Daughter blames me for assumed BPD diagnosis

[Melissa Clark]

Just looking for support.  Have been experiencing issues with my daughter for 20+ years but it's now looking so clearly like BPD.  She has recently told me to "go away" for absolutely no reason, and after me being the one person there supporting her through her whole life (too many issues to get into detail in my first post)

She has a 10 year old son and a younger daughter and she's keeping them away from me to "punish" me even though I did nothing wrong.  The only thing I'm guilty of is doing too much.

Just need some coping mechanisms.  Having a hard time.

Thanks for listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi there, what you describe will sound familiar to many parents with adult children with BPD.  When my adult BPD stepdaughter pushes us away and blames us for her woes, even if we haven't interacted with her at all of late, I take it as a sign that she's feeling stress in her life.  The blaming is her coping mechanism.  She might also avoid interacting with us to escape any questioning (as simple as, How are you?), because the questions seem like inquisitions to her.  She feels some mixture of shame, regret or embarrassment.  So she'll retreat, in avoidance.  Does she hole up, procrastinate and isolate when she's distressed?  If yes, that sounds very typical.  Does she use her kids to punish you?  Ditto.

If you are supporting her a lot, then my guess is that she'll come back to you and ask for help when she's ready.  If she doesn't, then maybe you can feel grateful that she's learning some independence, and at least she's not lashing out at you with hatred.  In the meantime, try to enjoy yourself.  You can model what a healthy adult's life looks like.  I know it's hard.  Maybe talking to a therapist might help.  Maybe you write down your thoughts in the form of letters, but don't mail them.