath I will always have the absence of Ideal Parental Love. That is ok--I can allow myself to feel sad when I need to, and I can love myself and ask for help from others who love me. I agree with NN that the Survivor's Guide on the right margin can be a good place to begin examining our grief.

In your post, a few things stood out to me. One is the idea that you seem to be  holding onto that your mother should be able to reason the same way you do, that she should understand the facts "as they really are." You seem frustrated because she doesn't. That's normal and understandable. Your comparison to her perceptions being distorted like a funhouse mirror is also pretty accurate. One thing that may be helpful to bring with you into your future interactions with her is an understanding that she has *only* the funhouse mirror to look into; you may have seen both a funhouse mirror and a flat one, but she doesn't have the same perspective or experience, and will only understand what she sees and feels. Arguing other facts won't help her, or you.

You may be able to find ways to validate her experience in a way that allows you to state your truth without needing to argue or convince her to change her perspective. My favorite tool for this is a communication tool called TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth. When I first came to this message board, I also experienced a change in my perspective when I read Radical Acceptance for family members.

The second thing that you wrote that caught my attention was that you are trying to stay connected with your mother as she gets older because you don't want her feeling alone and sad. To me, that shows that you have a compassionate heart. What I want to encourage you to do is to use that compassion within a healthy set of boundaries--that means, that you will love her in a way that does not require you to sacrifice your own well-being and that allows her to be responsible for her choices. Many times when we have a parent with BPD, we learn from an early age that we are supposed to monitor and control their emotional state. But that's distorted thinking, too. The flat-mirror truth is that you do not have the ability to control whether your mother feels alone or sad, even if you wanted to. You can give yourself permission to let go of that responsibility, with compassion. My parents are in their 70s also, and I hope they will find ways to feel joy in their remaining years. I also know I cannot be the source of it for them, regardless of the amount of contact we may have.

Have you ever talked with a therapist about this relationship? Do you have other healthy support in your life? I hope to hear more from you.

Wishing you peace,

PF