Supportive Spouse

[Happy_Sol]

With the holidays approaching, I am starting to dread my MIL's (BPD) arrival for Christmas. Typically, this dread appears about two weeks before she arrives and for two weeks after she leaves there is post visit reflection on the trauma's we endured.

Let me give a little background on the situation before asking for advice. My MIL has a similar story to many folks I see in the forum. She was abused early in life, ran away from home, started a family (2 daughters) and then pulled children away from their father and moved them across the country. While dating my future wife, the MIL abruptly announced she was picking up everything and moving 2,000 miles away (no job, no housing plan just an impulse).

When I first met my wife, it wasn't immediately clear the problems with her mother. At first, I really got along with her and it seemed like a good relationship. However, in time things kept happening where we would get pulled into fabricated story lines in what felt like a soap opera. It took us a long time to figure out how to navigate this relationship but we ultimately have put solid boundaries in place. No more texting, once a week phone calls and limited stays (no more than 3 full days). We do Thanksgiving with my family and Christmas the MIL comes up. My wife's sister lives a few hours away and we sometime "share custody" of the MIL on her visit. But this year the sister is putting down some firmer boundaries, which I respect and understand. As a family unit we are all aligned on the MIL's BPD and have a good approach all together to make visits as smooth as possible.

I grew up in a very stable household, with calming loving parents. I can't recall a time where voices were raised or conflicts became untenable. This MIL has really thrown me for a loop and has been really the only challenge I have faced with my wife. I am open about my feeling towards her, possibly too much. I would prefer my wife to cut her out of her life but I don't think that is on the table.  As a spouse this situation is just so tough. I feel like a bully is hurting my wife and I can't really do much to stop it. The abuse happens in their conversations or if I step out, never in front of me (one time it did and I stepped in, hasn't happened since).

What makes this year different is that my wife and I now have a newborn and the MIL is really trying to push the boundaries and stay longer, which I understand. My position however, is that I don't want this woman anywhere near my child. I have seen the psychological warfare she has imposed on her children, siblings and people in her life and it's my job to protect my child. I have set the rule that she will not have any unsupervised access to this child, ever. Even though right now the baby is just a newborn, I don't want to set the expectations that she can babysit or see the baby without anyone around. Since the baby has been born the MIL has been on her best behavior and I think my wife wants to have this hallmark family moment. I honestly, understand what and why she wants this but its just going to be a giant let down.

I feel like the bad person saying I don't want the MIL to be here longer than our normal timeframe. My wife told me that she is more worried about me when she comes to visit than the MIL. My wife knows how I feel about her and how it affects me and I know I struggle with her. I think my opinion and feeling about the MIL are set in stone and not going to change after all the abuse I have seen her impart on my wife.

How do I support my wife while also maintain my sanity? How do prevent the anticipatory dread of her arrival?

 

[zachira]

You are supporting your wife by doing what is best for your child by never allowing your MIL to be alone with the baby and limiting the time your MIL is in your home. Of course, you are dreading having your MIL in your home. Is there anybody you could have around so that your MIL would have to be on her best behavior? My mother had BPD. When I was staying at her house, I would often invite someone my mother felt she had to perform for and hide her BPD behaviors from. My mother often complained she could not be herself when I had guests there, and indeed she was a different person, hiding most of her BPD behaviors pretending to be someone else.

[Methuen]

Oh my.

I have the uBPD mother.  My husband is the one in your position.  If he was reading this, he would be nodding his head.

You have shared your position in this.  It seems like your wife has "awareness" of some of her mom's dysfunction (you mention how you are all aligned - including SIL).  But I'm wondering if you think there is still a part of your wife that is somewhat enmeshed with her mother?  She was raised by this woman after all.  Is your wife on side with you in not wanting her mother to ever be alone with the baby, or is there a part of her that is uncomfortable with that?  Does she want her mom to stay longer?

I am 62.  I didn't really have my eyes opened up WIDE until about 5-10 years ago.  It was a process which started 20 years ago when my dad became ill and passed away.

Here's an example:  mom would come over for dinner.  We had 2 kids.  Everyone would be sitting at the dinner table talking after the eating was finished.  As a narrator to this now, I can see the flaw in what I just wrote.  Not everyone was talking.  Mom was at the center of the talking because she needed to be the center of attention, and most of the conversation was about her.  I didn't see that at the time.  I was oblivious.  After a spell, my H would get up, leave the space, and start clean up and dishes.  He would tell me afterwards that he just couldn't sit there and listen to her anymore.  This surprised me, because he is just a patient and amazing "people person".  Everyone likes him!  Why couldn't he stand the conversation around the dinner table?  He was seeing something I wasn't, because I grew up with it, and this was normal.  I couldn't see the problem.  The dishes got done, and mom was happy because she got a visit with her daughter.  This went on for some years. H told me later that he always thought "he" was the problem - that there was something wrong with him because he couldn't stand sitting and listening to my mom driving the conversation about herself.

