suicidal thoughts

[talks to angels]

Not that I would ever be able to, but my mind keeps going to whats the meaning of life? Why would anyone have to experience this kind of pain. Has anyone else had really dark thoughts after contact?

[Mutt]

Hi talks to angels,



Sure I had some really dark thoughts right after the break-up,  I was really depressed and had SI thoughts too.  What was it that your ex said?

[talks to angels]

He said he wanted to apologize for how he treated me and that he wanted me know he never cheated. (hey doesnt everyone stay in a hotel with an ex and is stupid enough to have photos of the event and of coarse this wasnt the only lie surrounding other women) I guess I just thought he could provide some incite as to what he was thinking, so stupidly asked about this girl that was his "friend" and why he always lied about what they did together. Well that just started the whole flip it back on me. In the end he was sorry that I was insecure, jealous, and didnt trust him.

[talks to angels]

Oh and the whole tone of the conversation on his end was condescending, like I was some child that was in trouble but he was being patient with. (puke)

[Mutt]

Hi talks to angels,

I can relate with being talked down to. It's annoying andd frustrating but I think about how a pwBPD have low self worth and my ex tries to knock me down a notch because she feels inferior to me. It sounds like he was floundering hence the blame shifting but don't be hard on yourself for asking him, it was his choice to stay in a hotel. I'm sorry that that happened.

[talks to angels]

Yes! I was getting frustrated trying to get him to see my side! It is defiantly not like having a conversation with a healthy person. Healthy people would at least be able to empathize and show true remorse. At the end he wanted my forgiveness and I stated that from what he has said there is nothing to forgive him for as he is not remorseful for anything he did to me. And now I sit feeling guilty for not forgiving him. How jacked up is that?

[Mutt]

He wanted forgiviness to assuage his feelings of guilt, he's self absorbed. That guilty feeling is FOG or emotional blackmail, fear obligation and guilt. A pwBPD will illicit guilty feelings in others. That's not uncommon.

[enlighten me]

Sounds like his defence mechanism because he was uncomfortable. When confronted my ex would go on the attack. Put the blame on me and make me question myself. Theyre very good at this.

[talks to angels]

Its so bizarre.  Its like they have to "win" when there is nothing to gain from lying anymore. They could gain so much more ground with honesty.

[enlighten me]

Its a behaviour Ive seen with my sons. They keep lying and dig themselves deeper. Theyre growing out of it though. For me it shows the emotional immaturity of my uBPD exs as they never grew out of it.

[Hisaccount]

I feel for you. I was in the same spot just a couple weeks ago. I wanted to end it so bad, I was so profoundly sad. I finally had to get some anti depressants.
We are addicted to these people and it is very emotional.

Best to do is focus on the bad, kind of like you are doing. They will never let you win an argument even if you are correct. They verbally abuse us, beat us down to nothing and still try to take whatever is left.

It did best for me to keep reminding myself that she was not a good wife and all the horrible things she did. Doesn't mean it still didn't hurt and i still have lows, but it is getting easier to keep remembering this is not a normal or healthy relationship.
There is a better life for us.

[drained1996]

Hi talks to angels,

I see you were not feeling really well last night.  I wanted to check in with you to see how you are feeling today.  I hope finding some support here has helped you feel a little better.  What you've dealt with is very traumatic, so feeling down is a normal reaction.  Let us know how you're feeling today! 

[Kelli Cornett]

Yes all the time it's been 3 months and it still hurts
I hate how far down this has taken me even though the relationship was only 4 months

This discard has made me feel or it has triggered my deepest feelings of worthlessness
I fear not being able to trust love again nor feel I have the heart left to even try
And life isn't worth living without it

[talks to angels]

Drained1996 - thanks for checking on me. I'm still here, tis another day.
Brahmin - I have the same feelings of worthlessness, and major trust issue. He made it so I dont even trust my own judgement. It's so hard for people who have not been there to understand and "getting it out" and not being ashamed of how I let someone else treat me is helping. I am amazed at how one conversation after a year can bring back all those issue within me all over. I have made some terrible life decisions this past year, put myself in a not safe situation that I quickly removed myself from. Yet I was moving forward after no contact for a year. Healing.  After hearing from him, all the self doubt, and trust issue came back. I have been beating myself up in my head the last couple months. Its like his voice lives on in my head and in some sick way believing that I some how deserve what has happened. That is what is the hardest to accept. In normal relationships when they end, there is a closure of love, it may not work but you still feel what you had was valued and there is love there. With my ex I feel like he took out the trash and went on about his day. I was never anything special.
This board has been so helpful at realizing that there are good people. Yet scary as there are so many cruel people that have hurt us all.  Unless of coarse we all were with the same person.

[ShadowA]

Its so bizarre.  Its like they have to "win" when there is nothing to gain from lying anymore. They could gain so much more ground with honesty.

Yeah, I feel this way too.