Realization of not seeing my children everyday

[tmarshal2016]

I still need help!  I'm sitting in a room with both my children (sons 6 and 8 )at the house and I feeling a wave of anxiety hitting me.   Since July 2016, when my BPD wife told me she did not want to be married to me anymore and her constant yelling at me to file for divorce ( which I did and now regret) to learning that she is seeing or has been seeing for sometime an another man.  I'm constantly in emotional pain about how I will be able to function without see my boys everyday and imaging that this other man have contact with them ( that will kill me). I have always been a hands on dad from the time both of them were born up until now. I feed them give them baths everyday and stay next to them as they sleep. Both my boys are special needs and I feel that because of this divorce, I honestly failed them.  (Maybe if I was more nicer to their mother or if I appreciated her more things would be different but its over now.) I have written several posts here about my issues and I thank you all for your responses.

Currently she goes out every weekend and other days in the week (back pack in hand).  She comes back whenever she wants and it cause me stress every time I see her now knowing she with someone else.  When she is here, she always has to say something about the kids and ultimately remind me that I will not see the kids everyday like it is now and she will take them away from me  ( they will live with her -full physical custody) I want to fight for my kids but either from the constant belittling or berating of me by her for the last 4 to 5 years I feel defeated. I honestly believed she had been planning this for some time and now that it is heard... .I'll be honest... .I am scared.  I am scared what this will do to the boys.  Just a few minutes ago my oldest came to me crying and I consoled him... .It makes me what to cry when I'm not there

I guess I'm writing this to ask for more advise.  I don't think I can survive this... .Not seeing my children everyday like it is right now, will ultimate kill me in the end and I know she know that.  My children are my world. They are my happiness. At this moment I feel I have limited amount of time with them now and this will soon be just a dream once the divorce is finalize.  Please any advice or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.   

[Turkish]

tmarshal2016,

I've been where you are,  when my kids were 1 and 3. The only time I threw out my armchair BPD Dx was when she made a comment like the kids would come with her.  We were living together,  and she was involved in another r/s. Naturally, I took up the slack of her distance not only from me,  but the kids,  as she was phoning it on as a mother.  I told her point blank that I would liquidate my 401(k) and sell the house to fight her in court for anything less than joint custody.  I found out later that even with penalties,  I could only pull about $15k from my retirement, but the bluff worked. 

I don't know about her,  but my ex seemed terrified of going to court (maybe supposing the facts would come out). We negotiated a joint custody order.  The communication tools here helped.  It was am emotional hell for me to live with her for four months until she could move out (many women told me to put her stuff on the lawn,  but that would have escalated,  and poisoned the co-parenting r/s). My advice would be to fight for no less than joint custody however you can.

Given my more than 50% involvement with the kids,  it was a shock when are first moved out.  I had the kids fur the first two days while she got settled, helped by her boy-toy (later  H 1.5 years later).

I sat alone in the home I bought for my family.  It felt horrible,  but I got through it.  Almost 3 years later life I'm sitting home alone,  but happy I'll get them for two days tomorrow,  and all the coming weekend.  S6 was recently diagnosed with ASD1 (what they used to cell Asperger's) so I suppose he is special needs in a way,  and this requires more contact with his mom than I like (therapy, testing, discussions), but it is what it is. 

Backing up,  what are you willing to do in order to secure at least joint custody? So many people in my life have observed that even 50% time helps the kids immensely.  My home is a safe space.

[trappeddad]

.  I don't think I can survive this... .Not seeing my children everyday like it is right now, will ultimate kill me in the end and I know she know that.  My children are my world. They are my happiness. At this moment I feel I have limited amount of time with them now and this will soon be just a dream once the divorce is finalize.  Please any advice or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.   

Take care of #1 first.   When I left my kid I had heart palpitations and non stop headaches.    Exercise, eat well, get emotional support, and try to relax.     If this kills you, then she wins and the kids lose.   

And of course prepare yourself legally and get a good temporary order.   That will help your case and the limit the physical stress.     Good luck.

[tmarshal2016]

Thank you Turkish and Trappeddad!

I truly appreciate your response.

I don't know about her,  but my ex seemed terrified of going to court (maybe supposing the facts would come out). We negotiated a joint custody order.  The communication tools here helped.  It was am emotional hell for me to live with her for four months until she could move out (many women told me to put her stuff on the lawn,  but that would have escalated,  and poisoned the co-parenting r/s). My advice would be to fight for no less than joint custody however you can.

