What is best for the child?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi, this is my first post here. I was looking for a support group to help with the decision to either leave or fully commit to the BPD  father of my 6 month old. We've been in an on again off again relationship for around 3-4 years, lived together for one year (with a couple months of me moving out when I was pregnant) and now have been living apart for 3 months. Currently, were "together" because things have been going well and planning on saving money to get another place together in a few months. We are both 27 and each living with parents.

I just can't decide f I should completely cut him out or just completely commit and take on the burden of his illness. It has to be one or the other because he will not, in his words, "be a part time father". When i left he would say a dramatic goodbye to both me and his son, even went as far as putting on a huge production throwing all of his belongings away and saying he was moving to Florida and we'd never see him again. A few days later of course he came to his senses but since then another incident has happened. Any time I say we aren't going to be together this happens and my son suffers. It's clear that he is going to be an all or nothing father... .so which is better?

I only just recently started to take his illness seriously and most of the time I feel confident that I can deal with it. I'm going to seek out a therapist for help as well (he won't go to a therapist himself). I feel like I have no choice but to be with him. If we aren't together... he'll say he won't be in his sons life but that will only last a few weeks. When he does come back he will always be trying to be with me or making us suffer because I won't. I'll have to let him have our son on weekends and not be there to make sure he's not lashing out at him like he does to me. And our son will always suffer when he and I aren't getting along.

If I stay with him... .yes I will have to deal with a lot of hurtful words and blown out of proportion fights and accusations but, they always pass. And I will always be there to protect my son. And I will always be there to help his father through life. He needs my help and like it or not he's my fathers son and I love him dearly.
One thing I haven't included so far is that when we aren't in the mess of a crisis, things are great. And he is not physically abusive. The verbal abuse only comes when he is not himself and it's as if he blacked out  during the entire incident.

Idk... .to my family and friends it's a clear cut "leave him and never look back" but they don't understand that his illness isn't really him. That he needs a supportive family and without my son and I, I'm scared he'll just spiral into complete self destruction. Any insight from people with some experience in this is soo so appreciated.

[beebright]

Hi, this is my first post here. I was looking for a support group to help with the decision to either leave or fully commit to the BPD  father of my 6 month old. We've been in an on again off again relationship for around 3-4 years, lived together for one year (with a couple months of me moving out when I was pregnant) and now have been living apart for 3 months. Currently, were "together" because things have been going well and planning on saving money to get another place together in a few months. We are both 27 and each living with parents.

I just can't decide f I should completely cut him out or just completely commit and take on the burden of his illness. It has to be one or the other because he will not, in his words, "be a part time father". When i left he would say a dramatic goodbye to both me and his son, even went as far as putting on a huge production throwing all of his belongings away and saying he was moving to Florida and we'd never see him again. A few days later of course he came to his senses but since then another incident has happened. Any time I say we aren't going to be together this happens and my son suffers. It's clear that he is going to be an all or nothing father... .so which is better?

I only just recently started to take his illness seriously and most of the time I feel confident that I can deal with it. I'm going to seek out a therapist for help as well (he won't go to a therapist himself). I feel like I have no choice but to be with him. If we aren't together... he'll say he won't be in his sons life but that will only last a few weeks. When he does come back he will always be trying to be with me or making us suffer because I won't. I'll have to let him have our son on weekends and not be there to make sure he's not lashing out at him like he does to me. And our son will always suffer when he and I aren't getting along.

If I stay with him... .yes I will have to deal with a lot of hurtful words and blown out of proportion fights and accusations but, they always pass. And I will always be there to protect my son. And I will always be there to help his father through life. He needs my help and like it or not he's my fathers son and I love him dearly.
One thing I haven't included so far is that when we aren't in the mess of a crisis, things are great. And he is not physically abusive. The verbal abuse only comes when he is not himself and it's as if he blacked out  during the entire incident.

Idk... .to my family and friends it's a clear cut "leave him and never look back" but they don't understand that his illness isn't really him. That he needs a supportive family and without my son and I, I'm scared he'll just spiral into complete self destruction. Any insight from people with some experience in this is soo so appreciated.

[SamwizeGamgee]

The decision to "stay or go" is very personal.  Your answers might change day to day, week to week for a long time.  That is okay.  Part of the mystery of this is with BPD, I believe, is a controllable behavior for the most part, and they can turn on the good behavior when they must.  These good times make us forget the bad, and rationalize sticking it through the bad times.  It's maddening. 

I project these things to be ahead of you.  First, he won't get better.  If anything, real parenting takes more out of you - and is not a time to be selfish, or have abusive behaviors improve.  My wife gets worse with stress, child care is a stress.  I can't speculate what it does to a BPD as a dad, but, it won't be good for him, you, or the baby.  That said, I believe strongly in fatherhood, and kids benefit from time and connection with dads - even if it has to be regulated / supervised.  All kids need to know they are loved and valued, they don't need to know why dad is not around all the time, or gets mad.  IF that is a solution you can arrive at, then I think you have done well for the kid. 

I don't believe that he is actually going to be an "all or nothing" father.  It seems more that he is throwing tantrums, threatening you, to get some result from you.  You will likely have to be the adult in the room and not let his moods and threats dictate what the best environment for the child is.

It is tried and true history that you cannot rescue or cure someone with BPD. They have to want it and work for it.  Look at exactly who you are, and who you are with.  Nothing will change for the better without work.  You may be the only one who can do the work.  You can't marry someone to cure them, make them happy - or make them anything for that matter.  It is not your job, or within your power to sustain him.  He made it into adulthood somehow without you, he can carry on. 

Consider carefully making any further commitments.  I have learned to say that you can marry more unhappiness in a day than you can earn an entire lifetime on your own.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey bb, welcome!  A good rule of thumb is: what's best for you is best for your child.  So, what do you think is best for you?  I know that may be a hard question for you to answer at the moment, but it's worth thinking about.  Let me ask you another tough question: What would you like to see happen?  Taking on the "burden of his illness," as you put it, is a thankless task, in my view.  As the father of your child, he is already a part of your life, yet in a limited role.  To increase his impact on your life is a path fraught with peril, as Samwize suggests.  Everyone has to find their own way through the BPD Forest; suggest you listen to your gut feelings and try to figure out what is right for you.

LuckyJim

[Notwendy]

I will echo the others by saying- the best thing for your baby is what is good for you.


I do understand your concern that your boyfriend needs the love and care of a supportive family, but you are not obligated to be his caretaker. You can choose to be, but you are not responsible for the welfare of another adult.

You are responsible for you and your baby.

I know you are thinking like a mom who cares about your baby. I recall being pregnant with my first baby. I got strep throat. I asked the doctor "will the medicine hurt my baby?" ( it wouldn't) and his reply was " and how good do you think this will be for the baby to have a mom with strep throat". His point was- the best thing for the baby is taking care of the mother. This idea is also said on airplanes- mothers assisting small children should put the oxygen mask on first- then assist the child. Moms will consider their baby at all times, but we also need to learn to take care of ourselves so we can be good moms.

As to his all or none threats- that is a threat. Being there for the baby is his choice. If this was about the baby- he would do the best thing for the baby- whatever you decide. This may also be black and white thinking.

You may not be ready to make a decision - to completely cut him out or completely commit. There is another choice- and that is not to choose right away until you are ready. Being undecided indefinitely isn't a good thing, but it is Ok to take some time to decide. If you do decide to completely commit, that is not something to do half heartedly or with doubts.

There is a lot of information about BPD here and people to share their experiences. You can hang out here a while.