Challenge my Thinking Please

[CZYSISTER]

My sister has a personality disorder. However, she rejects the idea that her behavior is inappropriate. She is able to justify anything she does because someone else has hurt her. This has been the case her entire life. Now, she is going through a divorce. She insists that her soon to be ex-husband is on drugs, although he has passed drug tests, that he is abusive, although she is the one who has been arrested multiple times for assault, ended up in the ER with a boxer's fracture in her hand, and was just yesterday arrested for violating the protective order her husband has on her. In spite of all this she still insists that she is the victim and he is the perpetrator.

Despite all of these issues, her two sons 8 and 7 are still living with her in their house (he cannot stay there due to a court order that they cannot sleep in the same home). The house has rotting food out in the kitchen, living room, and in the bathrooms. She cannot clean the house, and while I don't have evidence of this, I doubt that she is meeting my nephews needs.

I don't believe my nephews are necessarily in physical danger, but in the short term they are dealing with a very unstable woman, and in the long run, I think she will harm them psychologically because they will be the only human connections she has left, and she emotionally abuses those who are closest to her. Therefore, I think it's best if their father gets full custody. To this end, I think it's best if her husband, with the support of everyone involved, antagonizes her with the law. I don't mean harm her physically or do anything illegal. I mean he should exert his rights at every turn because she doesn't believe that he has any. She believes he's on drugs and that she can keep her sons from their father, lock him out of the house, remove him from bank accounts, etc., and that there will be no consequences for her. I think he and everyone else should disabuse her of this, by asserting their rights, drive her crazy, and lead her to be arrested, again, and again, and again. Every time we have even disagreed with her, she has escalated her behavior until the cops have been called.

She behaves like an addict, and until she reaches bottom, she can't and won't reflect on her own behavior. I want to help her reach bottom, so she can get the help she needs, and so that my nephews are with their father where they will be much safter. What am I missing in this plan? Why is this not a good idea?

[CC43]

Hi there,

My sister is also going through a nasty divorce with her uNPD husband. He has multiple issues, including alcoholism, and he neglects his children’s needs. His home is a mess, has pests, and lacks food. The kids regularly go hungry, because he doesn’t think they need three meals a day. He’ll only buy take-out food which one of his daughters refuses to eat. She’s a picky eater but would be fine with any conventional kid food—cereal and milk, a sandwich, chicken, rice, pasta, etc.—but he won’t adjust. His home has been unsafe, with weapons lying around. Long story short, the courts are reluctant to infringe on parental rights. They do have him use a breathalyzer, which he battles at every turn. At first the courts required supervised visits, but after he took some parenting classes, the supervision requirement was dropped. The courts did recently cut back on his parenting time (because of his ongoing deficiencies), but he still has some overnights with his kids. (The overnights are hardest because he lets the kids stay up all night with devices, and they go hungry).  He has called his children all sorts of horrible names, but that seems not to matter in court. He even threatened to kill his daughter because he was annoyed by her, and it doesn’t matter, even though he has a history of domestic violence. The moral of the story is that there is a very high bar for courts to revoke custody. Even criminals get to see their children. And if a parent uses the kids as a bargaining chip in the divorce proceedings, things can get nasty.

Having said all that, I’m wondering if the husband has partial custody?  Maybe he could argue for custody a majority of the time?  That might give the kids much-needed stability, a refuge from the unstable and belligerent mom. And are you close by?  Could you offer to look after the kids sometimes, to give your sister a break?  If you make the visit about her needs, she might be more amenable. You might be a lifeline to the kids, as well as a beacon of « normal. »

[SinisterComplex]

My sister has a personality disorder. However, she rejects the idea that her behavior is inappropriate. She is able to justify anything she does because someone else has hurt her. This has been the case her entire life. Now, she is going through a divorce. She insists that her soon to be ex-husband is on drugs, although he has passed drug tests, that he is abusive, although she is the one who has been arrested multiple times for assault, ended up in the ER with a boxer's fracture in her hand, and was just yesterday arrested for violating the protective order her husband has on her. In spite of all this she still insists that she is the victim and he is the perpetrator.

Despite all of these issues, her two sons 8 and 7 are still living with her in their house (he cannot stay there due to a court order that they cannot sleep in the same home). The house has rotting food out in the kitchen, living room, and in the bathrooms. She cannot clean the house, and while I don't have evidence of this, I doubt that she is meeting my nephews needs.

I don't believe my nephews are necessarily in physical danger, but in the short term they are dealing with a very unstable woman, and in the long run, I think she will harm them psychologically because they will be the only human connections she has left, and she emotionally abuses those who are closest to her. Therefore, I think it's best if their father gets full custody. To this end, I think it's best if her husband, with the support of everyone involved, antagonizes her with the law. I don't mean harm her physically or do anything illegal. I mean he should exert his rights at every turn because she doesn't believe that he has any. She believes he's on drugs and that she can keep her sons from their father, lock him out of the house, remove him from bank accounts, etc., and that there will be no consequences for her. I think he and everyone else should disabuse her of this, by asserting their rights, drive her crazy, and lead her to be arrested, again, and again, and again. Every time we have even disagreed with her, she has escalated her behavior until the cops have been called.

She behaves like an addict, and until she reaches bottom, she can't and won't reflect on her own behavior. I want to help her reach bottom, so she can get the help she needs, and so that my nephews are with their father where they will be much safter. What am I missing in this plan? Why is this not a good idea?

Hello and welcome to the fam. 

So, okay I am pretty sure you want better back and forth responses. However, I do have to bring to light that your title can be off-putting by itself. The title of asking someone to challenge your thinking intrinsically gives off the vibe of creating conflict. I may be guessing here, but I am pretty sure you would prefer support and not conflict correct?

For better responses I would argue to actually use your question of what am I missing? It sends the message to viewers and members that you are looking for help and support. It is a more open-ended approach.

Beyond that, can you provide us more to your story if you are willing to share?

Please be kind to you and don't forget to take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-