Recently, She told me she wants this divorce, "can't wait to find her happiness" and further stated she's going to celebrate this divorce unlike most people who compare divorce to losing someone to death.  She want to throw a party for herself.  There is no communication with her. None. If there is communication, it's about the children only and she's the only one who make the domains and I better do it or else. Can't talk about our relationship/ the past or even look at her at times but she can tell me what she wants and I better listen and give her an answer.

Funny to think now that I was told I was a controlling f-king $$hole for many years but she always had the control and she knew it.   We are still living in the same home and all I do is stay away from her.  I realize before she wanted the divorce, I was always  walking on eggshells but it has become now "walking on landmines", I don't what I'm doing anymore.  There is so much fear, knowing I will not see my beautiful children every morning, everyday when I return from work and every night when I tuck them in for bed.  Hearing their voice.  Wondering who is watching them if not me. This truly hurts and I don't wish this upon anyone here.  Thank you all.

 

[LilMe]

  tmarshal,

I have 50 50 custody with my blind exuBPD. Our children are 8, 9, and 2. I am very close to my children. It is not easy! But my home is their safe haven. The place they can be themselves without judgement or craziness. Fortunately my job allows me to work as much as I want when the children are gone. So I work a lot. I also run a non profit as a volunteer. I guess I fill my time when the children are away

They all cry when it is time to go and it kills me. But I keep talking with them about their feelings and how to deal with their father and the whole situation. I suspect they will be wise and strong adults if they learn to manage their emotions and difficult people as children. One likes me to call when they are with their father. Another prefers I not call because it makes him sad and homesick. They afraid to tell him when they want to call me. I am glad they are able to communicate their needs and wants to me.

Hang in there! It will be ok!

[flourdust]

I totally understand your feelings, but it can turn out better than you think. I've been separated from my BPDw for the past year. We have split physical custody, with D11 with me most of the time.

Some things I've learned... .

The time you have with your kids is your shared time. Yours and theirs. Your disordered spouse can't interject her chaos into it.

You will be able to focus on your kids and they on you. You'll be able to do things together without fear of managing dysregulation. And, yes, that even means you'll be able to discipline your kids as needed without having to manage a childlike adult at the same time.

You'll be able to use your off time to take care of other needs -- whether it's getting some alone time, or some time with other grownups, or just taking care of household chores. These things won't be competing for your attention when you have your kids.

This all means that the quality of your parenting time is going to go way, way up. Your kids will notice it, too, as their anxiety with you will plummet. You won't see them every day, but the days when you are together will be healthier and create much better memories for all of you.

[livednlearned]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, friend.

It's got to be so hard divorcing her while still living with her, and being treated like that.

Why is she getting full physical custody? That's very unusual, and not recommended for the well-being of the kids.

If you don't mind me asking, what kind of special needs do your boys have?

Does your soon-to-be-ex-wife provide adequate care to them?

LnL

[SamwizeGamgee]

The boyfriend factor could play to your favor - the longer the process takes and more expensive it looks, the quicker she might want to get on with it (him).  Don't just roll over.  Dads have to stand up for equal rights too!
It takes two to make a loving relationship. Sadly, she choose to not be one side of it.  There's nothing else you can do. The past is the past. 
Regardless of anything else, take care of yourself.  There's a lot of bombs dropping on your life right now, and, sometimes you have to just wait until the shelling is over to see the clear sky again.  Work on you. Then on your abilities as a dad.  That means getting a solid legal plan, document all the things you do daily for the kids.  Do Not Leave The House.  Don't listen to your wife's legal advice or verbal abuse.

Man, that's a lot of life advice I just handed out.  Sorry if that sounds preachy!
Welcome!

[ForeverDad]

Don't listen to your wife's legal advice or verbal abuse.

In another reply I just made today I wrote:  Around here we've read comments like, "I know when my BPD Ex is lying, it's whenever she (he) opens her (his) mouth."

She had affair(s) without your knowledge.  She's oppositional, obstructive and a person likely to use the children, if any, against you.  The last thing you should do in the middle of a divorce is believe what she claims.  You know it would be per distorted perspective and only with her own interests at heart.  Always filter what she says through your lawyer, counselor or trusted friends and family.  And peer support such as here.