Erratic behavior of 22 year old son

[Worried Wanda]

This is such a complicated and emotionally tumultuous illness for all involved. I am new here and am officially stuck in the quandary of what to do as a parent. I am the divorced mom of a 3rd born extremely physically fit and perpetually angry 22 year old who was fired from his job a month ago for "erratic and unpredictable" behavior. His employer disclosed that he stated my son decided want to clock in any longer because he "doesn't deserve to be paid". This back and forth  self sabotage like behavior was very troubling to his boss who finally had to let him go.
The escalating behavior began last February the day before we were to leave on a mother /son vacation and the day before we were to depart his car mysteriously caught on fire. Two months later he jumped out a one story window after raging while playing a video game.  A month after that he  punched out 3  windows in his new car in a fit of rage before he was due to come down to visit me 2 hours away.  We had a visits to both ER and crisis but have not been able to make any tracks as far as getting him help because he denies he is "suicidal" or at danger to himself or others. He has not had any serious behaviors the has month but his constant demeanor and communication when we do corresponds is ": What do you want?" " I never want to see you ever again" "Why should I tell you?" etc etc. he disappears for 24 hours and refuses to tell anyone where he has been or where he is going. All of us family members are just worried sick. I am looking for any advice from this who have been down this road before. Im starting to feel he has hatred towards me and it is extremely hard to deal with.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Winniethepoo]

Hello Wanda,

I'm so sorry. I have a daughter who is very similar and I know your agony. She has disappeared after rages ( even scarier for a female) and is violent at times - kicking,spitting etc. I sometimes feel like I'm in a movie and it's not really our life. I also know the ER drills with the discharge because there is no suicidal ideation. We are trying a new therapist for DBT and in the meantime, we tip toe around her when she is home. I choose my words carefully and just hope for the best. I try to just relax for the hours I have to myself without drama , forcing thoughts of her out of my mind for my own sanity. I'm not very good with advice - sorry - I am new to the website and trying to make sense of my life as well. I can only tell you that I understand your pain and worry. I guess I live a few hours at a time now  , not a day at a time....

[Sancho]

Hi Worried Wanda
I have read your post a few times - it certainly is worrying behaviour! There are some aspects that don't seem to fit easily into the scope of BPD. The attitude towards you and your care is quite BPD!

To what extent do you think these episodes are designed to make sure your attention is focused on him? Or designed to avoid going on the holiday?  Has ds made any statements re not wanting to be alive?

They seem to be very extreme episodes, but somewhat spaced out - do I read this correctly? What is ds like between these episodes?

In the back of my mind I am wondering if these are psychotic episodes? If so, I then wonder if they are associated with some form of substance abuse.

It is common for people with mental health issues to self medicate and sometimes these substances can have serious side effects.

Does DS live with you? If so it would be easier to try to discern a pattern. You mention timing eg 'a month later' etc and I am wondering if the episodes are connected to the times ds disappears, or any other thing that happens before these episodes.

I think the only thing I would be able to do in this situation is to be very observant about what ds is doing/saying/who he iis spending time with etc to try to identify any pattern that exists. There may be other family members that ds is on good terms with that could help you out in trying to get an idea of possible causes of these episodes.

In my case I have been aware of DD's pattern for a long time now, who she is most likely spending time with and what the effect of that will be in a few days time.

I do hope you are able to get a clearer picture of the cause of these episodes, because they are very worrying indeed. So many of us here are living with the huge anxiety associated with our children's worrying behaviour, disappearances and crises. It can be so overwhelming.