Similar Stories/Advice? -- Wife Cheated -- Splitting Derailing Repair Attempts

[pantherpanther]

My wife of 20+ years had a year-long affair.  She was flirting with starting another one when I discovered the first.  I have 3 kids, 20 (in college), 18 (entering college), and 16.

When I discovered it, she threatened s****de and has multiple times since.  She was diagnosed with BPD a few days after my discovery.  I suspected she had it 10-15 years earlier based on her behavior.  Specifically, she split on me many times during our marriage and our kids less frequently.  There are no winnable arguments and very little negotiation before escalation.

After discovery, she immediately cut off the other guys and hasn't been on any social media.  Since discovery, it is as if the roller coaster has restarted from scratch.  I'm the greatest person ever 98% of the time.  Lovebombing like you couldn't imagine.  She had no problem telling me she loved me during the affair, however, so I have a really tough time buying that is anything other than the fear of abandonment talking.  2% of the time, she is splitting and on the ground throwing panic attack tantrums.  In the most recent one, I had to call the s****de hotline.

She started DBT and a therapist.  She is doing intermittent work, though I continuously plead with her to make it the #1 priority above all else.  Over 6 months, she worked through a DBT workbook, and has talked to a therapist for 30 minutes every other week.  This doesn't seem nearly adequate to me.  Is it enough to be effective?  What is the right level of intensity?

When researching how to recover from betrayal trauma, all the advice says I need to grieve, have honest discussions with her, and establish boundaries.  Anytime the affair is brought up, however, she spirals.  I can't heal because she is unable to confront her actions without splitting and panic attacks.  She hears voices telling her to harm herself.  I've gotten responses like, "It's been 6 months already, I'll never be good enough for you."

My primary goal is to do whatever it takes for the kids' best outcome, above my own.  She's normally a good mom, but I fear the type of lowlife men she'd bring around my daughters if I weren't there.  I can't tolerate the thought of not protecting my kids from exposure to random, strange dudes.  As a result, I'm choosing to absorb the pain of it all for now.

I'm not sure I could recover from the infidelity or the BPD stress by themselves.  As a combo, they are affecting every aspect of life.  If she were able to heal, perhaps I could work through the betrayal for the sake of the family.  I don't know how to tell whether that's even feasible.  Her denial and deflection is a brick wall.

When the affair isn't mentioned, she carries on as if she lives in a reality where it never existed.

Can/will she get better?  Can/will I?  Is salvation possible?  What will it take?

"Should I stay or should I go now...?"  I fear I already know the answer.  Any success stories out there and action plans?  It's really hard to envision, and ChatGPT says she has a 90% chance of cheating again, based on the variables I outlined.

ChatGPT and this website, by the way, have given me far greater advice than talking with therapists.  When I outline the situation, therapists have been at a loss to even offer any constructive advice.

*Note: I originally posted a similar version of this on the wrong board with less detail.

[ForeverDad]

My wife of 20+ years had a year-long affair.  She was flirting with starting another one when I discovered the first... When I discovered it, she threatened s****de and has multiple times since...  In the most recent one, I had to call the s****de hotline...  She had no problem telling me she loved me during the affair, however, so I have a really tough time buying that...

Suicide threats might fit into two general categories, at least my impression.  One is that the person is in real mental distress to the point of extreme self-harm.  However the other category is the person is making such threats in self defense (due to looking bad) or in manipulation or coercion attempts (distract you from taking effective action).

My primary goal is to do whatever it takes for the kids' best outcome, above my own.  She's normally a good mom, but I fear the type of lowlife men she'd bring around my daughters if I weren't there.  I can't tolerate the thought of not protecting my kids from exposure to random, strange dudes.  As a result, I'm choosing to absorb the pain of it all for now.

Your children are grown and adults or nearly so.  Whatever legal authority as a parent that you have now will soon be gone once the last of your children turns 18.  And should you decide to end the marriage, your children could, as adults, choose to live with you for now.

Yes, you can't and shouldn't cut them off, you will always be their parent.  On the other hand, ponder what example you're providing them.  Is the infidelity and all the lies being minimized or addressed out in the open?  Will this be a learning experience for them so they learn from you what is acceptable and what is the basis for your subsequent decisions?

I'm not sure I could recover from the infidelity or the BPD stress by themselves...

Can/will she get better?  Can/will I?  Is salvation possible?  What will it take?

"Should I stay or should I go now...?"  I fear I already know the answer.

There's no simple answer.  No two people, especially disordered ones, are exactly alike.  Traits vary from person to person, often described as being on a spectrum or range from one extreme to the other.  But there are common patterns and also typical outcomes.  One is that we can't "fix" someone else.  We can only work on ourselves and even then only reach a measure of success.  Our traits are stubborn ones!

Will she reach a measure of recovery and change?  Maybe, if she applies herself.  That would be an uphill struggle for her.  But you're both adults.  You have a right to follow your own boundaries of behavior, just as she does.  Speaking of boundaries... Boundaries cannot be enforced upon others.  So what boundaries really are is how we respond to poor behavior.  Here is a link to a few Boundaries articles and more on our Tools and  Skills Workshops board.

Others here will soon respond with more observations.

[awakened23]

Hello PP, I am in a similar quandary and struggle and can relate & empathize with your situation. I haven't figured any way out and am continuing to live in a dilemma on handling my own emotions. In my case I chose to forget the affair happened and specific details after any months of struggle however very time my pwBPD splits they bring up the affair in detail to torment me and also blame me as the reason for the affair.

[BlueNavigator]

Can she get better? Yes, absolutely, she can make improvements especially now that the diagnosis and "cure" (therapy) have been put in place. Will she get better? I don't know, Mr. Panther, that is up to her right now. Does she seem motivated to change? Has she been making progress? Is she showing "stick-to-it-iveness" about embracing her diagnosis and therapy, or was there a flurry of commitment that passed like a summer rainstorm?

Can you get better? Yes, absolutely. You obviously have insight that there's a problem and motivation to study your options or you wouldn't be here. Will you get better, Mr. Panther? I don't know, I think it depends on your level of commitment, too. I realized after my wife's diagnosis that I had to have the resolve to leave and know that I could leave or I would forever feel stuck and dependent on her. If I didn't feel like leaving was an option, then I would continue to cower and cave to her demands. It wasn't until I resolved to leave if necessary that I found the bravery to start declining her unreasonable requests. It made a big difference, and when she began to see that my life would no longer be governed by the whims of her emotional upheavals, she took my concerns seriously. More seriously, anyway. It's been over three years, and we are still together (things are better, not great). I wouldn't have stayed had it not been for the children, and I don't think I would have stayed if she had had an affair.

Do you feel you could leave if you needed to or wanted to? Do you feel you need permission to leave?