Giving in...

[50andwastedlife]

I have been with my dbpdh for 23 years and it has always been difficult, obviously. But since I have been working out of the house it has been MUCH worse. He has terrible abandonment issues, and it literally turns him into the raging toddler the minute I leave the house; plus it is literally templated by his sexually abusive mother then going and working in his father's workplace and leaving him at home alone at too young an age... When it was a question of me visiting family or going to the toddler group it was bad enough but just about manageable. But work has been the tipping point.

We live in a village with no public transport and he can't drive, so he can claim that it is rational not to be able to be left in "solitary confinement" all day. (I work 3, 8-hour days a week in the office, which to his is the vast majority of the week, especially as he doesn't count time with me as being with me if our daughter is present.) He spends hours on the phone to people, sees many people and does many things, but doesn't count any of them...if I am not there doing whatever he wants to do, he feels alone and abandoned. Last night he dragged our 16yo daughter into the conversation, asking her if she wanted to move house, and when she said no, said that I would have to work from home in that case.

(I don't mind working from home per se, but it's harder to do my job,  and he hates me working from home because he feels invaded.)

Today he's saying he doesn't want me anywhere near him so I might as well be at work.

This push and pull is driving me mad, and I want to quit the job just to stay sane, but I can't afford it. I can't even tell what is the "right" thing to do or what I want. Is it giving in to work from home? Is it giving in not to? Would it be giving in to quit altogether? Would giving in be so bad if it ended this torment???

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

That's so tough and I remember going through the same thing at times with my BPD ex-wife.  Hopefully you can see a little bit past all this though to realize that he's unhappy with himself and he's passing the blame onto you.

If you only stopped going to work, he'd be happy.  But what happens when you don't have money to do stuff anymore?  Do you think he'd still be happy? 

So I'll spin the question around- what makes you happy?  That's where the focus should be.

[Notwendy]

You know that quitting your job and staying home won't make him happy. It's his own internal emotions that are doing this for him, not anything you are doing. If the sourse is emotional abuse as a child, that isn't in your power to repair his trauma for him.

In addition, I will propose that it is better for your own mental health to be working outside the home. Jobs provide more than income. There's a sense of accomplishment, interactions with other people,  and another "reality" that isn't influenced by BPD thinking.

My (late) parents were married for decades. BPD wasn't known at the time they married so there weren't resources to manage it. My father chose the path of appeasement and giving in to BPD mother. It was what he thought he needed to do. It didn't make her happy. He had a productive professional life and I think this was a boundary BPD mother had to accept - he was the wage earner in the family. Besided the income, the job provided interactions with work colleagues and another focus besides the issues at home.

Home was different. At home, the focus was BPD mother's feelings. When my father retired and was at home, he was then available all the time for BPD mother's feelings and needs. Like your H, BPD mother didn't drive and looked to him for her needs. It didn't solve her emotional issues and he didn't have the outlet he had at work.

If giving in to all the feelings and needs of the pwBPD was the path to a happy relationship, there'd be no need for this board. Many posters come here to this board because they have been giving in, and the pwBPD is still having their issues and behaviors. This is because giving in to the extent that we give up important aspects of ourselves is actually enabling the behaviors - they continue and also this extent of giving in doesn't lead to happiness for the partner. While every relationship includes some accommodating each other- the advice for someone in this situation is to maintain some boundaries and not to give up all aspects of themselves. Albeit- it's a challenge to do this sometimes.

From my own observations, I would caution you to not give up your job away from home. I don't think it was good for my father emotionally to lose that outlet and it didn't solve my mother's issues from BPD. Your job is a part of your life that is both essential to your family income and to you as a person.

Even with his issues, your H is an adult. Understandable that he doesn't like being home alone all day stuck in the house. There needs to be other solutions besides you also being home alone with him all day and there to manage his feelings,  but he needs to be willing to seek them out too.

Another issue for your H being at home all day is lack of purpose. Nobody would be happy being stuck at home with no outlets. Still, leaving your job to work at home would not be the solution. Being in a situation where he can also have an outlet and purpose could be, if he was willing to or able to manage that.

If he isn't willing to look at other social outlets, it may be that this suits him emotionally in some way. Although my BPD mother did some social things, she tended to be reclusive, so encouraging socializing sometimes didn't work. Moving may or may not be a solution, even if he's focused on it. We moved several times for my father's job and BPD mother still had BPD wherever. However, she did learn to make use of taxis and Uber to get out of the house if she wanted to.

[CC43]

Hi there,

I happen to agree with Notwendy. I think your job is essential, giving you needed money and purpose, as well as a break from your man!  Staying home with him all day would only make matters worse in my opinion, as he would feed on your indulgence of his whims and end up demanding even more, and more unreasonable things over time.

It sounds to me like he needs to get a life. By the way, I know a handful of adults who don’t drive or own a car, but that doesn’t stop them from getting out of the house. They use taxis, scooters, bikes, walking and car sharing. Where there’s a will, there’s a way. I bet your husband is full of excuses, right?  He’s not very resourceful, is he?  Maybe you have to show him what can work.

It sounds to me like your man would benefit from his own part-time gig, paid or volunteer. What is he good at?  That’s where I’d start. You might have to suggest some options (with genuine  enthusiasm) for him. But with some luck you might land on something that engages him and gets some of his focus off you. My husband became a docent of a museum specialized in an area he loves. Being a docent is akin to teaching. Could your husband tutor anyone?  Help pet sit?  Anything?