I feel so alone

[PLP62]

Although my daughter doesn't show all of the criteria of BED the over reaction,  intense rage,  is almost always directed at me.   After being told what a horrible patent I am, and how much she hates me so mash times,  I'm beginning to actually believe it
Or daughter is living at home,  24 years old and is also dealing with depression.   Don't know where to turn

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Fie]

Hello PLP62  

You are in a very distressing situation and my heart goes out to you.
I am not sure I can advise a lot, since the BPD in my life is not a child but a parent. So the dynamics are a little different.

I do know that BPD projects away the deep self loathing they feel. At the core of their being is shame and self hate. Whenever they feel a negative emotion about themselves they try to project it away to the people closest to them.

So when your daughter tells you she hates you she probably means she hates herself. That's very sad, I know.


Do you think it could be a good approach telling her 'you can hate me all you want, you are my child and I love you very much ?'  - knowing that the cursing you has actually probably nothing to do with you - and everything with her ?

[Lollypop]

Hi there PLP62

Welcome to the forum. I thought I'd touch base with you because my BPDs26 returned home to us at 25.  He got dx following a crisis at 24. My son doesn't display all the traits and he internalises so it can be tricky to know how he's feeling.

You've come to the right place.

I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter and know how hurt and confused you feel. Having your adult child living back home with you certainly isn't easy with mood swings and depression thrown in.

If you take a look at the top right bar in this page you'll find loads of information on BPD, communication and validation skills. I encourage you to read all you can if you haven't done so already.

This learning helped me immensely as I then understood why he behaves the way he does, his limitations and challenges he faces every day. This helped me to not react to him.

I've found a way to help my BPDs26 through better communication skills and validating his feelings.  It has vastly improved our relationship and we are now easy with one another.

Your situation can change for the better PLP62.  There's a way forward for you to improve your relationship with your daughter, despite the Problems. It takes baby steps.

Is your daughter on medication or receiving any treatment for her depression?

What's your biggest problem in dealing with her at the moment that we can help you with?

I'm sending you a hug   because I think you might be needing it

Lollypop

[Lollypop]

Hi again PLP

 

When my BPDS26 came home I took my foot off the pedal.  I tried to get things calm and stable for him as he was so depressed.  At first, I tried to steer him by reminding him of his responsibilities but he just couldn't cope.  I tried forcing medical help too.  I learnt by my mistake. 

So I changed my approach.  I started to be as light as a fairy when I was around him; never talking about anything serious and always with a warm genuine smile on my face.  I talked about anything and everything as we passed each other by in the kitchen.  This helped me in two ways:  it gave me the time to read and learn about BPD and it provided a happier home environment for all of us while I tried to work out what I needed to do.

I accepted that I couldn't change his behaviour, all I could do was change mine and how I reacted to him.

I got to work on being the parent he needed, not the one I thought I should be.

This forum helped me see that if I wanted my adult BPD son to behave liked an adult and take responsibility for himself then I needed to treat him as an adult.  This meant him making his own decisions and suffering the consequences but in a loving and supportive environment where he is not judged.  When he makes the wrong choices and tells me about it, I try and encourage him to solve his own problems.

You've told me something of your situation but I didn't want to openly comment on things said within a private message so I've told you about how things were for me in my early days. I hope this helps you.

I think you're doing great by the way.

What boundaries are you thinking about?

L

[livednlearned]

Hi PLP,

I'm sorry you're feeling so alone  

I agree with Fie that it's much more likely your D is projecting her intense self-loathing onto you. She may also be angry that she is allowed to behave in ways that perpetuate her internal image of being a bad person. In other words, she blames you for letting her act badly instead of taking responsibility for her own actions.

We can interrupt this loop when we no longer allow the abuse. There are many counter-intuitive skills that can help, and people here are all learning as we go, making things better one small interaction at a time.

"I see that you are very angry at me right now. I'm going to give myself a timeout to get centered so I can take in what you are saying. I handle this kind of information much better when I am not off balance." -- is one approach when your D dysregulates and points the firehose of rage your way.

Always take care of yourself so that you have the strength needed. Like Lollypop says, all we can do is change our behavior and how we react.

It can have a domino effect.