I’m back again, 5th post maybe

[NotHereButHere]

I am going to leave but I’m not sure how I can. There is no question in my mind that I have to leave and the sooner the better. I’ve been here before and I was pulled back in about a year ago and I moved back in. The past year has been aweful. I’ve been choked, slapped, and yelled at too many time already.

I tried to leave yesterday after another unreasonable rage episode. I started grabbing some things to leave with and she latched onto my physically stopping me for hours until I ran out of energy and gave up. I am back in autopilot but I need to leave today

[NotHereButHere]

I found my previous post, it is way too similar to how things are right now. And looking back I didn’t leave because I went into autopilot. I am more annoyed at how it just keeps repeating but how hard it can physically be to leave.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=358853.msg13217681#msg13217681

[kells76]

Hi NotHereButHere, glad you checked in with us again.

It makes a lot of sense, and is really common, for there not to be a "clean break" when ending a high conflict relationship. The National DV Hotline has a brief discussion in their article on Why People Stay.

I'm curious if you have already reached out to a DV hotline to share about your situation? Calling a DV hotline is for anyone -- not just "people worse off than me". I've called before (about things my H's kids told us about their mom & stepdad), and other members here have called before. You won't be alone. The teams that answer are great listeners and understand why it's so challenging to "just leave".

Do you think you could take a few minutes today -- maybe you can go to a coffee shop parking lot, or something -- give them a call, and then come back here and let us know what they said?

Calling them doesn't mean you have to leave... or have to stay... or have to do anything. You'll just be getting some information from experienced, caring people.

Keep posting... we'll be listening, too.

[ForeverDad]

You have a couple children, so that make strategizing a separation a bit more complicated. They're young, a preschooler and another in elementary school.

Have you interviews lawyers yet?  You want to select an experienced and proactive one with strategies and familiar with the local family court, not just one who fills out forms.  For insight, you can read an excellent handbook by William Eddy "Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder".

Do you have any documentation of your spouse's aggressive abuse?  Any recordings or others who are witnesses?  I ask because courts often view verbal accounts (he said, she said) as hearsay and are largely ignored.  However, women are typically given default deference when alleging abuse, so that's why I asked whether you have proof of her aggressive behavior.  (It's hard to picture an aggressive victim...)

So if abuse is to be reported, it would be best for you to do it first.  That way you could at least state that her responding by making her own allegations is "sour grapes" or retaliation.

Of course, don't give her "fair notice" of your plans or else she'd be sure to sabotage you.  Follow you lawyer's advice since the lawyer knows the many ways we could innocently sabotage ourselves.  I say that because we here have natures that treasure fairness and being up front in everything but the high conflict scenario dictates that we restrain our otherwise excellent tendency.