Getting divorced

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I need advice.  How do you handle the rages and inconsistency?   Not to mention the accusations and put downs.

I am about to hire a mediator to get through this process.

Also, hoiw do yuou protect the kids with spit custody?

[Bravegirl2017]

I need advice.  How do you handle the rages and inconsistency?   Not to mention the accusations and put downs.

I am about to hire a mediator to get through this process.

Also, hoiw do yuou protect the kids with spit custody?

[babyoctopus]

First of all, good for you for getting to the divorce stage- that is NOT easy! I stayed way too long with stbxuBPDh and my kids suffered for it.

It is a brave thing to face the rages, we are so used to smoothing everything over all the time, gaging his moods, trying not to set him off. My advice? Stop trying to control his rages and moods. You can't anyway. Cut off all contact if you can. Stay neutral when you have to speak to him, or do it through a third party.

As for custody, don't believe his threats, unless you are a horrible parent and he can prove it somehow, the courts usually will side with moms.

Read all you can- Stop Walking on Eggshells is a good one. I am sure the people on the boards have better recommendations regarding divorcing a BPD. I need one too, as I have just started the process myself.

Good luck!

[livednlearned]

Hi Bravegirl2017,

Welcome and hello 

I'm sorry for what brings you here and glad you found the site.

How old are your kids? Are you already divorced, or just starting the process?

What kind of custody arrangement do you think is best for the kids?

LnL

[ForeverDad]

While most states require divorce processes to start with mediation, understand that mediation typically does not work with BPD behaviors in the mix, at least not at first.  The typical acting-out BPD spouse is too entitled and obstructive to enter mediation willing to reach a reasonable settlement.  That is not to say it can't work but usually successful negotiations are closer to the end of a divorce case, generally just before a major hearing or trial.  (My successful negotiation was just minutes before our scheduled Trial Day was to start.)  Expecting success this quick — or convincing yourself that you must walk out with a deal — can put you at a distinct disadvantage in mediation.  If you are reasonable and stbEx is obstinate, guess who's going to walk out very disappointed about the outcome?

A few other factoids:

• Many courts and associated agencies don't care very much whether a spouse has been diagnosed with anything or not.  At best, they will pay attention to the poor behaviors, particularly the behaviors toward the children.  That's not to say a diagnosis isn't helpful, it is, but don't rely on getting one.
• If your state allows, have your lawyer there or accessible for questions.  If lawyer can't be there, you can always ask for breaks and use them to seek input from your lawyer or other supporters.
• If you feel intimated, you can always ask for separate rooms.  Mediators should understand the tense situations and be willing to move back and forth between rooms.
• Very important:  Do not feel you have to settle then.  You can always review your boundaries and state, "I'm sorry, but mediation isn't working, the court will have to address the unresolved issues."  (For all you know, preparing to depart may get your spouse to be less unreasonable.  You and your boundaries are typically opposed since the other expects you'll then just give up and give in.  Mediation is to negotiate and not to be given unreasonable demands.)  Thought:  You are likely to get more from a judge in a courtroom than the crumbs an obstructive spouse will grant you in mediation or a settlement conference.
• Whichever path works for you, don't forget the value of documenting your spouse's poor behaviors.  If your case needs handling in court then having dates, incidents and other details in a log or diary will help convince the judge not to view it as "he said, she said" bickering.

[Nicke]

Hi Bravegirl,

I am nearing the moment of announcing my intention to divorce after many difficult years, couples therapy and continued problems.  We have two children, 4 and 8.  I have the same concerns you have, and appreciate Forever Dad's post.

One thing I wonder is about the split parenting schedule.  I can't imagine how on earth it can be stable for kids to basically live in one house for 3-4 days and then switch.  How did it come to split parenting?  Are you assuming that's what it will be, or do you think that is a good idea?  I am curious because at the same time I find that an unstable scenario, I know many people opt for that.  I'm interested in your take.

Thanks for sharing.

Nicke

[takingandsending]

Hi Nicke,

I am early in process of divorce with STBxw. I have S5 and S11. There are a lot of studies about the detriments on children of having a split household, but most recent thinking is that if other factors in the children's lives are present (loving, stable parent, safe environment), the switching back and forth doesn't actually have bad effects in the long term. There have also been studies that show having even one stable, healthy attachment/emotionally safe environment can provide the children with what they need to be healthy.

