Feeling Overwhelmed

[Pangkatan42]

Finally decided to post after reading various posts here for a long time. Late 20s only child male, father is uPWD (but has a diagnosis for OCD) and my mother is the enabler. As background my father had lots of young-adulthood trauma and so for a long time his mental health issues have been traced to that. However, talking to his siblings its clear much of this behavior predates that and is very strongly suggestive of BPD. One of his siblings was diagnosed with BPD.

Both of my parents are also hoarders. Their marriage has been dysfunctional as long as I've been alive. They've never shared a bedroom and are basically two people living in the same house and go most of the day without talking. Since I was a teenager it became my job to communicate between them, though I was also the "golden child" until I became a teenager so it really took me a long time to wake up to all this.

Since COVID everything has completely spiraled out of control and it's become clear to me how extremely dysfunctional this family is. My father started a long list of prohibitions of things we weren't allowed to do because we couldn't do them "right". I always thought this was due to OCD but now its become clear much of this is from his uBPD and his desire to be in control.

I was able to "escape" this to some degree, but my mom's condition has worsened. Here's a list of some things shes not allowed to do: open the windows, open the shades (they live in darkness), dust, vacuum, mop, use the dishwasher, handwash dishes, drive, go outside (yes, I'm sadly serious), go for walks, go in the yard. She only leaves the house when he drives her which truly is maybe ten times a year. This sounds even more extreme when I type it yet when I confront her about how we need to take steps to stop this she pretends there's nothing wrong. "If I wanted to do something I would" she says. Well, she hasn't. She sits on the couch all day long and watches TV and manages his constant never ending outbursts.

So what are the consequences if those "rules" are violated? He has a complete unmitigated meltdown. When I was younger it involved more screaming, but now it involves lots of door slamming, weeks-long silent treatment, and often sobbing. I had a lot of prohibitions growing up too, but I was able to escape most of these by moving out. Though of course in classic BPD fashion he had an extreme meltdown when I moved out. He also surveilles her constantly. Going through her phone and computer and if I'm on the phone with her I can hear him walk by seriously 5-10 times in a 30 minute conversation so he can listen to what we're discussing. All my life during fights he has also explosively accused me of "always liking my mom more than him".

I'm just feeling so overwhelmed by this especially because of this "alternate reality" they both have. They both pretend like things are normal. In addition to the dysfunction between each other their house is squalid. I can't even go into details but think hoarders episodes. I tried to help them clean a few years back. We filled an enormous dumpster. And everything went back to this squalid state. I just feel so hopeless with this. I know I'm an adult and I live away from them but I feel so responsible for their squalid awful living state but I can't do anything. They both make it clear to me explicitly that "I'm the only thing they have to live for" and so it feels like betrayal to criticize. Also my mother was diagnosed with cancer recently which has just made things even worse. That's a whole other post. Just feeling incredibly trapped by this.

[Notwendy]

I think it will help to look at some patterns that are common to dysfunctional families. Families may have different circumstances but these patterns are common to many families where there is a disordered person or persons.

While your circumstances are different from my parents' situation, they were in a similar relationship pattern, where my BPD mother seemed to control my father. I had perceived him as a victim and her as the problem but it was a relationship between the two of them.

When there is a disordered person(s) in a family, the entire family functions to keep the system in balance. Other family members may take on behaviors that help keep the family in a sort of balance. These behaviors are also dysfunctional even if the person themselves doesn't have a disorder. For a child growing up in this kind of family, this is their "normal". They don't know another kind of normal.

One noticeable aspect of your post is your age. You have only recently become an adult.  Parents are responsible for their minor children, not the other way around and yet, in your situation, you've been put in a position of responsibility for your parents since childhood. This may feel like "normal" to you, but a child is not responsible for their parents' marriage. In most cultures and religions, there are expectations on how children treat a parent- but there's a difference between a teen ager or adult child helping out at home and being seen as responsible for what is their parents' responsibility- their feelings and their marriage.

When a child is put in this position, the term is "parentification". It's common in dysfunctional families. The child may feel special (Golden Child) but parentification and being a GC are not good for a child.

It may not feel "normal" to you to step back from feeling responsible, but this is not your relationship to fix- and in addition, you can't fix it. I also think you will need some counseling to help you manage this boundary. In these family patterns, when one person changes their role, the family feels out of balance and other family members react to that. Of course your father reacted when you moved out. It was the best thing for you but it changed his comfort level.

That isn't your fault. It is a normal part of a child's development into adult hood to be an independent adult.

Another common pattern is the Karpman triangle dynamics. You seem to have been put into "rescuer" position to your parents- either together or one of them. But your parents are not victims. They are adults and each adult is responsible for their own emotional well being.  You, for the most part have been their child. Their role was to protect you, not the other way around. Now, as an adult, you too are responsible for your own emotional well being.

However, taking steps towards your own independence is challenging due to these dynamics and the learned behavior. This is why counseling, or 12 step ACA groups ( they help with dysfunction too) can help with learning a "new" more functional "normal' for you. You can do this though- it may take work, but it is worth the investment in yourself to change the cycle of dysfunction for you, your future, and your future relationships and family should you choose that. Support is helpful because, it's likely your parents' behaviors might escalate as you begin to change yours.