I know its a lost cause

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi all, my first post Ill be making here after spending a fair amount of time lurking. Been doing a lot of reading on BPD with lots of internal debate about what direction I want my life to go in.

My partner and I are not married but are heavily entrenched in each other's lives for example him accessing and controlling all of "our"(my) finances. He will deny this if pointed out but he is the major decision maker/one who controls in the relationship. I am not allowed to drive his car despite paying for it and its insurance every month as well as gas. He will ask me my input on something - dinner, finances, etc and then dismiss it and go with his original idea. Even though I am making 3x as much as him I have to report all my spending to him, ask permission to buy things and am so drained paying his debts that I can never build a savings. My own financial goals for life or hobbies are belittled.

Then there is the verbal and physical abuse. Usually its subtle but even when not I am told im overreacting and that he shouldn't have to apologize for "nothing". No matter how gently I bring up a genuine issue or criticism that can't be ignored or affects us both, he turns it around to say Im attacking him, that i enjoy putting him down, so on. I tried to have a sit down with him that he needs to find more formal employment than app-based food delivery because I cant support two people especially as myself I am technically handicapped, and he gets defensive, accusing me of saying he doesn't work at all and he flipped my bowl of food at me. Later on I have to hear about how I hurt him so bad and have to apologize, while being told im the cause of his physical reaction and he didnt do anything wrong. In a week he will probably tell me he doesnt remember the instance at all and Ive fabricated this all for fun, or he will remember it with our roles swapped i.e claim i actually hit him. This is just one of many kinds of interactions that follow the dynamic of - bring up genuine issue or hurtful instance in a respectful way -> he gets defensive and hurt by hearing about the harm hes caused -> he reacts physically or by shouting insults and slurs at me -> in the end its my fault for "causing" his anger and i have to apologize with no closure of my own not even over the original thing. Now i get to feel hurt 2x...

Another problem is, its not like I can just ignore the behaviors because they affect my health or well-being and again he is a major source of control over my life. He really IS constantly forgetting, procrastinating, or half-arseing things due to severely untreated ADHD as a likely comorbidity. He is able to rely on me in ways I could never rely on him and doesnt allow me means of providing for myself.. this isnt "he forgot the laundry again", its If i cant drive the car and need him to get me to work, and hes always late, I can't just ignore that and be late and get fired, for example. And if i cant save for one of my own as mentioned and am not allowed to drive myself, my only option is relying on someone chronically unreliable!

I also dont like that I am at the point now of finding myself reacting to him the way he and other BPDs reacts to things, and admittedly its hard to stop. I cant respect someone who doesn't respect me, and normally I believe in straightforward communication, not playing games behind each others backs. For example, if he forgets to include my clothes every time he does laundry, at first I might not think much of it. If it keeps happening and doesn't stop after I respectfully bring it up, I start to feel like im not being considered and I ask him if he would like being in my position. If he piles on dismissal about how its not a big deal, doesnt matter, and I'm overreacting, I might think about this the next time I'm doing laundry and decide not to include his clothes. It makes me feel petty and small because generally I find vengefulness or "returning the favour" when it comes to hurtful behavior by repeating it unjustified and childish. But its not like this was ever my first response, even if BpD partner claims so - I communicated calmly and expressed what my issue was many times, and was essentially told its not worth respecting, so how can I now be respectful to someone who treats me that way? All that runs through my mind is "he wouldnt do it for me, why should i for him?" during these times. His explosive reactions to my attempts to discuss issues has also caused me to feel like I have to retreat instead of communicating directly what my problem is. Now when I feel hurt I spend a lot of time stuck in my thoughts, wondering if it's worth bringing up, knowing ill be yelled at and shot down, knowing he wont care. Wondering if i say the magic words then this time itll get through to him, maybe i should talk about it, maybe i shouldn't, is there a point when i know exactly what will be said? I do not normally agree with withdrawing or "silent treatments" but I have tried the reasonable option and that was worse, so I've learned. He will claim he's never once hurt me, cant understand why i feel frustrated and that im just angry with him for no reason, that ive invented problems. Hes "a very calm and nice person" in his words.

This tends to be the source of a big double standard in our relationship, one of many, that all of HIS feelings and responses are valid, nobody is suffering more than him, anything youve gone through he has somehow gone through a worse version you couldnt possibly have experienced. When he is in pain, no matter how small the slight, i am now the devil and there's no convincing him otherwise. Whatever the mistake may have been, even little things like misplacing a brush, he puts me down heavily and even accuses me of doing the mistake on purpose, refusing to believe me otherwise. Making me apologize and express self awareness of it over and over. None of which is ever enough of course.

