Do you ever....Lie?

[Flora and Fauna]

Do you ever tell folks your adult daughter or son IS coming home for the holidays, just so you won't have to hear the pity in other's voices, when you tell them they are not coming home?

For example, Thanksgiving rolls around and people start talking about where they're going or who is coming home etc. I try my best to steer clear of those conversations, but it's not always easy. When co-workers or people you don't see often ask you if your adult son or daughter is coming home for the holidays, have you ever just lied and said "yes," because you wanted to avoid the look in their eyes (pity, confusion, maybe even judgement) that your son or daughter isn't naturally interested in being with you or coming home for the holidays?

Side note: there's no particular drama, daughter just keeps us as arms-length. She's an actor - and we're invited to see performances. She will randomly reach out, and we help pay bills, so there's that. Yet she never really wishes to be around us. At times, she'll end "short" phone calls with "love you."  So I think it's as good as it can possibly get, but woefully and painfully short of what I wish it would be.

I'm often sad enough about it - to where I don't want the added "hurt" of having someone else sad for me. I already feel pathetically sad about things and frankly very envious of other "normal" families. In years past, I've just said she wasn't coming home, indicated she was going somewhere else, and tried to sound upbeat and light-hearted about it...but the idea of doing that year after year...wow. I truly wish I just didn't care. In time, I plan to work more on having other interests. I wish I could find ways to move past the hurt and disappointment each year. I mean, it's September, and I'm already thinking about trying to mitigate my feelings for the holidays, months from now.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi there,

My initial take on this question is that the little white lie doesn't really matter--what matters is your general disappointment, maybe grief, at not having a close, "normal" relationship with your adult daughter because of BPD.

My guess is that when people ask about your holiday plans, they are likely trying to make nice conversation.  They might even be vying for an opportunity to divulge their own amazing plans for holidays--not necessarily to rub it in, but to share their joy and enthusiasm.  Because of your own strained relationship with your daughter, the stark comparison could wear you down. 

I think it's fine to tell a little white lie.  You could think of it as a lesser evil, because people probably don't want to learn the truth:  that you're saddened by your daughter's absence during the holidays.  Talking about your strained relationship isn't what people want to hear when they ask about your plans, and so in a way, you're being kind to them by replying in the expected way.  If you can't bear to lie, then maybe you say something vague, like you haven't finalized plans yet, or that maybe she'll come.  But my suspicions are that you're deeply hurt, not by the lie, but by your daughter staying away.  And that's OK, too.  If you're lucky, maybe you have one or two confidants that would understand where you're coming from.  We certainly do on this site.

Another thing to keep in mind is that the holidays come with lots of stress, and stress can exacerbate BPD symptoms.  If you read these boards, I think you'll find all sorts of references to meltdowns provoked by holidays.  Maybe your daughter is staying away during the holidays because she's trying to prevent her own meltdowns.  She knows that seeing happy family members is triggering to her, and so, in a way, she's protecting herself (and you) by keeping her distance.  Does that ring any bells in your situation?

My adult stepdaughter with BPD hasn't spent holidays with extended family (other than her dad and me) for several years now.  What we do is invite her to all family gatherings, but we let her decide how much contact she can handle.  Our invitations will be along these lines:  "You're welcome to joins us for Thanksgiving, and we expect your siblings, aunts, uncles and grandma to come for dinner at 3 PM, but we'll be serving hors d'oeuvres all day if you prefer to stop by earlier.  Of course, you're welcome to visit on Friday, Saturday or Sunday for leftovers, any time."  To date, she's generally visited after Thanksgiving for leftovers, once her relatives have left.  My thinking is that she doesn't have enough self-confidence yet to face her extended family.  My best guess is that she won't have enough self-confidence to face them until she finishes her studies and has found a full-time job.  My hope is that once she achieves these goals, she'll feel more like an adult, her self-confidence will improve, and she'll be more ready to mend the strained relationships with her extended family, in small doses.  At least that's my hope.

All the best to you.

[Flora and Fauna]

Hi there,

My initial take on this question is that the little white lie doesn't really matter--what matters is your general disappointment, maybe grief, at not having a close, "normal" relationship with your adult daughter because of BPD.

My guess is that when people ask about your holiday plans, they are likely trying to make nice conversation.  They might even be vying for an opportunity to divulge their own amazing plans for holidays--not necessarily to rub it in, but to share their joy and enthusiasm.  Because of your own strained relationship with your daughter, the stark comparison could wear you down. 

