Father son conflict tearing us apart

[Parents! Get help here!]

My husband and I have 2 adult kids in their mid-30s: a well adjusted daughter, and a son with BPD (S). My husband (H) doesn’t acknowledge the BPD diagnosis, partly I suspect due to shame and denial, but also because out son is a chronic dope smoker, and H thinks that the BPD can’t be assessed until he is off cannabis. Consequently, H knows nothing about BPD – he hasn’t read up on it, hasn’t accessed any website forums, hasn’t read suggested books and doesn’t talk to professionals about it. This is a major source of resentment for me. Shouldn’t H at least take the trouble to read up on the mental health issue that is tearing our family apart? When H was asked today what he thought was the cause of S’s recent meltdown he replied, ‘it’s because he’s an addict.’ They have a terrible, hostile, mutually contemptuous relationship.

I’ve managed to maintain an almost continuous relationship with our son by using turbocharged communication and validation skills, along with solid efforts to generate compassion, loving detachment… you know the drill. Observers say, ‘oh but you’re a mother and mothers always love their children unconditionally’. If only they knew, it’s not unconditional love it’s just bloody hard work.

The downside is that I skate too close to enmeshment and enabling/ excusing behaviour. I cop a lot of flak for it, and I know the criticism is justified at times. It’s so hard to get it right.

We are currently going through our most challenging time. It has brought our marriage to the brink. I was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease a few years ago and I made a dumb decision. I took my insurance money and invested 50/50 in a property with my son. Acreage with a beautiful creek frontage. We’ve had some fun times there and it’s also been stressful. H was not happy but it’s hard to go against someone recently diagnosed with a devastating condition.
Fast forward to our recent crisis. I was hospitalised. H & S erupted in conflict over who gets to say what’s best for me. S rang family members and accused H of coercive control. H was devastated and enraged.

The upshot is that H is demanding that we sell the property. If we don’t sell, H would leave me. I spoke to my sister in law today and she agreed that H would likely leave me if I don’t respect his wishes. She said ‘if you do nothing you will probably lose both of them’. Our marriage counsellor agrees I should sell it. The reasoning seems to be that I shouldn’t reward bad behaviour by letting him keep the property. Also that I need to disentangle myself from S. We don’t need the money, and in fact S is financially independent after he sold his successful business. (However, he is unable to get a mortgage due to a poor employment history). If we sell it, S would end up with a large sum of money that would aggravate his drug problem and discourage him from working.

I haven’t seen S since the blow up about 3 months ago, and I’m not game to go against H by seeing him. I’ve heard that S is not doing very well, as you would expect.
What a mess. Anyone out there have a magic wand?

[Trixiecarol]

My husband and I have 2 adult kids in their mid-30s: a well adjusted daughter, and a son with BPD (S). My husband (H) doesn’t acknowledge the BPD diagnosis, partly I suspect due to shame and denial, but also because out son is a chronic dope smoker, and H thinks that the BPD can’t be assessed until he is off cannabis. Consequently, H knows nothing about BPD – he hasn’t read up on it, hasn’t accessed any website forums, hasn’t read suggested books and doesn’t talk to professionals about it. This is a major source of resentment for me. Shouldn’t H at least take the trouble to read up on the mental health issue that is tearing our family apart? When H was asked today what he thought was the cause of S’s recent meltdown he replied, ‘it’s because he’s an addict.’ They have a terrible, hostile, mutually contemptuous relationship.

I’ve managed to maintain an almost continuous relationship with our son by using turbocharged communication and validation skills, along with solid efforts to generate compassion, loving detachment… you know the drill. Observers say, ‘oh but you’re a mother and mothers always love their children unconditionally’. If only they knew, it’s not unconditional love it’s just bloody hard work.

The downside is that I skate too close to enmeshment and enabling/ excusing behaviour. I cop a lot of flak for it, and I know the criticism is justified at times. It’s so hard to get it right.

We are currently going through our most challenging time. It has brought our marriage to the brink. I was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease a few years ago and I made a dumb decision. I took my insurance money and invested 50/50 in a property with my son. Acreage with a beautiful creek frontage. We’ve had some fun times there and it’s also been stressful. H was not happy but it’s hard to go against someone recently diagnosed with a devastating condition.
Fast forward to our recent crisis. I was hospitalised. H & S erupted in conflict over who gets to say what’s best for me. S rang family members and accused H of coercive control. H was devastated and enraged.

