“When you are ready, you will leave.”

[JazzSinger]

My new therapist told me that I will leave my uHwBPD, when I’ve had enough.  And she focused on that, throughout our session.  On the way home, I resisted.  I didn’t like her approach.

By the time I got home, I realized that where there is a will, there is a way.  It’s as if she threw much needed cold water in my face. 

“When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.”

I’ve already started doing research on how I might leave -  new housing, selling our place, and generally thinking about it in a more grounded way. 

It’s possible that I haven’t realized how traumatized I’ve been, especially for the past two years. 

I have a lot of work to do — on myself, and on the practical road to relocating. 

Just thinking about being free of him feels better than ever. 

Again — Where there is a will, there is a way.

Just sharing. 

I’m very grateful for this community. 

Jazz

[PeteWitsend]

I think this is true, and that's largely how it went for me, although it still wasn't easy because we had a child together. 

I found just making preparations to leave and to plan my path forward felt rewarding and liberating.  It gets easier and easier to see yourselves apart, and after a certain point, you might even forget what you ever saw in the other person. 

My marriage to BPDxw now seems like it was all nothing more than a bad dream.  When I've had to interact with her, it's like talking to a stranger. 

[ForeverDad]

Remember that this this shift, this realignment, this choice, involves a change in approaches to many things.  What can trip us up is our own sense of being super-fair, such as proclaiming our intentions.  If you're now viewing the relationship as failed, then privacy and confidentiality are important.  Your plans and preparations are best not to be communicated or even hinted to the other.  Sharing too much could result in you being sabotaged legally, financially, emotionally, etc.

If you have an impulse to share something beyond the basic financials, etc, then first run it past your lawyer, counselor or here for objective input.

[CC43]

Hi Jazz,

I think it's good that you're talking through feelings and scenarios with a therapist.  Sometimes, getting a different perspective can help you think things through.  Leaving is a big step that would require some planning and level-headedness.  You've had a lifetime together, and this would be a big change indeed.  Maybe a big change is exactly what you need . . . but I hope you'd make the decision with a clear head, and from a good place.  If you're traumatized or trauma-bonded, maybe your emotions are affecting your thinking.  I say that because, after dealing with a chaotic BPD daughter for a few years, my husband was certainly in a FOG--mainly operating out of fear, obligation and guilt.  I thought that the ongoing trauma and living in constant crisis-mode had clouded his thinking!  I think it helped him to talk things over--with me, with a therapist--to get some perspective and to make well thought-out decisions.  Stepping back and engaging in self-care was also important, because coping with (and taking responsibility for) BPD behaviors of a loved one shouldn't become one's entire life and identity. 

I know from prior posts you've managed to sneak in some much-needed time away, to help you re-center and find some calm.  Maybe you could consider doing that again, for your own sanity.  You might also consider reaching out for some help, maybe to a domestic violence hotline.  Domestic violence doesn't necessarily have to be of the physical kind--emotional abuse is abuse too.  I bet there might be some resources they could point you to.

Maybe it would help to ask yourself, if you really loved yourself, what would you do?  Are you staying in the relationship out of a sense of fear, obligation or guilt?  Do you think you don't deserve to be calm and happy?  Would it make you happier to leave, even if it meant that you had to downsize a little?  If you could wave a magic wand, what would your ideal, but realistic, ordinary day look like?  What is stopping you from making your ideal, ordinary day happen?  Is there a series of baby steps that you need to take, or do you need a quantum leap of change, or maybe something in between?  Look, I know change is hard, but I'd also say, it's worth the rewards in the end.  But I think deciding to change is especially hard when we're constantly operating in a high-stress situation.  That's why I like to make big decisions from a place of calm--after I've had the opportunity to rest up and sleep on the decision, so to speak.  Sometimes, when I make that decision, I'll feel a wave of relief come over me.  Even if the execution of the decision involves some hard steps, nothing seems as hard as making the decision itself.  Maybe that's because for me, avoidance is generally more painful that facing something head-on.

You deserve to be happy.  I hope you find a way to achieve that.

[JazzSinger]

I found just making preparations to leave and to plan my path forward felt rewarding and liberating.  It gets easier and easier to see yourselves apart, and after a certain point, you might even forget what you ever saw in the other person. 

Thank you PeteWitsend.