I have been isolated and controlled most of my life so it's easy for me to accept it. Im not religious but grew up in a household with Catholic values and subsequent restrictions - little interaction with the outside world and basically no personal decision making, not even allowed to walk past the front yard or make friends your parents didnt immediately approve of. They wouldn't allow me any independence and it was my partner who taught me to drive and helped me get a job.

I try to tell myself that I don't like being around him anymore. It feels bad being around someone who is always condescending, has a low opinion of me, and I feel like i am the one walking on eggshells to avoid his reactions. But there was a beginning when things were amazing (as it always goes) and I keep hoping someday something will click and he will realize his insanity but I am hoping for something impossible. I know this and still try. Because when he isnt in a bad mood, despite all the awfulness, he can still express very loving sentiments and has always maintained physical affection and attraction to me. I am also physically insecure and have often experienced one-sided romances, either being rejected or dating people who lack affection and desire to touch. I worry I wont be able to find someone who covers the bases of "attracted to me", "kind and respectful to me", and "attractIVE to me" all together, like those you-can-only-pick-two-sides-of-the-triangle imaginary dilemmas. I know staying with him means sacrificing a lot of myself - hobbies, friends (new people we try meeting often end up having some problem with him and it reflects on us both), my self esteem. I feel like the only way is detaching and truly not caring but what kind of relationship is that.. dishonest, withholding, because you cant feel understood by them, having to accept you will never have a "nice husband/wife/etc" who is present, understanding, someone you can never critique nor view as equal. Glaring financial abuse aside for me, why are we so susceptible to the love bombing and memories that we know are BS and yet so reluctant to leave?

[Lostpuppy]

Hi all, my first post Ill be making here after spending a fair amount of time lurking. Been doing a lot of reading on BPD with lots of internal debate about what direction I want my life to go in.

My partner and I are not married but are heavily entrenched in each other's lives for example him accessing and controlling all of "our"(my) finances. He will deny this if pointed out but he is the major decision maker/one who controls in the relationship. I am not allowed to drive his car despite paying for it and its insurance every month as well as gas. He will ask me my input on something - dinner, finances, etc and then dismiss it and go with his original idea. Even though I am making 3x as much as him I have to report all my spending to him, ask permission to buy things and am so drained paying his debts that I can never build a savings. My own financial goals for life or hobbies are belittled.

Then there is the verbal and physical abuse. Usually its subtle but even when not I am told im overreacting and that he shouldn't have to apologize for "nothing". No matter how gently I bring up a genuine issue or criticism that can't be ignored or affects us both, he turns it around to say Im attacking him, that i enjoy putting him down, so on. I tried to have a sit down with him that he needs to find more formal employment than app-based food delivery because I cant support two people especially as myself I am technically handicapped, and he gets defensive, accusing me of saying he doesn't work at all and he flipped my bowl of food at me. Later on I have to hear about how I hurt him so bad and have to apologize, while being told im the cause of his physical reaction and he didnt do anything wrong. In a week he will probably tell me he doesnt remember the instance at all and Ive fabricated this all for fun, or he will remember it with our roles swapped i.e claim i actually hit him. This is just one of many kinds of interactions that follow the dynamic of - bring up genuine issue or hurtful instance in a respectful way -> he gets defensive and hurt by hearing about the harm hes caused -> he reacts physically or by shouting insults and slurs at me -> in the end its my fault for "causing" his anger and i have to apologize with no closure of my own not even over the original thing. Now i get to feel hurt 2x...

Another problem is, its not like I can just ignore the behaviors because they affect my health or well-being and again he is a major source of control over my life. He really IS constantly forgetting, procrastinating, or half-arseing things due to severely untreated ADHD as a likely comorbidity. He is able to rely on me in ways I could never rely on him and doesnt allow me means of providing for myself.. this isnt "he forgot the laundry again", its If i cant drive the car and need him to get me to work, and hes always late, I can't just ignore that and be late and get fired, for example. And if i cant save for one of my own as mentioned and am not allowed to drive myself, my only option is relying on someone chronically unreliable!

