BPD?

[Luluseahorse]

This excruciatingly painful relationship with my daughter has been going on for years. We are not even sure if she has personality disorder because she would not go to a doctor. Our relationship is one of pain, blaming, accusation and meanness. My part in this is that she says such excruciatingly painful things to me that I latch out and just make matters worse. She has ripped my heart and soul to shreds with her venomous comments. I have come to understand that she is in pain but I cannot find anyway to reach her. I can never finish what I'm saying, she interrupts, she's condescending and blaming. Right now, the relationship has ended.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BPDstinks]

Hi!  I am afraid I do not have any word of wisdom, other than to say (it takes a herculean effort NOT to lash out) that I am sorry you are going through this...my 25 y/o daughter (pwBPD) has cut ties with me, her father, sister & her beautiful nieces; I spent the first year, asking WHY??? this is the second year...I still wonder why, however, I, personally, am focusing on ways TO have ANY kind of relationship with her (hard when pwBPD does not want to) the ONLY thing I can say is to take care of yourself, as it is a LONG hard road...please feel free to reach out, if you like (oh, yes...pwBPD say mean, vindictive, accusatory things...it is hard to stomach, again, I am sorry)

[Luluseahorse]

Thank you for your response. It means so very much to me. I am now 80 years old and my daughter is 52 and this has been going on most of my life. We had an incident over Christmas and now she vows to be out of my life forever. I have certain illnesses and I feel that I may die before I see her again and this will never be resolved. It has taken my soul and my life. Just having the safest support has been helpful. God bless and hope all of you who are going through similar pain.

[CC43]

Hi there,

Even if your daughter isn't diagnosed with BPD, there are many parents on this site who can relate to how you are feeling!  May I ask, how old is your daughter, and is she living with you?  I'm asking because many of the BPD behaviors can look like teen moodiness/impulsivity/tantrums, but if your daughter is older, that behavior starts to look childish, and it can also mean that you're at the end of your rope, because she never seemed to grow up!  In fact, her behavior seems to get worse--does that ring true in your case?  With an older daughter, she not only takes advantage of adult freedoms, but she has adult-sized spending habits and adult-sized problems, which can bring a whole new level of dysfunction, like prolonged unemployment, substance abuse and hanging with the wrong crowd.  She's bumping up against adult-sized situations and responsibilities, but she doesn't have the emotional skills to handle them yet, and so she feels incredibly frustrated, broken and inferior.  She might be completely dependent on you, and yet at the same time, resent you for that.  Since it's too painful to accept disappointments and her own shortcomings, she copes by adopting a victim narrative.  Thus YOU are the cause of all her problems.  Does she claim she had a terrible childhood, which is the reason for all her current failures?  That sounds very much like distorted BPD thinking.  Does that ring true for you?

Does your daughter say you're psycho, narcissistic, useless, mean, condescending, the worst parent on the planet and that the world would be better off without you?  My observation is that those accusations are typically projections of your daughter's thoughts and fears about herself, unleashed squarely onto you.  If you see that her accusations are projections, then maybe you will realize that you are not to blame, and not take her words so personally.  I know, it's hard--you're her mom after all.  And you didn't raise her to say such horrible things.  But if she has BPD, her emotions override her logical thoughts, and she just can't help herself, until she gets some specialized therapy.  I'd advise to listen to the feelings behind her words, rather than the facts, which are likely highly distorted.  If you do that, you might discover that your daughter feels lost, hopeless, frightened, childlike, lonely or helpless.  My opinion is that if she's talking about childhood events all the time, she's really fearful of the future and prefers to regress to the distant, familiar past to cope (and blame you of course).

In the meantime, I hope you take care of yourself.  Your daughter is an adult now, she is responsible for her feelings, not you.  In fact, her "normal" emotional state probably looks like a rollercoaster--she might actually need the excitement of sudden highs and lows.  My advice is, try not to get on that rollercoaster alongside her.  If you "engage" with her, and try to Justify, Argue, Defend and Explain yourself (i.e. JADE in shorthand on this site), you are getting on the rollercoaster, feeding her ire.  I find that when she's having an adult tantrum, the best thing is to give her an adult time out.  Give her time and space to cool off.  You might say, "Gotta go do the dishes" and exit the situation.  Or you might become as still and boring as a grey rock.  If she pounces on you, asking, "Why don't you answer me!" you could calmly respond, "There's nothing I can say that will help," and she'll probably have to agree with you on that one.  If you don't "fight" with her, it's more likely that she'll lose steam on her own.  Or she might give up and exit the situation herself, which isn't a bad thing, as she learns to calm herself down.  Don't run after her, and don't beg her to come back.  Let her have the time she needs to get off the rollercoaster.  My opinion is that it's not your job to check in on her anymore, because she's an adult!  By "checking in" all the time, you might be sending the subliminal message that she's not capable.  Am I on the right track here?

[js friend]

Hi Luluseahorse,

My udd31 has never been offically diagnosed by a physchiatrist but she does meet 8/9 critrea for bpd. I was told by the mental health team that it is the behaviours that are displayed on a constant basis is what matters and not the diagnosis.

Like your dd mine would also often speak to me in a truly disgracefully manner even using curse words at me and following me from room to room for a reaction. She would laugh in my face, roll her eyes, cut me off mid sentence, mimic me, speak to me sarcastic or  patronising tone and generally belittle me. I honestly think she enjoyed it and it became the hightlight of her day to try provoke me into an argument. Once I realised that I was being used as some form of entertainment  I decided not to engage in JADEING with her anymore and her verbal attacks on me decreased.

I know how difficult it may be not to automatically want to defend yourself at first but what you have to remember is that you are not dealing with a logical person with a sound mind. Also try to remember also that pwbpd will often use projection onto you how they really feel about themselves, so if they scream that you are a lazy, good for nothing so and so who has zero friends, and that you know full well that you are just the opposite...then it just isnt worth getting into a heated argument about it.

What also helped me was to write it all down in a diary and  I was able to express all my frustrations, feelings and thoughts there. I was also able to reflect on situations as they happened( which was useful as there were very many) because I had written them down
 
I have been estranged from my udd for 4years now and we are NC. I dont miss her at all and I certainly do not miss those days of being verbally attacked on a daily basis just for existing!

 

[BPDstinks]

I am so sorry you are all going through this...what a mess this BPD is...I relate to the nasty comments (one that comes to mind, my pwBPD wanted to go to a restaurant, we are eating and talking and she says, can you just shut the F up? I did not even know what do DO (my first instinct was to get up and leave her with the bill), now that I think about it, there have been SOOO many examples of this...now I start to wonder, what is wrong with me that I fantasize this beautiful reunion (other than a few texts, I have not heard from pwBPD for 2 years (all her choice); bottom line, I miss my pwBPD but not the nastiness