Short-Term Help w/ udxBPDH

[Stuck udxBPD]

We have been married for 30 years and have 4 kids. 2 are grown but only 1 is fully independent.

1 will be off to college soon and youngest is old enough to voice his opinions.

My H can be so fun.  He is smart and pretty successful (financially but often hates his work).

The flip side is he can dysregulate incredibly fast at what he perceives as any slight — could be a direct insult (no immediate family ever does this) to not getting a “you did the most amazing job” when I’m exhausted, shared a situation I was trying to make a decision about and he restates one of my options and expects to be told how brilliant he is.  He is told the majority of the time thank you, that was such a help, etc., when he is.

But sometimes he railroads the conversation and then tells me how I feel.  Literally — no, you don’t feel happy, you feel mad.  Um no, I think I know how I feel.

Simple illustration of the control and manipulation.  It is not always, which makes it so confusing and disorienting. Things are good and I start to let my guard down and he gets triggered about something.

The triggers are not overt or clear so very difficult to avoid and once we’re off to the races, there is no turning back. Sometimes a commercial on tv triggers him or a friend tells him something — example - friends whose rich family bought them a house 25 years ago and paid for their 2 kids educations, both successful professionals, and are empty nesters take more vacations than the 3 (not my preference at all) we take as a family of 6.  Then a tirade how he deserves more, should have better and then somehow it’s my fault.

And he’ll tie it into my past — he is triggered by an old boyfriend. I gave him so much attention, but not him. So desperately wrong and how would he know. 

My job is a joke — I don’t make enough — I should quit. Two days later and I better keep my job.


I honestly don’t know if it’s intentional manipulation or if he just is emotionally all over the place and can’t help it.

I am NOT perfect. I have health issues. I sometimes rant about my job bc some people are very frustrating and I need to let it out but I stayed home with our kids so not a career, just a job and not easy to replicate income — not a ton (he makes 3-3.5 times what make) but I have to keep bc half the time he’s threatening divorce.

He’s had an issue with everyone in our families so we don’t talk to most anymore. He’s had a doesn’t forgive — he is aware and incapable.

The last month or so he makes comments about leaving or he hates me.  I am having surgery in a month and he says we’ll talk after. But still is attacking me and I’m just focused on hopefully getting better so I’m resenting even more dealing with this.

I’ve stayed mostly for the kids.  I, maybe very incorrectly, believed keeping an eye on him was better than having no insight into his treatment. He is mostly okay with them but can flip or be nasty, but to a much lessor degree.

I set boundaries a few years ago that I was no longer going to discuss certain topics. If he wants to stay stuck in 40 years ago, he could do it alone. But more recently it’s coming up again and I’ve been so stressed and distracted that I got pulled in.

If I refuse to discuss he rages. If I discuss he rages.

Other days it’s peaceful and happy.

I’m really too old and tired to keep doing this. Our youngest is still years before college and I feel terrible but I am being so eroded.

I’m also terrified bc I can’t support myself fully on my salary (no growth and real potential for downsizing as the company is going through significant changes).  He says bc I have a job for 5 years, he won’t have to pay alimony — after 30 years?!  Whatever will be an unending fight. He’s a lawyer and can play dirty.

How do I manage the day to day for now?  I can’t make him feel better about the old boyfriend (sounds scandalous but just an old boyfriend) but I see zero point in talking about it. What changes 40 years later?

Open to all thoughts and advice.

[hiiumaa]

Hi Stuck udxBPD,

unfortunately I`m not the right person to help you in a practical way, because I think, I`m living in a different country ( english is not my mother tongue ) and the laws and rules are different.

But I read your story and just wanted to let you know, that the description of your H`s behavior could be my partner`s ( ex-partner`s... I broke up with him a few weeks ago, but I`m still struggling with taking him back into my life ).

Everything you wrote could be him. I really don`t know, how you survived so many years with him!

When I read about what you are going through, I`m quite thankful, that I`m not married to him or had kids with him - even when he always tried to force me into that. With every word reading about your H`s behavior the horrible feeling in my gut came back that I had so long during the relationship with my pwbpd. I absolutely understand that you can`t take it anymore.

Are there authorities or organisations where you could go for a first guide what to do? When your H is lawyer this is really extremly difficult. But I can only encourage you to try to get as much information and support as possible.

Before I had the relationship with my pwbpd, I was ten years in a relationship with a man without bpd-traits, but he also was quite demanding ( narcisstic traits - not pathologically but exhausting ). It was very hard to leave this relationship and it was only possible because I got a lot of support from authorities and organisations who gave me a lot of informations and encourage before really leaving.

I wish you all the best!

[hiiumaa]

P.S. Your question about the story with the old boyfriend... I just remembered that my pwbpd had something similar about every single christmas, because in the first year after we met, I couldn`t spend christmas with him. He knew the reasons: I couldn`t leave my son alone at home. And he never tried to meet my son before, so it was not a good idea to start with that at a christmas.

He went back to that over and over again. Explaining the situation didn`t work. Not explaining didn`t work. There rage and devaluation whatever I did about it.

In the end I decided to grey rock the christmas-issue: "If you mean." "Okay." and then I left the flat for an hour or longer if possible. He also got extremely angry - but it saved my energy to NOT discuss it anymore and often he had calmed down until I was back.

First I tried validation. Didn`t work. It ended in rage. Then I tried stopping him: "xy, it is really enough now." Didn`t work. Ended in rage. So grey rock and then leaving for a while was for myself the most engergy-saving solution ( even when it ended in rage again ).

