CC43
 Online
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 436
|
 |
« Reply #2 on: January 05, 2025, 11:43:59 AM » |
|
Hi there Jim,
It sounds to me like you're about where my family was around six years ago. My stepdaughter was diagnosed with BPD when she was a young adult. Like your beautiful daughter, she had a series of mini setbacks which snowballed and became bigger ones. She also shows remarkable empathy at times, but in a flash she became a seething cauldron of misplaced anger and despair. She acted very entitled and needy, too. Like your daughter, she often talked of suicide and had multiple attempts. As she got older, she weaponized suicide to get what she wanted, or get out of something she did not want to do. That was a very dangerous game to play. I called it her "nuclear" phase. I was living with an emotional terrorist! Sound familiar?
The good news is, once my stepdaughter started taking therapy seriously, she got back on track. Though she's still a bit behind emotionally and socially, she has made a ton of progress, and to the outside world, people might not even realize she has had serious emotional struggles. She's living independently now with parental support, and that's a major turnaround.
Like you, my husband has a short fuse. It was no surprise that encounters with his daughter would often result in a shouting match. However, neither of you is able to resolve any complex issues by shouting. I think you would be better off if you could try to refrain from shouting--that only feeds her fire. I know it's hard, because she really pushes your buttons. That's the perfect time to practice your coping mechanisms. One is called grey rocking. Rather than get riled up, try to be as still, quiet and boring as a grey rock. I have used this technique many times with good results. Another technique is to get some separation, just say, "Gotta go now," or something along those lines. You could take a walk to get back to a calm state. Sometimes I'll do a mindless physical activity, like unloading the dishwasher, wiping down counters or folding laundry--I might stay in the same room, but somehow the activity takes the temperature down a notch, and I get a bonus of completing some chores. Just try not to do the chore with passive-aggressiveness--slow down and try to remain calm. Make it look like you're just getting on with your business as usual.
Anyway, my top few tips for you include:
*Do not subsidize spending on illicit drugs or alcohol, as I've observed that illicit substances make BPD behaviors much worse. My stepdaughter self-medicated with marijuana, which sapped her motivation to do anything and fed her delusions and paranoia, leading to highly dysfunctional behaviors. You can't control what your daughter does outside your home, but you could prohibit these substances in your home. If she wants to purchase drugs and alcohol, you can't prevent her, but she would have to earn the money to do that. At least working a job, any job, is an important adult milestone. So if you do support her financially, I'd recommend paying for things like rent, insurance and food directly.
*If she makes a credible suicide threat or actual attempt, then you call 911 and get her to a hospital. Playing with one's life is no joke. If she gets to a hospital, there's a chance she might get the help she really needs. Eventually she might learn that a suicide threat lands her in the hospital, and if she wants to stay out of the hospital, she can't continue to weaponize suicide.
*Treat her meltdowns like an "adult tantrum." Do you know what works best for an adult tantrum? An adult time out. She needs time and space to cool down. Let her decide how much time that is. In other words, don't run after her. If you show up at her place without an invitation, not only are you intruding, you're interrupting her time out. If you text her a bunch of times to "beg" her forgiveness or to come back, I think you're only adding fuel to the fire. I bet that since she's only 20, she still needs you desperately, and she will be back soon enough. Give her the time and space to do that.
*Be sure to take care of yourself and to live your life. For a few years, my husband and I could hardly go on vacations because we felt we had to "babysit," and my stepdaughter would always seem to have a crisis that would make us rush home early to "rescue" her. I think that adversely affected our lives, and also inadvertently fed my stepdaughter's dysfunction. I resented her (and my husband) for that. My point is, if you allow her to "terrorize" you and prevent you from living your life, it's almost a guarantee that she'll do it--to control you, to punish you, to ensure she remains the center of your universe at all times. You deserve a life too you know. She's an adult now, she shouldn't need you to babysit her all the time. I'm not saying you should completely ignore her, or to abandon her, but you should be able to live your life. In fact, I think you should model what a healthy adult's life looks like, and that includes enjoying yourself, as well as erecting some healthy boundaries. One might be, I don't pick up calls or respond to texts at nighttime. If there's a real emergency, she can call 911 herself. I will handle calls or texts once I wake up in the morning.
Now you might say, CC43, I'm worried sick about her, and I'm stuck in a FOG, wracked with Fear, Obligation and Guilt. I know you are. But the FOG is distorting your thinking and making you hyper-reactive. I think your daughter needs to see you as a calm and supportive ally, rather than riding the rollercoaster alongside her. In a bizarre way, she might like to ride the rollercoaster, but you are way too old for that, as it rattles your bones.
Look, I won't lie to you, my stepdaughter had to hit bottom before she took therapy seriously. It may be that your daughter is really working at therapy, and that would be great. It's a long road though. My stepdaughter at first just "went along with" therapy, and she'd skip sessions because she didn't feel like it. Her priorities were elsewhere--she wanted to do what she wanted to do, and my husband didn't have the heart to tell her, "No," lest she attempt suicide. He basically gave her everything she asked for, in the name of keeping her alive, and her neediness only grew and grew. She was a bottomless pit of entitlement and rage. So when I read that your daughter was demanding a wire from you at 6 am, and then exploding in anger when you didn't meet her demands without question, I suspect that your daughter might be in a similar place. Now, the good news is that you didn't wire her the money, because that would teach her that you have no financial boundaries. But her rage was not an appropriate response. I think you should have let her calm down first and let her try find her own solution to the financial problem. Maybe she'd calm down and call you again in a few days and try again. If she flips out, then you wait again. But if she's calm enough to have a conversation, maybe you could find out what the money is for. If it were for something important like rent, maybe you say you could help her out, but only for half, and if your daughter gave you her half, you would pay the landlord next month. My point is, she needs to learn that tantrums don't get her what she wants, adults have to work for what they want, and to treat you with kindness and respect.
I wish you some peace.
|
