Back and forth

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello, I've posted here before about my ex fiancé but was hoping to talk to SOMEONE about this crazy making behavior.  My exBPD and I broke up -almost 7 years ago.  He cheated two months before our wedding and got right into a relationship with that girl.  That didn't last long, and in that time he was still talking to me, keeping tabs on who I was dating and what not.  A year and a half after our break up, he met some woman and she got pregnant after only knowing him 2 months.  Again, he was still talking to me at this point, but he never acknowledged that they were dating and he hid her pregnancy from me until I found out 3 months into it.  I told him to leave me alone and even told her why she was dealing with. Of course, I looked like the crazy one and he left. Two months later he was back, and of course when she found out, he cut communication.  We stopped talking for a year when he contacted me through fb. At that time she was pregnant again with their 2nd child.  Since then it's been off and on, he reaches out to me, and I have this guilt about ignoring him due to his past trauma history.  Every time she finds out he talks to me he usually panics and runs.  She's threatened him with the kids and their relationship has never been stable.  Anyway, the past couple years we have been pretty solid with communicating, never taking more than a few weeks "break". However about a week ago she found out yet again, and I'm not sure what was said but he basically freaked out and told me that he didn't love me, tht he "loves the mother of his kids" and he loves his kids and he wants to be with her.  He was very mean about it and has blocked me on social media and changed his number.  Now, I NEVER have initiated contact with him. Never.  He also said for me to get a lawyer if I ever want any of my money back.  Again, all very mean and total opposite from his demeanor just a couple hours prior.  Before her finding out, he was so loving and patient and was putting in effort. He would talk about departing from her and wanting to get his own place.  He never spoke of a future with her. Numerous times I told him that he seemed to have trouble letting that relationship go. He always denied it and said he was done trying with her and they were both just poison to each other at this point.  All of a sudden it's changed? I don't get it? He's given this "we need to move on. We need to be done" speech soo many times. But is this time different? Will he be back? Thanks for reading. I'm just lost and overwhelmed.

[Eazie520]

Hello, I've posted here before about my ex fiancé but was hoping to talk to SOMEONE about this crazy making behavior.  My exBPD and I broke up -almost 7 years ago.  He cheated two months before our wedding and got right into a relationship with that girl.  That didn't last long, and in that time he was still talking to me, keeping tabs on who I was dating and what not.  A year and a half after our break up, he met some woman and she got pregnant after only knowing him 2 months.  Again, he was still talking to me at this point, but he never acknowledged that they were dating and he hid her pregnancy from me until I found out 3 months into it.  I told him to leave me alone and even told her why she was dealing with. Of course, I looked like the crazy one and he left. Two months later he was back, and of course when she found out, he cut communication.  We stopped talking for a year when he contacted me through fb. At that time she was pregnant again with their 2nd child.  Since then it's been off and on, he reaches out to me, and I have this guilt about ignoring him due to his past trauma history.  Every time she finds out he talks to me he usually panics and runs.  She's threatened him with the kids and their relationship has never been stable.  Anyway, the past couple years we have been pretty solid with communicating, never taking more than a few weeks "break". However about a week ago she found out yet again, and I'm not sure what was said but he basically freaked out and told me that he didn't love me, tht he "loves the mother of his kids" and he loves his kids and he wants to be with her.  He was very mean about it and has blocked me on social media and changed his number.  Now, I NEVER have initiated contact with him. Never.  He also said for me to get a lawyer if I ever want any of my money back.  Again, all very mean and total opposite from his demeanor just a couple hours prior.  Before her finding out, he was so loving and patient and was putting in effort. He would talk about departing from her and wanting to get his own place.  He never spoke of a future with her. Numerous times I told him that he seemed to have trouble letting that relationship go. He always denied it and said he was done trying with her and they were both just poison to each other at this point.  All of a sudden it's changed? I don't get it? He's given this "we need to move on. We need to be done" speech soo many times. But is this time different? Will he be back? Thanks for reading. I'm just lost and overwhelmed.

[Meili]

I can see why you're lost and overwhelmed! I think that anyone would be. The push/pull, back and forth can really take it's toll.

I guess that if I were you, I'd start with figuring out what you want from all of this. Do you want the type of relationship that you've had with him in the past to continue? Do you want more? Less?

[Eazie520]

I can see why you're lost and overwhelmed! I think that anyone would be. The push/pull, back and forth can really take it's toll.

I guess that if I were you, I'd start with figuring out what you want from all of this. Do you want the type of relationship that you've had with him in the past to continue? Do you want more? Less?

I'm not sure anymore. Right now he has completely blocked me out of his life.  Said he would call the police and file harassment charges if I contacted him.  Funny thing is, I've never contacted him once he leaves. I usallly put up a fight initially but once he's gone I just assume he's done.  And then he reappears maybe weeks or a couple months down the line.  As of now he claims he wants to be with the mother of his kids. This isn't the first time he's given me this "I need to be with her and my kids" speech.  He has severe abandonment issues surrounding his two kids. The mother of his kids uses that to guilt trip him and is abusive.  So my guess is that it's comfortable and "safer" in that environment b that's all he's known his whole life.  So for now, what I want doesn't really matter. I am just confused, is this really the end of him? Is he really going to somehow get it together and no longer reach out to me? I doubt he's in therapy. 

[Meili]

I can completely understand why you think that what you want doesn't matter at this moment. From the position that you cannot control him or what he does, that is certainly true. I put this before you however, what you want is extremely important because it dictates what you do right now and while he's silent.

If you decide that you want to leave the door open to the idea of reconciling if that's what he wants to do, that puts you down one path of commitment. If you decide that you're done, that's another. Either way, you are the important one in that equation. You are the one who is taking control of your future and how you want to proceed.

You need to have made that decision before he contacts you if he does. That will determine how you respond.