My daughter has had trouble since childhood. I am sad and scared and need help.

[Heartbreak]

I am realizing that my adult daughter has Borderline Personality Disorder. Her dad and I adopted her at 4months from a South American country. We loved and enjoyed her SO much. She was friendly and active and outgoing and loved people As she got older she has brought drama, raging and manipulation into our lives.
All the things. We gave up supporting her financially and she finally agreed to come home and get some help and support.
She had moved around a lot, drank too much, married and divorced. Got in some trouble for domestic violence, constantly lost important items, constantly needed rescuing.
She has been living with me for 6 months. She has seen a therapist on and off since being here. She has made progress and she thinks she is done with needing support.
I ve encouraged her to continue with treatment and recently have been more insistent that she MUST be in treatment to live with me and share my car.
I am seeing a therapist as well. And have a good support system.
But I am so discouraged and sad and angry. She had been seeing a wonderful man and just behaved so intensely that he told her she wasn’t ready to be committed.  Telling everyone she broke off the relationship and is mad at him. He and his  daughter will miss the wonderful person she was in their lives and I am just horrified that she has caused that kind of pain after 5 months of them being together.
Will she always be alone? Will she ever get better?
I am so, so frustrated with her. And so sad my wonderful daughter is so mentally immature.
How do I live like this?
How do I bear this pain??

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Heartbreak
Welcome and thank you for posting. I think the questions you ask are the ones we carry in our hearts for our loved BPD children:

Will she always be alone? Will she ever get better?
I am so, so frustrated with her. And so sad my wonderful daughter is so mentally immature.
How do I live like this?
How do I bear this pain??

At the moment life is so chaotic here – your questions really hit home!

You don’t say how old your DD is? I was told many years ago – and this is confirmed in the literature I have read – that for many BPD sufferers the intensity of the emotional rollercoaster ride lessens in the 4th decade ie in their 30s. I have seen this happen myself so I do know from my personal experience.

In the case of my DD there has been some lessening – but not as significant as it has been for others.

There are a lot of positive notes in your post:
DD is having some therapy
You feel that it is making a difference
You have told her she must continue as a condition of staying and sharing your car

People with BPD find it almost impossible to accept blame – I think because their ‘self’ is too vulnerable. So it is not surprising that DD blames the man she was seeing for the breakup. In fact I would expect that this would be the case. It is more than immaturity I think – a deeper fault line in the development of the personality that shows up when there is a challenge such as someone leaving the relationship.

If you are able to browse the information here and read others’ posts you will find it really helpful. I don’t have the answers to your questions, but you will know you are not alone in your journey with BPD by coming here. The information and skills will also be a great help.

Just one other question – are you the ‘target of blame’ when your DD rages?