Mediation - round 3

[takingandsending]

In process of collaborative divorce with STBxBPDw, married 17 years, S5, S11.

Mediation session today. I did try two SET communications with xw in presence of mediator - one to address parenting issues to re-establish 50/50 custody agreement, and one to address secondary living arrangements for nesting. As expected, many obstacles were raised but we walked a little way back toward earlier agreement on residential schedule and have a 2 week deadline to have ideas/discuss secondary living arrangements. I am trying, in bits and pieces at this point, to get my xw to start a separate custody schedule. She seems to prefer just going when she decides she doesn't want to care for the kids and then griping about how I don't get the hint and leave the house when she wants time with them.

So, we agreed to a schedule, with us both living under the same roof, that has set times where one or the other of us agrees to stay out of the house until after boys are in bed/asleep and communication guidelines around schedule changes. Even as I write this, I am immensely frustrated. It would be so much easier for us both to just find a place to live for a month or two than continue to do this awkward dance. Instead, we have to mark up a calendar for the kids so that they know who to expect is looking after them and explain how we weren't ready to move out.

I am feeling desperate to have separation from her. I feel like this is going to be a never ending process. Worse yet, I feel like I am delaying my enjoyment of being with my sons, because the cloud of this divorce is just hanging overhead all the time. I didn't have high hopes going into the session, but it seems that almost next to nothing is accomplished as yet another week and another bill for services rolls by.

On the positive side, I was much more firm in my communication boundaries. I refused to indulge blame/shame comments from my wife, offering to let her vent to the mediator if she needed but expressed that I did not need to be around to listen to it. I never trashed her, but I held to my values of respectful speech. I kept pushing toward solutions and only got lightly hooked a time or two. I swear, she is like fly paper, trying to get people stuck in her disordered thinking whenever she can. I leave these sessions just hating her, or at least hating having to spend time working on problems with her. I pray and believe it is going to diminish over time, but it can't come soon enough!

Oh. Forgot that the whole session started off with her explaining how a "friend" had called her at 7 in the morning and "processed her emotions" and that she was really dealing with heavy stuff, like considering what was best for her and how so many people have lined up to prevent her from considering what was best for her. My stomach turns in knots when she spouts this type of crap. She is one of the most selfish people I have ever known, consistently, without restraint, without limit. I hear what she says, and it's like I am a little afraid to sit next to her for fear the lightning strike is going to take us both out.

Pray for me.

[ForeverDad]

Times where she's making the core issues clouded by churning the muddy waters, you need to turn to the mediator (stbEx won't really listen) and ask that the mediation stay on task and not get diverted into side issues... .generally emotion-based ones with little or no documentation.  As that old police show quipped, "Just the facts, ma'am."

[takingandsending]

I hear you, ForeverDad, and believe me, I am trying to do that. I continually redirect the discussion back to what needs to get done. At one point, STBxw's self indulgent sidetrack caught the mediator so off guard she lost track of the particular point she was trying to help us work out. I jumped in and brought it back on track. But I am used to this with my wife. I know how she gains power and control over being able to dictate the conversations. Unfortunately, in collaborative process, it is about working with each party's needs, and with BPD, the "needs" are a bottomless pit.

In the end, I know this is how my wife likes things. She wants the security of having convenient sources to blame for how she feels inside. Despite the many reassurance I have received that the mediator is experienced with BPD clients, I don't see us making progress. I will talk to my L about it.

[takingandsending]

 Sent e-mail to L asking that he request mediator to provide clear, firm, consistent boundaries for both of us during discussions. Stick to point - complaints, stories and feelings not up for discussion. DV, suicidal ideation, behavior detrimental to kids, impulsive reckless behavior is fair game but all else needs to be dealt with a personal counselor outside of mediation.

There is little reason to talk about anything other than: parent plan and division of property. The child support and maintenance is for the lawyers and financial specialist to do.

I should not have to pay specialists who don't know how to do their job.