I have to leave

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have tried several times to leave my UBPDbf. Which I realize has only made matters worse because now he doesn't trust me and brings up the fact that I tried to leave him pretty much every week. He tells me every time that he's not going to stop me anymore, yet he always does. And I foolishly allow him.

I have accepted that this relationship is going nowhere. He knows something is wrong with him, but he is not willing to get help. I was planning to tell him to get help or I was leaving. But now I don't even want to do that. He has to want to get help.

I want to prepare myself as best as I can so I can actually be done by next time I leave. I love him but I don't want to be with him anymore. I don't even know what I'm looking for from you all. I just want out! How did you do it?

[Jk416]

I have tried several times to leave my UBPDbf. Which I realize has only made matters worse because now he doesn't trust me and brings up the fact that I tried to leave him pretty much every week. He tells me every time that he's not going to stop me anymore, yet he always does. And I foolishly allow him.

I have accepted that this relationship is going nowhere. He knows something is wrong with him, but he is not willing to get help. I was planning to tell him to get help or I was leaving. But now I don't even want to do that. He has to want to get help.

I want to prepare myself as best as I can so I can actually be done by next time I leave. I love him but I don't want to be with him anymore. I don't even know what I'm looking for from you all. I just want out! How did you do it?

[GlennT]

I had to look up to make sure you were still on leaving board before I gave my answer:
First, You will progress... .
As for him,
No change.
I thinks it's great you're doing something for you, but he needs someone who won't be different.
He needs help, but you need to do this on your own, and not with him. No more... depersonalization.
Your past posts mentioned you had a T, excellent, soon you can donate the care-taking brains-space to yourself. You have to come up with something that's workable. Not all leaving situations are the same. Do you have a private place to go? You should have your things packed and gone before he comes back. Better days are coming for you... because he showed you just what you needed to see... that nothing changes without change... .to bigger and better... .

 

[Aiming4Kindness]

Wishing you strength, Jk416.  You can do this. 

[letmeout]

I rented a room from my hairdresser to escape. Just don't leave your possessions behind. I had to get a court order to get mine back and then my ex destroyed some of my stuff.

I guess nothing makes a BPD person crazier than being abandoned, even though their abuse was the reason you had to leave. They never see it that way, and then its all about getting even.  Crazy stuff.

[Jk416]

Thank you all for your replies. He travels throughout the week. So packing my things and hitting the road is not a problem. I have packed them several times. Actually loaded up my car last week. But that was done while he was here, so he gave me the same lines he always does about me not caring about him and he's just stressed because of things going on in his life right now. There's been something going on in his life the whole 2+ years I've known him. Chaos is his norm. But I'm not blaming him. I chose to stay like a dummy.   

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I know he's not going to get better. My head has made peace with that. I just can't get my heart to understand that as much as I love him, it will never be enough.

[Svarl1]

Hi Jk,

I'll first say I admire your attitude: You realise that it's not your job to try and help your partner when he won't help himself, nor is that going to be successful.
You also want to prepare as best you can. I'd say that's vital for the best chance of a decisive exit.

I'm also interested in this topic because I'm planning to leave my own partner in the near future.  Similarly, she has a lot of other stress in her life. It isn't at all a good time ... .but looking back it never is, there always seems to be something!

My thinking is:

1. Have the practicalities in place (accommodation, time booked off work, list of admin tasks to be done, new SIM card, whatever... .). Anything that can safely be done in advance is one less thing on your mind when the time comes.

2. Pre-warn any people who may be affected, or may be able to support you (but ONLY if you can trust them in confidence).

3. Anticipate possible behaviours your partner might do. I don't know anything about your own partner, but I'm thinking maybe threatening behaviour (against me, self or 3rd person), blackmail, false accusations, stalking etc.
I'm not trying to scare you here, just to say that these things have happened to other people, and therefore others will have suggestions of how to deal with them. By knowing in advance what you would do, then you will not be thrown by such antics if they happened to occur.

4. Make a list of any topics which you and your ex may still need to discuss after the separation. Plan how you'll communicate about these in a safe and adult way. You might look into employing a negotiator (?) for this task - someone who is not paid to take only one person's side but to facilitate the necessary communication of both, and to act as a witness / deterrent against manipulation.

5. Plan the separation so you are in control of events. This means leaving at a time you pre-decided, not marching out in rage after one insult too many. Remain calm through the insults knowing you won't need to put up with many more.
Plan how you you'll break the news that, this time, you're really REALLY, not coming back. I think it's more powerful if this message is seen to come from a place of calm decision,  not a moment of reaction.

6. Give yourself psychological boosters for times of adversity or doubt. For example,  make a list of all the things you'll now have the freedom and energy to do, make up an affirmation to recite each morning that reminds you of the benefits of your new life, etc.

I hope any of this was useful. Writing it helped me with my own planning too.
I too am really interested about what others have to say in response, especially anyone who has been through it.

Best of luck

[Jk416]

Thanks Svarl1! That was great advice. I've thought about a lot of those things. I definitely want to secure a place to live first. I moved in with him, so all I really have are my personal belongings, no furniture. And I've already downsized so that all my things will fit in my car. The psychological boosters are definitely needed. I feel guilty a lot of times. He's been left before (imagine that). And I'm just another woman who gave up on him. But I know that I deserve to be happy too. To stay and live in misery with him will hurt the both of us. I've been thinking about making a list as you suggested. Life is going to be so much better! I can't wait to be free of silent treatments, angry outbursts, ridiculous accusations, total disrespect and just the overall negativity. Good luck to you! Life is too short for this crap.

[letmeout]

Life is too short for this crap.

That says it all; my parting words were 'I am too old to put up with this crap!'. 
I just wish that I had left him a decade or two earlier, but hey... .its never to late to be free from the tyranny of someone with that horrible mental illness.

Believe me when I say that no contact with them forever is very important.

[Svarl1]

I just read this on wikihow:

www.m.wikihow.com/End-a-Controlling-or-Manipulative-Relationship

[Jk416]

Those are good steps! Right now I'm preparing what to say. This weekend was hard. Not because it was bad. It was great. He was the perfect partner. I found myself thinking that I'm never going to find this connection again. How can I leave him? But then I remembered. This never lasts. Soon he'll be back to the monster that enjoys hurting me. Even though it was a good weekend that I should have enjoyed. It only made me sad. Because I know what's on the other side. I quickly remembered that this is not the life I want.