Accountability

[Abo]

How much control does my daughter have over her bad choices . She means to understand what she needs to change but then does the exact opposite . My husband thinks he is acting like a brat, I don’t think she can act differently on her own without help. I don’t want to make excuses for her behavior though.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[KBug]

Abo,

BPD is really difficult for the person who has it as well as the people who love them. I don't know your daughter or your situation, so take what's useful and leave the rest.

From the best of my understanding from what I've read and experienced with my step daughter (24 years old), I think that there's some truth in what you are your husband think. We can always make different choices but sometimes disfunctional thinking, lack of life and emotional skills, relationship dynamics, anxiety, depression, etc., make some choices easier than others. Treating the underlying mental health issues through therapy and/or medication can equip a person with BPD with better mental health and skills to make better choices.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is a type of therapy that helps people manage intense emotions and build healthier relationships. It helps people accept that they have some emotional challenges and that they can do some things to help themselves get better. It teaches skills like mindfulness, emotional regulation, distress tolerance, and effective communication. For someone with BPD, DBT can provide tools to better handle their emotions, control their behavior, and make better life choices. People with BPD often need help to get better and make better decisions. If your daughter has BPD and she's not in treatment, the best thing you can do for her is to support her in getting treatment. If she's not willing to, you can't make her, though. However, you may have some influence. Our daughter lives with us and knows that we won't let her live here if she's not taking her meds and attending therapy.

I don't know if this is what you're getting at in your post, but you can't be the one to help her. She needs professionals, and it would help if you would talk to a therapist, too, if you are not already. Trust me, it won't likely work out well if you are her main support. Early on when my daughter was coming to me in emotional agony almost daily, I wanted to help her. When I couldn't help her to feel better, she became angry at me, made ugly accusations, engaged in destructive behaviors, etc. When talking with me didn't make her feel better, she essentially placed her emotional agony on me.

Now I have learned to say things like, "Wow, that sounds really painful. What do you think you could do to...?" When she comes back at me with helplessness, I suggest that unless she makes changes, then nothing is going to change and that she should probably work with her therapist to figure out something that might work for her. Otherwise, if I make suggestions (even if she asks me to), she gets mad because she feels helpless and thinks nothing will work. It's also hard not to save her from the painful consequences of bad decisions. However, she will keep making bad decisions if I don't bite my tongue and sit on my hands to keep from helping/saving her. She needs to experience the negative consequences of bad decisions. All of this is still hard for me and it's a work in progress.