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Author Topic: Why do they cut off the people who love them the most?  (Read 1048 times)
Distressed Mothe

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 12


« on: January 19, 2017, 02:33:05 AM »

As I read the posts, one thing that stands out to me is how many of those that suffer from BPD cut their parents out of their lives. Does anyone know the reason for this since it is us, their parents, who love them the most? My daughter wrote an email to me telling me that she had disowned me and I would never see her or her daughters again. I have done more for her than any other mother I know has done for a child. I tried so hard to make her life good. Also, I note that they also use our grandchildren as punishment tools. Do they do this because they know that that hurts us the most?
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Dogsaregreat

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 6


« Reply #1 on: January 19, 2017, 06:23:36 PM »

I wish I knew the answer. We have done everything for our daughter. She grew up with a loving family, married 38 years, siblings, grandparents, and a good life. I was pretty much a stay at home mother and we always had dinner together around the table. We always supported her and encouraged her. She had a good life with us. Never saw any indication of problems. We helped her get a car and we paid for all of her college. She dropped out of nursing school in her third year and said she wanted to be a CNA. We never criticized her. We told her that perhaps nursing wasn't for her and we paid for her CNA training.  That didn't work.  She met her boyfriend who showered her with attention.  She left our home nearly 2 years ago to move in with him and his divorced parents and has pretty much  shut her family out. She lied  to his family and all his relatives and told them that we had thrown her out and disowned her and that we cut her off financially and that is why she had to drop out of college. That is so wrong and not the truth at all. It's like we don't mean anything to her at all anymore and everything we did doesn't really matter. The only thing that matters are the new so-called parents that she is living with. We want to help her but our hands are tied as she is 23 years old.  I myself have had to seek therapy to try to deal with my feelings of having been a failure. I have raised three kids and gave it my all and my husband has worked two jobs as well as myself working part time in the past. Through therapy I am coming to realize that  it is not anything that we have done wrong. She has to come to terms with her decision and as I have been told by my therapist that unless she wants help from us nothing else can be done. She needs to hit rock bottom. It is such a shame she was a loving happy child. Now I see someone who is constantly under the  affect of prescription drugs provided by her psychiatrist. I want my happy-go-lucky daughter back and the life we had before. My husband and I are both heartbroken and don't understand how she could have done this to us. He is dealing with it better than me. I think there was a song  once that said "you always hurt the ones you love" it is so sad.  I had been sick with breast cancer right around the time this all happened and am so distraught. I'm sure all of this stress is not helping and I worry about my cancer coming back and not having my daughter in my life.
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Distressed Mothe

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Posts: 12


« Reply #2 on: January 20, 2017, 07:05:28 PM »

I sure can identify with you. My daughter has also lied about me. I have not spoken to her since July when she disowned me. I am moving on with my life but I will never get over it. Most of the time, I am doing ok but there are times that I just break down and cry. You are fortunate if your husband is supportive. I believe that my husband may also suffer from this disorder. He has never been supportive. We are currently separated after 51 years of marriage. Fortunately, I have very supportive friends. However, sometimes, I think - why me? - when I tried so hard to be a good mother and a good wife. The only good thing is that I am not on the emotional roller coaster that I have spent years on. Watching everything I said and did was exhausting.
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Lollypop
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« Reply #3 on: January 21, 2017, 03:16:53 AM »

Hi

I understand the hurt and sometimes agony of their perceived selfishness and ungratefulness. I too doubted if my BPDs really understood just how much I loved him.

Here's a thought.

I was so totally obsessed with my problem teenage and then adult child. I just gave and gave in all ways, emotionally and financially. I just couldn't understand why he then distanced himself.

It's complicated.

My BPDs felt a multitude of emotions smacked with guilt and feelings of low self worth. He felt he didn't deserve everything we did. He felt completely smothered, invalidated and misunderstood. The honest truth is that he didn't deserve what we did for him, but we gave anyway. I made it worse, not him.

The consequence of my behaviour caused our relationship to break down.

Was I demonstrating to my BPDs how to have a healthy relationship?

No, the complete opposite.

These are hard facts for me to bear. God knows, I did my best with what I knew at the time. I tried everything until this forum showed me something new I could try. I felt incredibly sad, so very sorry for myself. I was needy.

I could only change myself, nobody else.

I started to live my own life, do things I enjoyed just for myself. I went back to college as a mature adult and got new interests and friends. I demonstrate to my BPD that I have my own life and that he isn't the centre of my world (he's not smothered any more).

Slowly, he could see me change. I worked hard reading and learning about BPD. Particularly, validation skills. I learnt how to not react to my BPD, not to judge or interfere.  I still raise a quiet eyebrow that he can't see and can use humour to myself, deary me sometimes it ain't easy!

This may not be what you want to hear but it's how I see it. Our situations are all very different. This is how it is for me.

Being apart from our loved ones is so terribly painful, particularly grandchildren. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Take care of yourself

L
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