I too find initial preparations are liberating.  Even though it may be a long road for me, I can taste freedom now, and I want it, badly.   

I still know what I initially saw in my H — The problem is, he’s no longer that person.  He has changed over the years, losing his grip on reality and growing meaner with the passing time.  I also believe he had some sort of psychotic break or serious separation from reality in May of 2023, from which he has never recovered.  Since that time, he’s been beyond anxious, critical, and generally impossible to live with.  He lives in a different world.

I’m ready to get out. I am elderly, but I don’t care. Somewhere out there, there is an affordable and pleasant place for me where I can live in peace in my golden years. It may take a couple of years, and I will be quite old, but it will be worth it. 

I will need to sell this co-op, at which point, my plans will need to be revealed to my H. It will not be easy, but I will get there. 

I really appreciate your sharing and support.

Jazz

[JazzSinger]

Hi Jazz,

I think it's good that you're talking through feelings and scenarios with a therapist.  Sometimes, getting a different perspective can help you think things through.  Leaving is a big step that would require some planning and level-headedness.  You've had a lifetime together, and this would be a big change indeed.  Maybe a big change is exactly what you need . . . but I hope you'd make the decision with a clear head, and from a good place.  If you're traumatized or trauma-bonded, maybe your emotions are affecting your thinking.  I say that because, after dealing with a chaotic BPD daughter for a few years, my husband was certainly in a FOG--mainly operating out of fear, obligation and guilt.  I thought that the ongoing trauma and living in constant crisis-mode had clouded his thinking!  I think it helped him to talk things over--with me, with a therapist--to get some perspective and to make well thought-out decisions.  Stepping back and engaging in self-care was also important, because coping with (and taking responsibility for) BPD behaviors of a loved one shouldn't become one's entire life and identity. 

CC43,

Thanks for sharing and understanding. 

I am ready.  Somehow, this new therapist woke up some feelings that were already there.   It started with my recent overnight stay away from home.  When I returned,  I felt awful, and I couldn’t believe how terribly he was treating me, and how much I’d been putting up with. Next thing you know, my therapist bails on me, and then I get a new one ( from the same organization).  She threw cold water in my face — I kind of snapped out of it.  No more figuring out how to cope with him — It’s time to leave him. 

So, it was a process.  It probably started on the day I first came to this website. 

I’ve not spent a lifetime with my H — We married later in life.  Still, 21 years is a long time.  But if I’m being honest, I have not been happy for 8 of those years, and the last 2 have been horrendous.

It’s time to go, but I know it will be a process. I need to find affordable housing for myself.  I will need to sell our co-op.  It may be a few years, at which time, I will be very old — I’m elderly now. But I want to have peace before I leave this earth, and I have to work on it, now.

I understand trauma bonds.  I’m sure that’s been operating for years.I didn’t even realize it until recently.  But in this moment, I’m done. I’m working on getting out,  and that’s not likely to change.

Thank you so much. I do so appreciate everything you’ve shared.

Jazz

[JazzSinger]

Remember that this this shift, this realignment, this choice, involves a change in approaches to many things.  What can trip us up is our own sense of being super-fair, such as proclaiming our intentions.  If you're now viewing the relationship as failed, then privacy and confidentiality are important.  Your plans and preparations are best not to be communicated or even hinted to the other.  Sharing too much could result in you being sabotaged legally, financially, emotionally, etc.

If you have an impulse to share something beyond the basic financials, etc, then first run it past your lawyer, counselor or here for objective input.

Thanks so much for your insights, ForeverDad.

I realize leaving will be a process, and it may take 2-3 years to achieve my intentions. I am elderly, but I am NOT willing to spend my last years with him, if I can help it.

Of course, he will know nothing of my plans, until I have to put our co-op on the market.  I assume he will be beyond impossible at that point, and I may need a safe place to stay for a while.  I might even need to involve law enforcement— He’s very sick, and he’s never had any treatment.  I will deal with this when the time comes.

For now, I’m looking for affordable senior housing — not easy, but not impossible in my area.  I’m finding resources — people who can help me. 

I don’t know how many years I have left — I’m already in my late 70’s.  But I don’t want to spend these last years being aggravated beyond belief, by him.  I deserve peace.  Eventually, I’ll get there.

Thanks so much. 

Jazz