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[All4Love]

I have a 17 closing in on 18 year old who has struggled with intense emotions since a toddler. I found a note in their room during the grade 3 year indicating they wished they weren’t alive. It has been 11 years of knowing my child does not love or usually like their life. There has been self harm in the most recent few years. An ER visit that ended with no help. They have been through two assessments, doctors visits and medications, therapists (3, working on a fourth), and will be starting DBT next month.. We have had labels of  learning disability, ADHD, anxiety and depression. I myself believe it is a personality disorder, but I read it is best to not label it even if it is. The. Bio-Father has been mostly absent. Step father tries to be supportive but lately has been pushed away. I am on 100% of the time - advocating with school, arranging appointments and therapy, encouraging and supporting extracurriculars, getting them out the door to school.. Relationships are always tumultuous and short lived. There is no best friend, actually very few friends. Sometimes i am loved baby them, sometimes I am to blame for everything and I feel like a punching bag. In low timesI  hear how horrible our house is and that it is not safe for them to be who they want to be. Next I hear how I am their person and so wonderful.. I have a background in therapy and social services and we are fortunate to have the financial means to acquire help but I feel like I am drowning knowing a person I brought into this world hates it here - or at least tells me that. They are a beautiful human but can be like Jekyll and Hyde - same as my experience with the father. My relationship with the other children is incredibly close and wonderful but that too is a problem because it is seen as favouritism and unfair to the one who is struggling - so again I end up feeling guilty and having to watch how I interact with them. I am so exhausted by the walking on eggshells. I am heartbroken my child may spend their life hating it. I feel judged by parents of the peers who see this child as a problem to be solved. From the outside all you see is that they often bring conflict or a sadness to events, dinners, sports team, relationships, etc. My anxiety is through the roof wondering when the next shoe will drop and how we ended up here. I am hopeful DBT will be helpful but terrified we never got an accurate diagnosis and have not received the treatment that would give them the life they deserve. Considering their age I recognize I will need to step back and I don’t feel like I’ve finished what I started - of trying to set my child up for a successful future. Looking for strength and hope. ❣️

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[ChitChatCharley]

Hi there! First off, sorry to hear you're going through something similar to me - it's a lot. My 16yo will be 17 in November and we have a similar dynamic where the bio-father is more-or-less absent and her stepfather is helping me raise her.

I am curious how you're planning to approach the transition to "adulthood". In my particular case, it is unrealistic to expect that my daughter will be able to leave my house and provide for all of her own needs immediately. She has no intention of attending college or learning a trade, and hates working (she has a part-time job right now where she works no more than 10 hours a week). She goes to online school, which takes her less than an hour to complete each day.

I've accepted that, in this case, my "parenting" does not end at 18, but I'm also very conscious that I don't want to create a debilitating co-dependent relationship with her. As a result, I'm not really sure my parenting will look like after 18.

[All4Love]

Thank you for your reply. I have also wondered what adulthood will look like. Currently I have been focused on making it through graduation. A big concern for me is after being so involved  over the years in finding services and support, I know in a few short months my parenting rights to information will disappear but my parenting responsibilities will last way beyond this. I have been trying to find and get all the services I can put in place in hopes they will better manage the transition once I have no legal access to information or treatment. They are working on a trade this year and are considering university in the future. They do not have any experience working but are keen to move out. They have  a good awareness of the costs of medications and therapies and have expressed concern about this. I don’t know what the future has in store for us but I try to hold onto hope that with the years of treatment along with life experience and ongoing maturing they will be independent in time. Right now I am walking on eggshells taking one day at a time trying to support and encourage any forward motion. Would love any thoughts on how to best support the transition to adulthood!

[ChitChatCharley]

Wow. You summarized every one of my fears with your sentence: "in a few short months my parenting rights to information will disappear but my parenting responsibilities will last way beyond this". Technically my daughter shouldn't graduate until Summer of 2026, but I've worked with her school counselor to not give her a summer break so she can graduate in December 2025 (a month after she turns 18). I'm terrified that once she turns 18, she's going to realize she is an "adult" and "able to make her own decisions".

I've actually pondered getting a limited conservatorship over her finances, at a minimum.