When it changed big time, is when mom started aging and couldn't look after herself because the decisions she made about her own care started harming her.  What she wanted was to move in with us.

Full stop.  I knew enough to know that wasn't going to work, and communicated it to my H, who once was frustrated enough with my mom to tell her point blank (she nagged about it all the time) that wasn't going to happen because her and I were "oil and water".  Well.  That didn't go over well. Drama ensued. Nevertheless, we were aligned. Thankfully, he communicated the needed message to her as I couldn't.  I was afraid.   As her aging continued, the problems and behaviors mounted, and infiltrated our life on a daily basis.  That is when my eyes opened up fully. It's been exhausting.  It's changed us.  It's changed our family and our kids.  I've been on this forum about 5 years.  I try not to beat myself up for not fully seeing my mom for who she is sooner, because she's pretty terrible.  And she treated me badly. And I always just tried to do better and please her.  And yes, yes manipulated our kids.  It has been the worst for the one she designated as the golden child - she groomed him to be her emotional caretaker and he still has a soft spot and feels the emotional tug of her, even though he is an analytical person in an analytical profession.  Thank goodness he lives 6 hours away.  He comes home often and stays with us and holidays with us, and we would love to have him live here permanently.  But truly, I am thankful he lives far enough away that she can't try to wedge him against us.  They do that.  I don't believe he would fall for it now, but it's better that he just doesn't have to deal with the drama.

The important point for you in my story, is that my husband communicating that he couldn't sit at the dining room table any longer planted a seed in my brain and sat there slowly germinating over time.  It grew suddenly when my mom started saying and doing some really mean and destructive things to me.  That's when I found this forum.  So keep doing what you're doing.  It might or might not be important that my H never tried to "convince" me of my mom's disorder or narcissism or manipulations. He just shared what he was experiencing and how it affected him.  That bothered me cs. I know what a gem he is.  Eventually I came around and saw what he was seeing.

Personally I don't know how well it would have landed with me if I was in your position, and my H had "laid down the law and said she couldn't stay longer just because the baby arrived".  I may have pushed back against that, or not, I don't know.  I'm more of an egalitarian type.

For me, it was better to come to a consensus if possible.  The fact that MIL is wanting to stay longer is "just the opening act".  This is typical BPD behavior.  They start with "just a little".  Something that's hard to say no to.  And then they open the door a little more, and start asking for more.  i.e. next time she will ask for an extra week or two.  Depending on her or your wife's personality, she could eventually ask to stay for 2 or 3 months "to really get to know the baby".  I can see it all, now that I have lived through what I've lived through with my mom (hindsight).

I feel like a bully is hurting my wife and I can't really do much to stop it. The abuse happens in their conversations or if I step out, never in front of me (one time it did and I stepped in, hasn't happened since).

THIS!  THIS!  OMG. We were married over 30 years before my H witnessed my mother's abusive behavior with me.  She ALWAYS caught me alone...even if it meant going downstairs to where I was getting something from the basement while my H was upstairs. My H thought she was quirky, funny, but he never witnessed the abuse.  And really, if someone never witnesses abuse after knowing them for 30 years, it probably doesn't exist right?  So I always got the feeling that he never quite  believed me, or thought I was augmenting my stories, or just plain complaining.  I never felt truly understood. It's not that he didn't believe me, but I never had the feeling he "got it".

Until.  Things started to blow up in my mom's aging process.  I just couldn't be her caretaker any more because "too much time together" just gave her more opportunity to express her meanness and dysfunctional behavior to me.  She started falling.  I would try to care for her (she was in a wheelchair for 3 months).  The abuse got so bad I got home care involved.  And I came out of retirement and went back to work to avoid her.  It's been downhill from there. My H (the gem that he is) took over grocery shopping for her and taking her to appointments.  Well.  Let's just say that opened his eyes up to my experience. Fully. He has now seen the worst of her too. It's easier for him to have boundaries with her.  Thank goodness.  One of his strategies is to "play stupid" with her.  And he has no problem holding boundaries and saying things I am afraid to.

With your mom, the cynical part of me thinks that what she really wants is to go back to her friends and brag about how close she got to her grand baby. If she stays a short time, from her point of view, that's not a good look with her friends back home.  One of them might say, "that was a short visit with your grandchild!"  Maybe this speculation isn't fair, but for BPD's it's all about the optics.  She only cares about what is good for her.  She doesn't care a wit about the extra work and energy her visit would mean for you. 

As to how to prevent the anticipatory dread of her arrival, how long is she staying?  What is that boundary?  Zachira's idea of inviting others to the house while she is there is a really good answer.  They always behave better when there are other people around.  If your wife is on side with you, about keeping the same boundary for spending time in your space, I would fully support holding that boundary.

Boundaries are so important with a BPD person.  They are boundary busters.  It's like a game for them.  And they're smart, and very good at manipulating their daughters.

[CC43]

Hi Happy,

Boy I relate to the feeling of dread.  The disordered person punctures the bubble of your home, which is supposed to be a calm retreat.  The effects of their presence reverberate, before, during and long after the visit.