I also dont like that I am at the point now of finding myself reacting to him the way he and other BPDs reacts to things, and admittedly its hard to stop. I cant respect someone who doesn't respect me, and normally I believe in straightforward communication, not playing games behind each others backs. For example, if he forgets to include my clothes every time he does laundry, at first I might not think much of it. If it keeps happening and doesn't stop after I respectfully bring it up, I start to feel like im not being considered and I ask him if he would like being in my position. If he piles on dismissal about how its not a big deal, doesnt matter, and I'm overreacting, I might think about this the next time I'm doing laundry and decide not to include his clothes. It makes me feel petty and small because generally I find vengefulness or "returning the favour" when it comes to hurtful behavior by repeating it unjustified and childish. But its not like this was ever my first response, even if BpD partner claims so - I communicated calmly and expressed what my issue was many times, and was essentially told its not worth respecting, so how can I now be respectful to someone who treats me that way? All that runs through my mind is "he wouldnt do it for me, why should i for him?" during these times. His explosive reactions to my attempts to discuss issues has also caused me to feel like I have to retreat instead of communicating directly what my problem is. Now when I feel hurt I spend a lot of time stuck in my thoughts, wondering if it's worth bringing up, knowing ill be yelled at and shot down, knowing he wont care. Wondering if i say the magic words then this time itll get through to him, maybe i should talk about it, maybe i shouldn't, is there a point when i know exactly what will be said? I do not normally agree with withdrawing or "silent treatments" but I have tried the reasonable option and that was worse, so I've learned. He will claim he's never once hurt me, cant understand why i feel frustrated and that im just angry with him for no reason, that ive invented problems. Hes "a very calm and nice person" in his words.

This tends to be the source of a big double standard in our relationship, one of many, that all of HIS feelings and responses are valid, nobody is suffering more than him, anything youve gone through he has somehow gone through a worse version you couldnt possibly have experienced. When he is in pain, no matter how small the slight, i am now the devil and there's no convincing him otherwise. Whatever the mistake may have been, even little things like misplacing a brush, he puts me down heavily and even accuses me of doing the mistake on purpose, refusing to believe me otherwise. Making me apologize and express self awareness of it over and over. None of which is ever enough of course.

I have been isolated and controlled most of my life so it's easy for me to accept it. Im not religious but grew up in a household with Catholic values and subsequent restrictions - little interaction with the outside world and basically no personal decision making, not even allowed to walk past the front yard or make friends your parents didnt immediately approve of. They wouldn't allow me any independence and it was my partner who taught me to drive and helped me get a job.

I try to tell myself that I don't like being around him anymore. It feels bad being around someone who is always condescending, has a low opinion of me, and I feel like i am the one walking on eggshells to avoid his reactions. But there was a beginning when things were amazing (as it always goes) and I keep hoping someday something will click and he will realize his insanity but I am hoping for something impossible. I know this and still try. Because when he isnt in a bad mood, despite all the awfulness, he can still express very loving sentiments and has always maintained physical affection and attraction to me. I am also physically insecure and have often experienced one-sided romances, either being rejected or dating people who lack affection and desire to touch. I worry I wont be able to find someone who covers the bases of "attracted to me", "kind and respectful to me", and "attractIVE to me" all together, like those you-can-only-pick-two-sides-of-the-triangle imaginary dilemmas. I know staying with him means sacrificing a lot of myself - hobbies, friends (new people we try meeting often end up having some problem with him and it reflects on us both), my self esteem. I feel like the only way is detaching and truly not caring but what kind of relationship is that.. dishonest, withholding, because you cant feel understood by them, having to accept you will never have a "nice husband/wife/etc" who is present, understanding, someone you can never critique nor view as equal. Glaring financial abuse aside for me, why are we so susceptible to the love bombing and memories that we know are BS and yet so reluctant to leave?

[ForeverDad]

Welcome! There is a wealth of collective wisdom and experience here, we've "been there, experienced that".

Since you're posting on this Conflicted board, it appears you're contemplating ending the relationship?

A lot of how you approach that depends upon your local and state/province laws which can vary from one jurisdiction to another.  So very privately and very confidentially it would be wise to seek interviews or consultations with local experienced lawyers or solicitors.  Once you have an idea of where you stand and where he stands from a legal standpoint, then you can decide which strategies and paths are best for you.

Why did I emphasize very privately and very confidentially? Because Nice Guys and Nice Gals like us typically try to be super fair, even to the point of giving fair notice.  The risk is that our sense of well-meaning fairness can expose us to enhanced sabotage and obstruction from the other person, all because we shared Too Much Information (TMI).  Usually your lawyer can advise you what and when you can share necessary information.