The upshot is that H is demanding that we sell the property. If we don’t sell, H would leave me. I spoke to my sister in law today and she agreed that H would likely leave me if I don’t respect his wishes. She said ‘if you do nothing you will probably lose both of them’. Our marriage counsellor agrees I should sell it. The reasoning seems to be that I shouldn’t reward bad behaviour by letting him keep the property. Also that I need to disentangle myself from S. We don’t need the money, and in fact S is financially independent after he sold his successful business. (However, he is unable to get a mortgage due to a poor employment history). If we sell it, S would end up with a large sum of money that would aggravate his drug problem and discourage him from working.

I haven’t seen S since the blow up about 3 months ago, and I’m not game to go against H by seeing him. I’ve heard that S is not doing very well, as you would expect.
What a mess. Anyone out there have a magic wand?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Trixiecarol
You are so right when you say:

oh but you’re a mother and mothers always love their children unconditionally’. If only they knew, it’s not unconditional love it’s just bloody hard work.

You seem to be coping with this truly difficult situation on your own, so go easy on yourself when you cop ‘advice’ from others. BPD is such a complex condition and so few people who do not have to travel the BPD journey understand the complexity.

You will notice many parents here comment on their child’s marijuana use. My DD is addicted to marijuana – because it is one thing that does relieve her BPD symptoms. I think it is generally understood that people are ‘self-medicating’ with dope rather than just being a ‘dope addict’.

DH’s attitude, in my opinion, is unacceptable – not only because it is refusing to take seriously your son’s diagnosed condition, but also because it devalues you. You have taken it seriously, done your homework, done what you can to keep contact support your son throughout a chaotic journey. You have not had any support from DH along the way.

I actually think your decision to buy the property with your son was an excellent decision. You say DS is financially independent which is great, so to be honest I can’t see why DH is suddenly demanding you sell what is YOUR interest in a property secured with YOUR money.

I am thinking about coercive control.

 . . . H is demanding that we sell the property. If we don’t sell, H would leave me (Is this coercive control?)

 . . . I haven’t seen S since the blow up about 3 months ago, and I’m not game to go against H by seeing him (Is this coercive control?)

In my mind there sure is coercive control. This was your money to do what you wanted with. DH’s position is more to do with punishing your son for not being who he wanted him to be.

I am not sure how your health is atm. The following questions are going through my mind:

Is there a reason why this has to be resolved quickly?
If you asserted your right not to sell the property and DH left, how would you cope with that consequence? Have you thought about that very much? It seems you are tending more towards complying with DH eg by not seeing your son.

My DD has diagnosed BPD and I have given much thought to the future and her security. She is also marijuana dependent. I have drafted my will to leave DD a life interest in a small unit that I own. This means she will always have a roof over her head, she will not be subjected to the influence of others to sell the property (and the money would go up in smoke as you know), and she will be secure.

Have you given any thought to this kind of arrangement? Can I ask if you are tenants in common in equal shares with your son or do you hold the property as joint tenants?

If you are tenants in common you can simply leave a life interest in the property to your son, and the remainder to someone else eg when he dies your interest can go to your daughter’s children or whoever you would like it to go to?

Please be kind to yourself and know that you have done an amazing job in the journey with your DPB son. We know what that journey is like. You have a heavy load to carry with Parkinson’s and concern for your son. You need to do what you know in your heart is the right thing to do.

[Trixiecarol]

Sancho, thank you so much for taking the trouble to think about my situation. I've been thinking about your comments a lot.

You're right in saying that there is no urgent reason to resolve this situation, I need to take time to work through the issues. My son and I are tenants in common. I hadn't thought about the possibility of leaving a life interest. I'll seek legal advice.

Your opinion about coercive control is very challenging to hear. H is highly traumatised from a lifetime of dealing with abuse from S. His trauma is aggravated by lack of knowledge and understanding of BPD, which leaves him in a world of confusion, pain and fear. I think H is expressing that he has come to the end of his rope and can't stand dealing with it any more. When I spend time with S and my affairs are bound up with his, it triggers H.

I feel for both of them, and I feel for me too! The only option I can think of is to seek counselling from someone experienced in managing BPD. I won't be abandoning either of them, and if H ends our relationship, so be it.

Good luck surviving the holiday season!

[Sancho]

Hi TrixieCarol
Really like these sentences you wrote:

I feel for both of them, and I feel for me too! The only option I can think of is to seek counselling from someone experienced in managing BPD. I won't be abandoning either of them, and if H ends our relationship, so be it.


Reading them I can feel how strong you are - and that's really something I need to develop in myself!

Hope this time of year passes without too much drama for you too!