Delaying Grief

[Ulmas]

**Delaying Grief**

I tend to move instinctively toward places where I can be useful—where I can help, fix, or make things better.

Sometimes, I do this instead of pausing to sit still with grief.

My 21-year-old daughter has not been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, but there are traits she exhibits that lead me to strongly believe that this is the pattern we’re navigating. I first became acquainted with BPD through my mother, who—though never formally diagnosed—fit the profile in dramatic ways that shaped my life.

It hurts when my daughter blames me for things I believe are untrue or unfair. It hurts when she accuses me of trying to control her.

And still, I know this is my work: to keep showing up. To keep loving her unconditionally. To release the deeply human longing for that love to land—to be seen, appreciated, or to some day have that love returned.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family.  I can hear the strife in your written words and I hope you someday find the peace that you're searching for.  Is your daughter currently in therapy?  Have you sought a diagnosis yet?  Please tell us a little more about why you think her behavior is BPD-related.

While it is your "job" to keep showing up, it is essential that you do so in healthy ways that benefit both of you.  There's a great book on BPD called, "Stop Walking on Eggshells" that guides family members of BPDs on how to draw that line.  It would be worth the read when you're ready for that.