Struggling

[exhausted mother]

Hello all, I'm so glad to have found this forum and no I'm not alone in my struggles. This will be a long one, so thanks in advance if you can make it through my first post!
I have a 38-year-old daughter with what I'm certain is undiagnosed BPD, I believe with narcissistic traits as well. Technically I am her stepmom, but her bio mom had a very serious drug problem and has been out of the picture since my daughter was about 9, so I am mom. Her bio dad was never in the picture. My husband was an angel and raised her as his own from the time she was 6 months old.
It is very clear where her issues stem from, but since she turned 18 there have been so many challenges with her. If we held her accountable for anything, she would bail to avoid accountability. Got married at 19 without telling us and moved to Germany with her husband which, not surprisingly, did not last. Then moved out of state to be with a guy she barely knew. My husband passed away several years ago and since then the challenges have increased immensely and I know have no one to tag team with to get a break.
Right after my husband passed, she got pregnant (still living out of state). She moved home with me where she could get on her feet here, but I was very clear that I did not want to live with children. The father from out of state then moved here and stayed with us for a while. Well, after the TWINS were born, he quickly determined they were not his, so I had to move her and 2 newborns back in with me. Then the actual father moved here and also stayed with us for a while. Their plan was to move in together (as friends) and raise the twins. That only lasted a short while - she is convinced he is trying to steal the twins back to his home state, to the point of paranoia. No matter how many times I point out that that cannot happen and the fact that he has now been here for 7 years doesn't change her belief. I'm sure he isn't perfect, but she has made him out to be the devil and if I ever say one thing contrary to that fact, I become the target of her rage. She has been an excellent mother making sure her kids have all of their needs met, have wonderful experiences, feel loved and safe, etc. But now that they're getting older and she is getting more paranoid and hateful toward their dad, I am so concerned about their emotional health. She claims she doesn't say anything in front of them, but I have heard things and I know they are picking up on her "vibe". I am fearful that she is going to lose her kids by her own doing. She hasn't worked for nearly 10 months, has used up all her money she saved when I let her stay here for FOUR YEARS. Because I don't want her to be homeless and I cannot deal with her in my home, I have paid her rent for the last 5 months. This is not sustainable financially and she still hasn't gotten a job. I will not pay anymore and when I ask what she is doing about a job, looking for rental assistance, etc. I get all these accusations about how she has no help, no one loves her, she's on her own, she should have a family that can help, the negativity and blame is endless.......
I am at my wit's end and have been seriously considering going no contact, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to do that. Despite my anger and frustration, I love her so much and know that she is in a bad place. She was abandoned by her mom, never knew her bio-dad, the only dad she knew has died - I don't want her to feel abandoned by me as well. And I would miss my grandkids terribly. But I know nothing I say or do makes any difference and my mental, emotional, and physical health are suffering with this situation. It has also affected my relationships with my other children and at this point if one of them needs help from me, I'm not sure I have much left to give which is not fair to them.
I welcome any suggestions from those in a similar situation.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi exhausted mother
I wish I had a magic wand that would send a helpful suggestion for you in your very difficult situation.  I have to say that you – and your husband – have been amazing in the way you loved SD for all her life. She was dealt a very difficult hand and you have been there to support and love.

The BPD journey is exhausting – and you are still there 38 years later! You sure have the right to feel this way. One positive thing in your post is that your grandchildren have been well cared for. No doubt they have heard things – but this is often the case for children of non-BPD parents too. Often adults are not very careful around children in these situations.

The main problem at the moment appears to be money to keep a roof over the family. This is a two way benefit – security for SD and the children and your own space for yourself. Have you told SD that you are not able to offer that she stays with you if she is unable to pay the rent herself? Is there a timeframe for when this is likely to happen?

Can I ask whether SD manages financially apart from paying the rent – or do you pay for other things as well?

Do you support your other children financially as well?

I am just trying to get a picture of things because I really appreciate the dilemma you are in. It is true that our BPD children pay little attention to our advice or urging – sometimes even deliberately doing the opposite!

But things seem to be relatively stable at the moment and it’s hard to see how that will still happen when they have to move.

That’s my other question (sorry for so many) – what do you think will happen when you stop paying the rent? You know the situation and SD well, so you probably have a good idea.

Will keep thinking! But can’t leave without saying once again that your story is one of real caring. Thanks for your post.

[Sancho]

Hi exhausted mother
I wish I had a magic wand that would send a helpful suggestion for you in your very difficult situation.  I have to say that you – and your husband – have been amazing in the way you loved SD for all her life. She was dealt a very difficult hand and you have been there to support and love.

The BPD journey is exhausting – and you are still there 38 years later! You sure have the right to feel this way. One positive thing in your post is that your grandchildren have been well cared for. No doubt they have heard things – but this is often the case for children of non-BPD parents too. Often adults are not very careful around children in these situations.

The main problem at the moment appears to be money to keep a roof over the family. This is a two way benefit – security for SD and the children and your own space for yourself. Have you told SD that you are not able to offer that she stays with you if she is unable to pay the rent herself? Is there a timeframe for when this is likely to happen?

Can I ask whether SD manages financially apart from paying the rent – or do you pay for other things as well?

Do you support your other children financially as well?

I am just trying to get a picture of things because I really appreciate the dilemma you are in. It is true that our BPD children pay little attention to our advice or urging – sometimes even deliberately doing the opposite!

But things seem to be relatively stable at the moment and it’s hard to see how that will still happen when they have to move.

That’s my other question (sorry for so many) – what do you think will happen when you stop paying the rent? You know the situation and SD well, so you probably have a good idea.

Will keep thinking! But can’t leave without saying once again that your story is one of real caring. Thanks for your post.