How to prevent adult stepdaughter from negative thinking / self-sabotage

[CC43]

Hello BPD family community,

I've been active on these boards recently as I brace myself for potential self-sabotaging by my stepdaughter, who is in her mid-20s and was diagnosed with BPD a few years ago.  She got treatment and had been doing better, but she's still fragile.

Her story is probably fairly typical.  She couldn't handle college and basically self-destructed with negative thinking patterns, lashing out at family and friends, followed by suicide attempts.  She created all sorts of stories of abuse.  At first I gave her the benefit of the doubt, but over time, I saw how her stories didn't align with facts.  Rather, the stories coincided with stress and/or disappointments in her life.  She was weaving stories of ABUSE as an EXCUSE.  That basically morphed into a self-sabotaging, toxic, victim attitude.  As time went on, her victimhood thinking "hardened," as she couldn't escape the negative self-talk and victim narrative, mixed with lashing out at others, blaming them for her own problems.  She quit almost everything--school, jobs and relationships.  When she was NEETT--not in employment, education, training or therapy--she was miserable, and she made us miserable right along with her.

Fortunately, she landed in the hospital a few times, and she eventually decided to take therapy seriously.  To her credit, she made a lot of progress.  Her daily habits improved, she stopped self-medicating with marijuana (I think), and my husband and I weren't fearing for her life constantly anymore.  Though she's currently alienated from various family members, she's in close contact with her dad (my husband), who is her main ally in helping her get back on track, together with her therapist.  He also supports her financially.  She made tentative efforts at working, and she did OK.  However, I was worried that she couldn't handle anything close to a full-time schedule.  She does well when she has to work only one or two shifts per week, leaving a lot of downtime and energy for fun things.  I felt that she basically took off this past summer.  I want her to have fun, but I feel that the way she's living (and spending) isn't sustainable.  Basically, she's had fewer commitments than a first-grader in the last year.  She loves "in between" times, or "transition" periods marked by few commitments, while looking forward to future plans--like a new apartment, a trip, a new class, a new job or a new therapy program.  But then, the transition period comes to an end.

Against my better judgment (but I couldn't say anything--she's not my child), my husband paid for another semester of college, full-time.  I was wary, because I felt that my stepdaughter hadn't demonstrated an ability to handle a full-time schedule, and she had dropped out of college on four prior occasions.  I know my husband only wants what's best for his daughter, and I do too, but I really fear she'll quit once the pressure starts building--which usually occurs in early October, when mid-terms loom and the first large assignments are due.  I don't think that the coursework is too intellectually challenging for her--I think the school she's attending is at her intellectual level, and a better fit than the first college she attended.  What's challenging her is managing her emotions and maintaining focus.

Sure enough, my stepdaughter is showing signs of instability right now.  After months of silence, she's now dredging up ancient slights from childhood, and she's creating friction with her sister, with whom she hasn't maintained an active dialogue for many months now, as they were estranged.  She's been on the phone with her dad for hours over the last few days, with the usual negative thinking loop (I'm a loser, I don't have any friends, it's hopeless), mixed with conflict (the incessant talk about an abusive childhood).  I think my husband finally understands that this mode of thinking is setting her up for self-sabotage, and that she has to focus on her studies right now, and not on stirring the pot with her sister, with no realistic potential for closure or resolution.  I don't believe my stepdaughter has any idea of how to repair the relationship with her estranged sister right now, or understands what she hopes to gain by sparring with her--punishment? retribution?  I overheard parts of the conversations with her dad, and he stayed calm, reassuring and upbeat.  He emphasized how she can't change the past, and he pointed out that she's not in an abusive situation right now.  But I'm very concerned that she'll fall back into the usual behaviors:  quit going to class, get behind, go down a negative-thinking spiral that consumes all her time and energy, and then withdraw from school (again!), flushing money down the toilet.  When she withdraws, she usually avoids contact, until she runs out of money.  (My husband and I know that no communication always means bad news.)  Then she'll end up in the hospital, rather than face her dad and tell him about quitting.

Anyway, I'm seeking advice from other parents who might have lived through a similar situation, with a mid-functioning adult child with BPD.  We still have a dialogue with her, and I think we "see through" her excuses.  Is there a way to reassure her, and help her stay on track?  Any tips?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Notwendy]

I can't share from personal experience but a friend of mine has a daughter with BPD.

My own BPD mother is also intelligent but task avoidant. I have seen her try to do things and she gets extremely anxious about tasks- and to the point where she's rattled and scattered. So her "not doing anything" I think isn't laziness- I think it's to avoid emotional distress.

I do feel for my friend and try to be someone she can talk to, although we both feel ineffective in our own situations. I see some parallels in her daughter to my own mother. I have known this young woman since she was a child so I do see the vulnerability and the good in her and feel sad for her family that this is their struggle.