I think it's fine to tell a little white lie.  You could think of it as a lesser evil, because people probably don't want to learn the truth:  that you're saddened by your daughter's absence during the holidays.  Talking about your strained relationship isn't what people want to hear when they ask about your plans, and so in a way, you're being kind to them by replying in the expected way.  If you can't bear to lie, then maybe you say something vague, like you haven't finalized plans yet, or that maybe she'll come.  But my suspicions are that you're deeply hurt, not by the lie, but by your daughter staying away.  And that's OK, too.  If you're lucky, maybe you have one or two confidants that would understand where you're coming from.  We certainly do on this site.

Another thing to keep in mind is that the holidays come with lots of stress, and stress can exacerbate BPD symptoms.  If you read these boards, I think you'll find all sorts of references to meltdowns provoked by holidays.  Maybe your daughter is staying away during the holidays because she's trying to prevent her own meltdowns.  She knows that seeing happy family members is triggering to her, and so, in a way, she's protecting herself (and you) by keeping her distance.  Does that ring any bells in your situation?


All the best to you.

I hope I'm responding to your kind reply properly...it was interesting - when I went to the board to read it, I couldn't find it, but the link an the automatic email brought me to your response.   Thank you for your take on this, it is helpful to frame this as her "not coming" as possibly being a way to protect herself...and also for me to be to reminded that folks are often eager to share their own plans, and are often just making conversation about the holidays. True in many cases. There are the folks who would truly want to know - and they're a bit harder for me to get past without sharing her real intentions/plans. In time, I'm going to have to somehow learn to be comfortable with the reality, as best I can.

[js friend]

Hi Flora and fauna,

When people enquire about the whereabouts of my udd I just tell them that she is has 3 kids and that she is busy. Both statements are true and often stop them in their tracks from asking any further questions.

At first it felt uncomfortable when people would ask about udd and I would just say that she is ok.  If someone asked me now whether udd is coming for the holidays I say either that I dont know or that we havent discussed it (both are true)

We have  been estranged for 5years now and the first 2years were definitely the hardest, but I found alot of different ways to fill my time and keep my distracted and busy which helped. It also helps to know that we are not alone on this estrangement journey. I personally know 2 other parents who no longer have any kind of r/s with their adult child.

[js friend]

*my mind distracted

[Pook075]

When I'm in that position, I just say, "My daughter has other plans with friends and family."

Adult kids are generally married or in a relationship, and as such they have two sets of relatives to visit for holidays, young kids with school events, varying work schedules, etc.  There's no reason to lie because I sometimes don't see my kids even when everyone wants to get together.

[PearlsBefore]

I'm jealous - I wish I could just lie, - to be honest I'm probably somewhere on the autism spectrum, though never diagnosed, because I'm pretty much pathologically unable to lie. It might just stem from having been raised in a very invalidating environment and therefore having learned to discard others' opinions from a young age - not sure.

Either way, I can't lie - like when she'd ask if I thought she'd ever get better, or if I'd ever abandon her, or if I think she's a good person - I just blurt out the honest truth. If I'm lucky I remember to sandwich it between two compliments or something to ease the harshness, but yeah...

And it's the same going the other direction, if talking to outsider normies who don't understand life surrounded by Borderline Personality Disorder...if they ask if she's X or Y...it's much more likely I'll regretfully trauma-dump on them than lie.

At most I'll get dismissive, "It is what it is", as men say.

[Flora and Fauna]

I'm jealous - I wish I could just lie, - to be honest I'm probably somewhere on the autism spectrum, though never diagnosed, because I'm pretty much pathologically unable to lie. It might just stem from having been raised in a very invalidating environment and therefore having learned to discard others' opinions from a young age - not sure.

Either way, I can't lie - like when she'd ask if I thought she'd ever get better, or if I'd ever abandon her, or if I think she's a good person - I just blurt out the honest truth. If I'm lucky I remember to sandwich it between two compliments or something to ease the harshness, but yeah...

And it's the same going the other direction, if talking to outsider normies who don't understand life surrounded by Borderline Personality Disorder...if they ask if she's X or Y...it's much more likely I'll regretfully trauma-dump on them than lie.


In a way, I think it's freeing that you're unable to lie. I'm not necessarily good at it....my heart isn't in it, if that's a good way to put it. It sometimes feels like it's an easy way out.

I definitely look out for people who I think can easily understand my experience. SO much easier when someone gets it. If I determine that a person doesn't have a clue of what life is like outside of the "norm," then I actually try to steer clear....too much mental energy to try and explain. Not to say they're not wonderful people...I just feel the need to protect myself from getting judged or hurt.


At most I'll get dismissive, "It is what it is", as men say.