Exhausted

[Strongmum]

Hello all,

This is my first post. I have registered as I am absolutely exhausted and have nothing left in the tank. Our adult daughter has beaten me down over many years emotionally, and I feel like I’m at the end of the road. She’s such a beautiful girl with a coexisting disability, which makes setting boundaries difficult. I’ve spent years being estranged (hated) then brought back into her world with desperate pleas because she wants her Mum.  The burden of other family obligations, which I have had to shoulder purely on my own, have meant I haven’t been in her world as much as she would like. I am accused of being a bad mother by her and her defacto, but I am not an emotional punching bag. When I am criticised and blamed for all the wrongs in her life, my poor parenting and discussions are purely one sided and aimed at poking the bear with as much nastiness as she can muster, my boundary is to end the conversation. I will only reengage in dialogue if it is respectful. Bad mum again-I can’t win. It was suggested some years ago she had BPD but was kicked out of hospital before we could advance the discussion.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Strongmum and welcome
It does sound like your DD does have BPD. The reason why is your description of being beaten down emotionally. This description involves two aspects of BPD – intense emotion and blaming – often there is a target to this blame.

I think there are stages of our journey with a BPD child. The first stage is when we want to find an answer – something, whether it is a program, a medication, a change of scene etc – anything that could ‘fix’ the pain that we see our child in.

The next stage is when we have tried all that we can. Sometimes – if the planets align I like to say – something is helpful. This is when our child is willing to try the something and whatever it is does help. Bingo! Others are left in profound exhaustion after trying everything they can, and things have not improved or have worsened.

I think the next stage is when we start to focus on ourselves. We have done all we can (we didn’t cause this, we can’t control it, we can’t cure it). Much of the exhaustion comes from the emotional rollercoaster ride that we go on with our children. In my case  this stage meant disengaging – not from DD – but from the emotional barrage.

I explained to DD that when she was angry I wasn’t going to engage because it didn’t help her. She needed time and space for her emotions to de-escalate. Then I worked on how I would respond when the tirades began. My answer was to imagine the words flying past me like cricket balls! I know it sounds crazy but it worked.

The key to it is to not allow your own emotional system to respond and become engaged. If you can find a way to do this, it is an enormous help.

Recently I have seen a few ‘Supernanny’ videos on youtube and I have been interested in her technique for getting children to bed when they get up a thousand times. If you can watch one of these it would be good I think.

The parents are told a plan that involves 3 steps. The third time the child gets up, no talking, but calmly take child back to bed. Sometimes this goes on for ages – but the key is that the parent is not emotionally involved with the child’s behaviour, whether the child is being angry, cheeky, demanding etc – the parent stays calm.

On one of these videos, the dad said he was amazed that he was not exhausted by the hours of taking the child back to bed – because he had not used up any emotional energy. Previously he had become angry, frustrated - and exhausted from the feeling of being in a losing battle.

I would be interested to hear what you think.

[CC43]

Hi Mum and Sancho,

I agree that part of the strain of having an adult child with BPD is witnessing their suffering, absorbing some of their pain, being blamed for it and feeling exhausted from trying, but failing, to alleviate their distress.

Sancho, I love your reference to Supernanny. She parents from a place of love, and she is both fun and very compassionate. Yet she is a consummate enforcer of healthy boundaries!  She does not get sucked into a child’s tantrums and bad behavior, but she helps guide kids to get control of themselves, and get with the program!  Part of that relates to healthy routines, which set kids up for success.  But most of all, she is really clear about putting a stop to naughty, destructive behavior (from kids as well as parents), and certainly not letting it spiral out of control. She does not tolerate hitting, talking back, or throwing toys or tantrums. The nighttime routine is so important—starting with getting the child in her own bed and enjoying a calming nighttime story from mum or dad. She’ll calmly and lovingly say, goodnight darling, and turn off the lights. If the child cries, gets out of bed, asks for a drink, or wants to use the bathroom, etc., she sees these as delay tactics and/or bids for parental attention. Thus returning the child to bed, without engaging them in conversation or attention, shows the child that acting out doesn’t get them what they want. If the boundaries are enforced, the child eventually learns that at bedtime, it’s time for sleep. Supernanny  is awesome. She is not flustered by child distress and acting out because she’s seen it a million times before, and she helps teach parents how to enforce healthy boundaries, which lead to a much more functional and happy home and relationships.

Supernanny also makes it clear that the parents make the house rules. She will focus on a few house rules at a time, which are tailored for the family’s biggest issues. Breaking rules have clear consequences. But following the rules have rewards, such as extra time with a parent. Thus the kids don’t make the rules, though they do have some choices, such as picking a special activity with mum or dad. Some of these concepts might be applicable for living with a (adult) child with BPD. That’s not to say that Supernanny ignores children’s feelings. On the contrary, she’s adept at getting children to express themselves, through conversations, drawing or writing. Somehow she manages to get kids (and parents!) to talk, not tantrum, and feel better after sharing, not worse. She is truly compassionate and understanding.

[Sancho]

Yes all those things that CC43 mentions are happening - but these children may not have BPD so circumstances can be different.

My focus with Supernanny is that she helps the parent to control their own emotional response. I think this element of her techniques does transfer to the BPD situation. Boundaries have not worked for my BPD Dd and I was warned by a paediatric psychiatrist that the usual behaviour management techniques often do NOT work in the case of BPD.

When they don't work how do we deal with things? Personally I think to focus on our emotional response - no matter what is happening - is the best thing we can do. Everything else may or may not work - but the one thing we can control is our own emotional response.

This was the focus of the Supernanny example for me - the parent can spend hours taking the child back to bed while spending an absolute minimum emotional energy.

I hope this makes sense.

[Sancho]

Just to clarify again - sorry!

Ordinary behaviour management works on reward/punishment. Certain behaviour will bring reward - can be anything that a child/adult desires eg attention perhaps or material reward.

Punishment can be the withdrawal of something or denial of a privilege etc

My DD is very low functioning. There is no possibility of her obtaining employment and even if she did it would be very short lived due to her impulsivity and inability to take suggestions let alone advice. To keep failing at that would make things worse for her.

Withdrawing her phone would be a disaster for her mental health and because I know this, I would not do it because I would be responsible if she took her life.

We all have similar experiences, but our individual cases can be so different.

The Supernanny way would in no way work in my case - apart from that little treasure I picked up on focusing on my emotional response. It has been a game changer for me.

I hope that clarifies my reference to Supernanny.