Can you be in a relationship with someone who has BPD?

[Lucy2015]

I've been married to someone who has BPD for almost 7 years.  Our courtship was a whirlwind and we were married within a year of our first date.  The marriage was great for about a year but after we moved into a house it was like a light switch was turned on and a different person emerged.  There were explosive bouts of anger with harsh criticism.  It seemed I couldn't do anything right.  My husband has no deep intimate relationships with really anyone.  His family keeps him at arms length.  I spent time with his daughter for the first time at Christmas last year when she came to visit.  The running joke with her was that she had her significant other on speed dial to come get her if things went south with her dad. My kids left for college this past summer and I thought things would get better after they left.  I was sadly mistaken.  Things got worse fairly quickly.  I told him I was done with his behavior and that he needed to get help.  He did see a counselor but I feel it was a half assed effort.  Things really didn't get better between us.  The communication is horrible.  I just plain don't communicate with him unless I absolutely have to.  Even having a conversation about nothing puts me on edge.  I told him I wanted a divorce but have agreed to seek counseling together to see if there is anything to salvage.  I'll admit he has been better but I don't trust the situation.  Any insight would be helpful.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Reforming]

Hi Lucy

First of all Welcome to BPD Family. I'm sorry that you're going through such a tough time right now but I'm really glad that you've found your way here.

Only a skilled professional can diagnose your husband but the pattern you're describing - and intense, idyllic beginning that quickly deteriorates is familiar to many others here. I understand that this very upsetting, confusing and stressful for you.

I can also understand why you feel very on edge right now but perhaps it's worth stepping back for a moment from the intensity of your situation.

You mentioned that your husband is seeking help and that his behaviour has improved. These are positive steps and I understand that you still have gave doubts about the future of your relationship it might be worth validating his efforts. Therapy and change is hard for everyone and when someone feels there efforts are devalued - I understand that he's given you very good reasons to doubt his intentions - they are less likely to persist.

Is he still seeing a therapist?

Seeking help from a couples therapist can be worthwhile but it's hard to move forward if you begin this process with a predetermined outcome in mind. I understand that right now you've feel like you've reached breaking point. But to get the best out of this process I think you need to try and believe in the possibility of change.  I know this is tough and are no guarantees but if possible I would try and approach couples counselling with an open heart and mind.

Do you have a support network of family and friends who you can lean on?

We're here for you

Reforming