Child with BPD

[Sugarfoot]

I’m pretty certain that my 19 year old daughter has BPD. I had to have her involuntarily committed to the behavioral health unit in our local ER two weeks ago after she threatened suicide, physically and verbally assaulted me and her stepfather, and caused great damage to our home. This was not the first incident of this nature, but it was the most severe. She was released after 24 hours and stayed with her father for a week and a half. Now she’s back home and I’m afraid of the same thing happening again. I don’t know what to do to get her help or to know what to do to help her myself.
I really need some advice!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Hello Sugarfoot and welcome.  I'm sorry you're facing this nightmare but I'm really glad you found us.  Lots of members here (myself included) have been through the same heartbreaking process.

A few things on where to start:

#1, your daughter has mental illness (maybe BPD, maybe not) and she's not behaving appropriately.  Your job as a parent is to do exactly what you would with any child, teen, etc.  There are rules and consequences in life, and mental illness does not give a free pass to act badly.  If anything, strict boundaries are more important for someone in that position so they clearly understand right from wrong. 

Giving them some leeway in terms of behaving badly actually enables them to become more bold with demands and future behavior....so you have to make it well known that the behavior won't fly in your home.

#2, in terms of getting your kid help, it's literally impossible until she realizes that she's a part of the problem.  What she's doing is feeling all kinds of negative emotion internally and she's linking those feelings to her environment around her....it must be your fault, the neighbor's fault, the dog's fault, etc.  So she lashes out because it feels better to let it go when we're frustrated (mentally ill or not)  and when she's not corrected then it intensifies.

#3, as a parent, it may seem like the top goal is to protect your kid and dance around her behavior problems instead of engaging....because engaging escalates the problems.  But go back to #1, backing away and giving free reign only intensifies problems in the long term.  So you must do exactly what you did at any sign of violence or self harm...you dial 9-1-1 and get the authorities involved.

Now obviously, your kid doesn't like this because she wants things her way....to be able to lash out and blame others because that means the problem isn't hers.  Mentally speaking though, she can't start to get better until she has that realization and sees a reason for actual change.  Even if you have to have her hauled to the local ER 10 times in the next ten weeks, that's a game you have to play in order to help her see the situation for what it is.

#4, another aspect of this is communication and making sure your kid knows you're an ally instead of an enemy.  You may think, "Oh, she knows that deep down," but it's sort of a hallmark of BPD to feel like a victim to those you're closest with.  So you want to be supportive and compassionate while also holding your ground on right/wrong.

For instance, there are rules of the home everyone must follow...make these rules very well known (cleaning up, being kind to others, curfews, responsibilities, etc).  Tell her she's welcome to stay there as long as she follows the rules that everyone follows, but she must leave if that's not acceptable to her.  Stuff like this is building healthy boundaries to clearly show right from wrong, which is a lesson she desperately needs reinforced as often as possible.

I'm sure you'll have questions so please ask away, and I'm sure others will chime in soon.  I hope this helps!

[CC43]

Hi Sugar,

Welcome to the group, in spite of the dire circumstances. I’ve been where you are and it was horrible. I called it my stepdaughter’s « nuclear » phase. She escalated in terms of intensity, and she had a hair-trigger response to perceived aggressions.

Pook is right, even if she hates the hospital, hates you and hates herself, you need to dial 911 if she is violent or threatening suicide. Your nerves are probably frazzled and your thinking might be impaired under stress, and you don’t want to see your daughter suffer, but if she doesn’t go to the hospital, she won’t learn or eventually get the help she needs.

I read somewhere that children might test boundaries because they are insecure and need to know you love them enough to provide needed structure and guidance. Sometimes I think that for pwBPD, who have negative thinking patterns, volatile emotions and a shaky sense of self, this might be especially true.