Look, even in healthy families, the holidays are stressful.  Having a guest in your home, even a well-mannered guest, is typically disruptive.  At a minimum, you feel you have to get the guest room ready, clean up and make sure you have enough food.  You also have to carve out time to be a gracious host.  You probably remain "on call" all day and can't relax, while magically getting your professional work done with nobody noticing or being inconvenienced.  Doing all that can be a strain, even in ideal circumstances.  One or two days can be doable, but more than that seems demanding.

Your situation is even more complicated.  You have a new baby.  Hosting an unwanted house guest during the holidays, with all the shopping, parties, stress and a new baby sounds like a tinder box to me.  A house guest with BPD during the holidays is surely explosive.  I've observed that people with BPD find the holidays very triggering, as there are many social interactions, and it can be hard for them to see other people happy, when they are not.

I'd suggest that you keep the visit to a minimum, with the excuse that you have a new baby, and everyone is already really tired out.  You might offer to put up your MIL in a hotel, because the baby cries a lot and will disturb guests.  If she wants to lend a hand, maybe you suggest ways she can help, but only during the daytime and/or outside of the household.  Could she run errands for you?  Maybe you go to a restaurant or bakery with her, as a public place could serve as a "buffer"?  Maybe you do an activity outside the home, like window shopping or Christmas tree light viewing?

I agree with the other poster that boundaries are very important.  In my experience with a loved one with BPD, if you give in a little, that easily becomes the "baseline" of her already high expectations of you and perpetuates her neediness.  So let's say you "give in" and agree to pick her up and drop her off at the airport.  That becomes the new baseline expectation, and if next year you suggest an alternative (such as taking a taxi, the express train or renting a car), she feels slighted/rejected/unwanted/disrespected and has a meltdown in protest.  It doesn't matter whether her expectations seem unreasonable, or if you have conflicts, or if your car broke down, or if you're on a business trip and can't pick her up.  She will have a meltdown when her expectations aren't met.  So I guess my point is, try not to feed her expectations too much from the outset, lest you set the bar too high.  It may be hard though, if your wife is dreaming of a Hallmark holiday with a new grandma.

Anyway, it sounds like it's not feasible to go No-Contact with grandma, and that some level of visitation is in the future.  I've shared the same sense of dread as you.  How does one deal with that?  I guess I start by recognizing the feeling of dread.  And then I brace myself for the visit, and I basically count the days.  I've gotten through them before, and I'll get through them again.  I try to plan out some structured activities, so that I "optimize" the mix of individuals and how energy is spent.  If there's something to do, that seems better than having oodles of unstructured time, in my experience.  I find that "energy management" is a useful tool--people, like puppies, can have excess energy that needs to be burned off, before emotions run too high and behavior turns ornery.  There's no guarantee that people will do what I suggest, but I try to sound enthusiastic:  Let's go ice skating!  Let's see that new movie!  Today's a beautiful day, let's go downtown and see the sights!  Honey, why don't you and your daughter go get her car inspected!  Why don't you walk to the public library, pick out a DVD and we'll watch it together!  I'm going for a stroll to get an ice cream, who wants to come?  Etc.  I also plan some self-soothing activities for myself, if my nerves start to get frazzled.  I go on walks, and sometimes I run to the store to get something we need, mainly to get out of the house.  Sometimes I start a mindless activity, like folding laundry or ironing while listening to a podcast, which has the added benefit of being productive.  Sometimes I do a little stretching/yoga or take a quick bath.  If I have trouble sleeping (house guests can be noisy!), I'll use the white noise setting on my phone.  Surely you have some coping techniques that work for you?  Maybe if you plan them out, it could help.  You might think in terms of different activities you could do for 5, 15, 60 or 180 minutes, if you need a quick, brief, big or major break.

[Notwendy]

I think it's great that you are supportive of your wife. I will offer you one warning though. Read up on Karpman triangle dynamics. These are prevalent in my family of origin with my BPD mother.

You grew up in what is more of a conventional "normal" family, so you can see the dysfunction in your wife's family. However, for those of us who grew up in a family with dysfunction, we don't have a clear example of "normal". Even if we aren't disordered ourselves, the family we grew up in is our experience. We may see that other families are different but still, ours is the one we have.

In my family- if we had boundaries with BPD mother, we'd risk her being angry at us. My father's role in relation to my mother was as her rescuer. If she was upset with us, he'd align with her and be angry at us too.

Like you, I wanted boundaries with my own children and BPD mother, and also boundaries with her myself. What I didn't realize was that the cost of having boundaries was the relationship with the family members who aligned with her. My BPD mother sees people as being "on her side" or "not her side".

It's a fine line in terms of holding your boundaries in these situations. I agree that a main role is protecting your children. That is mine as well. However, the emotional cost of my family's reaction was difficult too.  One idea is marital counseling- not because your marriage is in any trouble but to learn how to best communicate your concerns and for support of your wife in navigating her family dynamics.