how can i help my child

[Rayi]

I am looking for the best way to help my adult child,who has BPD, or to help her help her self.  However, she seems to be her own worst enemy, not staying with one group or therapist long enough to get help.  she will talk to me, apparently openly, but putting action behind any plan is a challenge if not impossible. sometimes the conversations repeat themselves and i am not sure whether to allow her time to vent/ obsess and if not, how to end the conversation without upsetting her.  sometimes, i think her goals or ideas or expectations are unrealistic and i don't know whether to say so (which i think is the place of a parent) or to say nothing (which is also the place of a parent when you want your child to learn by experience).  any advice from those with experience?  thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[drained1996]

Hi Rayi,



Wanted to say hello and welcome to the family.  We here understand the difficult circumstances you are facing, and once you begin to read through the stories of others you'll find comfort in the fact that you are not alone.  What can you do to help... .a very good place to start.  Most of us have learned that we cannot change our person with BPD, but we can change how WE react to and communicate with them.  In the upper right margin of this page you will see tools and lessons designed to help you do just that.  Combining these tools with a  good understanding of the illness and its nuances can be very helpful in improving your situation. 
Have you sought a therapist to help guide you in your journey?  Many here have found a good professional to be worth their weight in gold... .I know I have.
If you haven't already read Stop Walking on Eggshells that too can be a good source of understanding and help. 
You've found a place for knowledge, understanding, and sharing.  Feel free to post any thoughts, questions or feelings anytime.  We are here to walk with you.   

[livednlearned]

Hi Rayi,

It sounds like SET (support, empathy, truth) statements might help you talk to your daughter? There are some really helpful examples of SET in the book I Hate You, Don't Leave Me, which seems to be ever so slightly more tailored to romantic relationships, though I found the SET skills particularly useful with my SO's D19.  

Support and empathy statements can help reassure and soothe some of the emotion states before presenting the truth, especially when dealing with double-bind situations.

Also, it sounds like asking validating questions might be useful during those conversations when she is spinning and you (rightly) see she needs to solve things for herself.

It's good that your daughter will talk to you Is she diagnosed with BPD? Does she live with you?

Glad you found the site, and hope you'll share more when you feel ready.

LnL

[Rayi]

Thank you.  I will try SET and keep reading!