Also, a lot of courts have recognized that frequent switching is disruptive, so if there is a shared custody, the movement is more toward week on/week off type scenarios. In my case, I am aiming for that type of a split. I think it is less harmful than reducing the time my sons have with me for healthy attachment/emotionally safe environment. My STBxw does love our sons, even though she cannot provide stable emotionally safe healthy environment for them. The cost and small probability of obtaining full custody are daunting to me. I am hoping that they vote with their feet as they get older, but I will be there for them regardless of what they choose.

Don't know if sharing my perspective helps. It's a tough go any way you choose and something we all wish wasn't put upon our kids. : (

[ForeverDad]

There have also been studies that show having even one stable, healthy attachment/emotionally safe environment can provide the children with what they need to be healthy.

Ponder this:

Living in a calm and stable home, even if only for part of their lives, will give the children a better example of normalcy for their own future relationships.  Staying together would mean that's the only example of home life they would have known — discord, conflict, invalidation, overall craziness, etc.  Some 30 years ago the book Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce had an interesting observation on page 195 by one participant, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."  Ponder that.  Taking action will enable your lives, or at least a part of your lives, to be spent be in a calm, stable environment — your home, wherever that is — away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos.  And some of the flying monkeys too.

Also, a lot of courts have recognized that frequent switching is disruptive, so if there is a shared custody, the movement is more toward week on/week off type scenarios.

When we were working out our final decree settlement on Trial Day, I too wanted alternate weeks to reduce the confrontation at exchanges.  However our custody evaluator advised:  Children under 10 shouldn't be away from you very long and he advised a 2-2-3 schedule.  Son was 6 years old.  She got Mon-Tue overnights, I got Wed-Thu overnights and we alternated the 3 overnight weekends.  Also, since he was in school much of the year we set many of the drop-offs and pick-ups to occur at school so we encountered each other less often.

Five years later I finally got majority time during the school year but summers remained equal time.  Son was 11 years old.  I asked my lawyer to request alternate weeks to reduce exchanges.  He stared at me virtually cross-eyed and said, Do you want the court to think that your child should be away from you for a longer period of time?

Each family and situation is different so I'm not saying alternating weeks won't be advisable but those were the responses from my professionals.

[takingandsending]

ForeverDad,

Thanks for the post. I asked my lawyer to shy away from week on week off because it would be too little contact with my S5 and S11, particularly as I am the primary helper with homework for S11 and buffer STBxw's moods and tantrums too often to leave them for a week. It will also be really hard on me, because I miss them whenever they're not around. I appreciate the insight. Definitely in agreement. It's taken me 2.5 years to get to the point of taking action, but I care too much about my sons to not try to give them that stability that they deserve.

Hope this helps for both Nicke and bravegirl.

[flubber767]

This is my first post, but without going into detail about my current stbx uBPDw, I wanted to comment on the split home issue. This is my second divorce. My first wife and I divorced 8 years ago, and decided on joint custody with exactly half the time for each of us with the children. My children were 2 and 5 at the time (today they are 10 and 13). We too consulted with a therapist, who said that young children should not go a whole week without seeing the other parent. So at the end we decided on a schedule in which they would stay with one of the parents a max of 3 consecutive days. When they got older, we switched to a similar schedule with a max of 4 consecutive days. We also agreed to live within a reasonable distance from each other until the youngest finishes primary school. This schedule involved many transitions, but since we both provided a stable and loving home, it worked out fine. This is not to say that there were no problems. Both kids were in therapy at some stage, but not for long, and now that they are older, they move freely between the houses. So I would say that it is not so much the issue of having only one house, it's where they feel at home. If they feel at home in both houses, things will eventually get easier with no lasting effects on the children's emotional health (at least not as much as the actual divorce, and pwBPD entering their lives).
I do not wish to hijack this thread for issues with wife no. 2, and will post that elsewhere.

Happy new year and best wishes to all going through this long and painful process,

flubber767