New member, my story

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Married for 36 years. Wife has been an alcoholic for 10ish years. Clean for a little over a year. She was diagnosed with BPD a month ago.
After her rehab, things were much better, but we did start having fights that reminded me of the old times. So I got real stupid and set up a hidden camera to see if she was drinking. Found out (before diagnosis) she wasn't, BUT did find out she was having an affair with a good friend of ours . Didn't see the actual act but the contact and texts, I've read on her phone, pretty much nails it. Wasn't sure what to do. Didn't want to hurt our family (2 adult daughters). Have not yet approached her with it.
2 weeks ago she found the camera and hell broke loose. She relapsed and, of course, blamed it on me. The relapse only lasted 2 days. Now she VERY angry and says all is my fault.
Started seeing a therapist, started going to ALANON, and reading about BPD.
Throught these, I'm coming to the realasation that I need to think about myself.
So, today am going to confront her about the affair. Am afraid it'll trigger another relaps. BUT, I need to think about myself right?

[Skute61]

Married for 36 years. Wife has been an alcoholic for 10ish years. Clean for a little over a year. She was diagnosed with BPD a month ago.
After her rehab, things were much better, but we did start having fights that reminded me of the old times. So I got real stupid and set up a hidden camera to see if she was drinking. Found out (before diagnosis) she wasn't, BUT did find out she was having an affair with a good friend of ours . Didn't see the actual act but the contact and texts, I've read on her phone, pretty much nails it. Wasn't sure what to do. Didn't want to hurt our family (2 adult daughters). Have not yet approached her with it.
2 weeks ago she found the camera and hell broke loose. She relapsed and, of course, blamed it on me. The relapse only lasted 2 days. Now she VERY angry and says all is my fault.
Started seeing a therapist, started going to ALANON, and reading about BPD.
Throught these, I'm coming to the realasation that I need to think about myself.
So, today am going to confront her about the affair. Am afraid it'll trigger another relaps. BUT, I need to think about myself right?

[heartandwhole]

Hi Skute61,

What a difficult situation to be in. I'm sorry that your marriage is in crisis right now—that is so stressful. You've found a great place for support. Members here have been in similar situations and can relate to what you are going through. The good news is that there is hope—things really can get better.  

I'm glad to hear the you are getting professional support. Yes, it is important to think of yourself and your needs. So often in these kinds of relationships we forget that.

What has your therapist said about confronting your wife about the affair?

Do your grown children live with you?

Keep writing. It helps to share your experiences. We're here to support you.

heartandwhole

[Skute61]

I've just had one session. I'll be telling her the next visit.
Our daughters do not live with us. And don't plan on envolving them in the affair portion.
I actually confronted my wife today. It was quite emotional. I believe I saw a few different personalities come out in a short while.
First a - "yes I have a problem, it was just sex, but I kinda blame you".  Then the - "I am very sorry. I love you. I don't want to lose you".

[heartandwhole]

I believe I saw a few different personalities come out in a short while.
First a - "yes I have a problem, it was just sex, but I kinda blame you".  Then the - "I am very sorry. I love you. I don't want to lose you".

How are you coping with this emotionally, Skute? That's a lot to deal with. We have some great communication tools that might help with the anger and fear that is coming up:

A 3-Minute Lesson on Ending Conflict

heartandwhole