[ForeverDad]

I honestly don’t know if it’s intentional manipulation or if he just is emotionally all over the place and can’t help it.

Probably it doesn't matter whether he realizes it is intentional or not, probably a bit of both, but it does happen and the result is you still have to deal with it.  I believe the therapy most helpful with BPD is Dialectical or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (DBT or CBT).  Over time the goal is for them to stop and ponder their behavior, sort of a Wise Mind awareness.  Many refuse to stop their Denial, Blaming and Blame Shifting, refusing to even start much less apply therapy in  their lives.

I’ve stayed mostly for the kids.  I, maybe very incorrectly, believed keeping an eye on him was better than having no insight into his treatment. He is mostly okay with them but can flip or be nasty, but to a much lessor degree.

Whether you stayed or not, one major goal is to help the children realize that the discord they experienced was not a normal home environment, that you do not want them to choose their future adult relationships based on what they experienced with a dysfunctional parent, which also made theirs a dysfunctional childhood.

[Stuck udxBPD]

Thank you, hiiumaa.  In fact you have so much to offer. While I would never wish this on anyone, it does offer some peace that I am not alone.

Thank you for sharing your experience and I’m so sorry you had to go through it. Your strength is powerful.

[Stuck udxBPD]

Hi, ForeverDad,

Of course you’re right.  It doesn’t really matter but I do get tripped up in trying to understand.

What I’ve continued to expose my kids to is my greatest shame and the worst thing I’ve ever done.

I’m so scared to take next steps bc I know the turmoil, assaults (I don’t expect physical but emotional and verbal like none other) and just pure chaos that will come with it.  I don’t have the strength or energy but I also wonder how much of my physical/health issues are related to the stress I’ve been under.

I saw on another post someone describe not ever having a clear thought bc everyday was just navigating whatever dysregulation was happening or fear of what was going to happen next and the managing in an attempt to avoid another meltdown.  It’s exhausting and confusing. I just want peace.

Thank you for your thoughtful reply.

[Stuck udxBPD]

For the first 15 years everything seemed much more typical highs and lows. But likely a lot of denial and just trying to fix whatever the issue was. I was very naive and didn’t really understand.

Then I started to understand but simply didn’t have the tools to manage.  Unfortunately life took some turns and my focus was elsewhere.

At this point, I just feel like I am entitled to peace. I am by no means perfect and I have plenty of quirks that may be irritating but I doubt more than most people.

Today our dog pulled me (he’s very strong, stronger than me) and my husband yelled for me to let go but he was pulling in the opposite direction and it took me a couple of seconds to get my hand out — just long enough that he dragged me into the door frame and I banged up my hip pretty bad. Bruised and really sore. 

Now I think he was trying to help when he told me to let go but after (stuff got knocked over) he was more concerned with the dog and didn’t even ask me if I was okay. He also kept opening the door so our indoor cat would get out — he shouldn’t but he doesn’t like the cat so it was a “punishment” for my mistreatment of the dog (there was none, btw).

When I pulled him aside later to tell him I got hurt and that my feelings were hurt, he got very angry.  Mind you I got no further than saying I got hurt and he told me I needed to do better with the dog and that I just wanted attention.  I’d rather sit in the corner with no attention and without a painful, bruised leg. 

I don’t really have a question here but just sad that after all this time, I mean less than a dog.  Says a lot.

[hiiumaa]

Hi Stuck udxBPD,

I fully understand what you are saying. In the beginning of the relationship, I tried to understand what he was doing and why he behaved to me like he did. I read everything about bpd and npd and listend to every video I could find. And yes - I understand a lot of his defenses now. And for a while I thought that this knowledge would help me to stay with him.

But now I think, that ForeverDad is right… so sad it is. It doesn‘t matter if you understand or not or if he is doing it conscious not. He does it. And you feel the effects of it in your body - because your nerval system sees it as dangerous.


I had three BPD‘s in my life ( says a lot about me… ). The first was the mother of a friend of my son. She was diagnosed and treated - and she told me, that she has both: Acting out and being mean very conscious- wanting to hurt the partner or friend. Or likes suddenly starting an autopilot - she didn‘t want to act out but could‘t stop it.

I think, I know the feeling you describe of not enough energy to start leaving him. I have cptsd and know the feeling of „I can‘t do it“. But I remember when I left my sons father: Because I was not only fighting for me, but also fighting for my son, the energy was there! Afterwards… Well…you can imagine… I was at my end. But I recovered and it was the best decision I have made to leave him.

[Under The Bridge]

I don’t have the strength or energy but I also wonder how much of my physical/health issues are related to the stress I’ve been under.

I saw on another post someone describe not ever having a clear thought bc everyday was just navigating whatever dysregulation was happening or fear of what was going to happen next and the managing in an attempt to avoid another meltdown.  It’s exhausting and confusing. I just want peace.

Your existing physical health issues will most certainly have been affected by your current situation; stress is a killer, however it is caused. We can't take painkillers for it, like a conventional illness either; it's just there niggling at us all the time in our subconcious and doing damage.

In my own four-year relationship with a BPD my stress levels sky rocketed, even though I was a very easy-going guy then and never let anything in life get to me. Then you find yourself waiting for your partner to turn up for a night out and all you can think about is 'Is she going to be okay tonight or will she kick off again?'. Not the frame of mind you should be in.

The whole relationship became one huge stress-fest, which is why I eventually ended it. I have no doubt I saved my sanity - when I later dated non-BPD girls with no drama the relief was massive.

Take care of yourself regarding stress levels as it can lead to anything.