When it comes to college- I mention the anxiety because overwhelming anxiety makes it hard to process information- and then there's school failure- maybe a bad grade or not meeting expectations- and this creates more anxiety. Then there's the impact on self esteem for not being able to do something and the negative thinking.

This young woman is very smart- and has not been able to manage 4 year college. She did find a program through a community college that she liked which prepared her for a job she likes but it took a while for her to find this.

Your H will have to come to terms with his own expectation. Your SD might be very smart and the tendency is to assume she should go to college with her level of intelligence. However, the demand of a 4 year program may emotionally overwhelm her with anxiety. If she is in a program that is interested in and less of a stressor- and also a faster one- 1-2 years rather than 4- she may have a better chance at success and success is good for self esteem.

I don't think it's possible to change someone's thinking, but being able to accomplish something is better for that than another failure. I see your point though in that it is your H's daughter and he's going through his own process of coming to terms with this. He wants to give her the best chance possible- and he may need to feel he tried all he could. Maybe this is his best effort to do that.

There's a line between enabling and realistic expectations, and also being invalidating. I think it was a double edge sword with BPD mother. She is task avoidant and so doesn't get the chance to practice a task or get good at it. She's able to get people to do things for her- which gets her needs met but also then, she doesn't have a sense of accomplishment. Asking her to do something can result in her raging- and so we just don't ask. Yet feeling incapable isn't helpful for self esteem.

So, rather than to admit to herself ( and her Dad) that school is too stressful for her- (as that hurts self esteem) your SD's emotions are stirring up and the drama is starting. I think one aspect of BPD is projection and also avoidance in order to protect their own fragile sense of self. Instead of "I got a bad grade on a test" it's something else that she feels she's a victim of. I have seen this pattern of thinking with my own BPD mother- blaming others for her behavior or going back to an experience as an explanation for her current behavior.

I think your H has something to learn from this. He's given her the chance of one more semester at college and now, it's up to her. If this doeesn't work - he will see that and perhaps this is the experience he needs to have to know he's tried. Of course, do what you can to help her succeed and I hope she does but if she isn't able to manage college- it may be because emotionally she can't manage that kind of situation, but she may be able to manage another career path that is valuable too.

[CC43]

Hi Notwendy, I think you’re spot on. I’ve tried to « socialize » with my husband the notion that college isn’t for everyone, that millions of people don’t finish and go on to live very productive lives. I’m not sure what he thinks these days, except to give his daughter the best of everything. I personally don’t believe her major is valuable in the world of employment, and that trying school one more time is mostly a delay tactic in living as an adult. I think she wants to enroll in school for the spring breaks and summers off, more than for the education. The rhythms of college (easy orientation and passive listening to lectures, followed by papers, assignments and cramming for exams, and then judgment/grading) are more intense than many jobs. She just can’t take the stress and the prospect of failure, and she’s destabilizing now. It’s like watching a train wreck in slow motion. I’m waiting for the moment she’ll cut off communications with my husband. That’s a sure sign she’s about to self-destruct, or that she already has. And it’s only September. The main difference this time around is that my husband understands better that her ruminations about her childhood are self-sabotaging, getting old, and she needs to move on already.

[Notwendy]

I think it's easier to be more objective about family dysfunction when it isn't our own. Although my BPD mother's behavior was so disordered- one had to know it was- what wasn't obvious to me was co-dependent behavior- as it was the "normal" in our family so I had to work on this.

These relationships are our most significant ones- parent-child, spouse siblings. If there is disorder, I think it's also a personal "working it out" too. My H might see the situation with my mother objectively- it's not his mother. I recall when his mother got older and snapped at me- a result of being older and dependent and frustrated- I didn't have an emotional reaction to it- I could see the situation clearly. But it's hard to hear this from your own parent.

Or child- and I have seen my friend's struggle with her daughter. I think it's natural to have expectations of someone when they appear physically intact and are so intelligent, but their level of function may not match that, and it can be emotionally exhausting for them to try to keep up appearances to preserve their own fragile self image.

I feel empathy for my mother- who grew up in a family of accomplished people- and yet she somehow couldn't do that but she has a need to appear as if she can. I think the emotional aspects of BPD can be very distressing and interfere in their ability to be competent and not being able to meet expectations can be a source of shame. I also agree that college isn't the only path and in today's economy- a quicker path to employment is sometimes a better choice for a student. Someone can do that and if they want to- return to school later on to finish a 4 year degree. I think a community college program has a lot of opportunity and possibility.

I think for your H, he will need to have his own learning experience with your SD. If he went to college, then he may need to feel he made that opportunity available to her. This semester will show him if it is working or not. It's hard to avoid not trying to help- but beware the Karpan triangle but seeing how your SD does may be what he needs to know the results of his efforts.