How to survive a parent with BPD?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My mom has borderline personality disorder. I always knew that she was different from everyone else's moms but I never really understood what it was that made her different. In a way, she made me feel as though I were responsible for her happiness and if I did anything that she didn't like or agree with then it was the end of the world and she would threaten to leave my siblings and me with our step dad and make sure I knew that it was my fault. I always felt responsible for her and now that I'm an adult with my own child to take care of it's becoming increasingly more difficult to maintain my relationship with her. She is getting worse and I want her to get help but any time I bring it up she loses it and says that I'm just calling her crazy and that I'm saying that she isn't allowed to have emotions. I NEED someone to hear me because she won't and I don't know what to do. I love her of course but I can't keep living this way.

[Sarlen]

My mom has borderline personality disorder. I always knew that she was different from everyone else's moms but I never really understood what it was that made her different. In a way, she made me feel as though I were responsible for her happiness and if I did anything that she didn't like or agree with then it was the end of the world and she would threaten to leave my siblings and me with our step dad and make sure I knew that it was my fault. I always felt responsible for her and now that I'm an adult with my own child to take care of it's becoming increasingly more difficult to maintain my relationship with her. She is getting worse and I want her to get help but any time I bring it up she loses it and says that I'm just calling her crazy and that I'm saying that she isn't allowed to have emotions. I NEED someone to hear me because she won't and I don't know what to do. I love her of course but I can't keep living this way.

[Harri]

hi Sarlen and welcome.  I am so sorry to hear about the on going difficulties with your mother. 

We hear you.  So many of us here have or had the same struggles and share the same frustrations, anguish and struggle with responsibility for ourselves and family vs. taking care of the dysfunctional mother we were raised to put first.

My mother used to threaten abandonment, and would actually walk out.  She would also punish herself when I did something wrong and as a result the whole family suffered because of me.

Again, I am glad you found us.  We get it.  Post as you feel the need and read.  There are many resources available, but take it easy.  It is easy o get overwhelmed and burnt out.

Hope to see more of you.  Be well.

[SpinsC]

Hi, Sarlen.

Wow, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Yes, having a name for all that you know you went through can help, some. At least, if it has a name, that means you're not alone being the child of someone with this.

My mother wasn't so extreme with me. That's the thing, there is no one way to be BPD and no one way to cope with someone who has BPD.

The first thing I would like to express is to stop trying to get your mother to see what you see and to get help. The thing about good therapy is one has to WANT to be there for it to have a hope of doing good. You've asked, she's refused, drop the subject.

The other thing is to read up on boundaries. These are your core values that you cannot tolerate anyone violating. Your Mom has taught you to consider everyone else first - especially her. That doesn't work when you are the mother. So, what truths do you hold to be self-evident? List them out, write them many ways, think about them some more. When you've changed them from - you change YOUR behavior or else - rules to - Behave how you want, when this happens I will not tolerate it and will do X to remove myself from that - boundaries, it's time to implement them.

Some have had success with going no contact for awhile. Others were able to keep up contact, but very limited. Still others have been able to establish boundaries while in full contact with their BPD relatives. I had to go NC for two years and I still remain very low contact.

One thing is for certain - you do NOT have to put up with your mother acting in any way disrespectful of you as a person or as a mother. When you doubt what your rights are as a daughter, look to your child. Would you expect your child to put up with that from you, just because you're Mom? If not, that's a boundary, or at least a rule.

Last thing, repeat after me: I didn't cause it (her BPD). I can't change it (her behavior or her BPD). I can't control it (her behavior or her BPD). I am not responsible for my mother, her emotions or her behavior. I am only responsible for my own. Even my child is responsible for his/her behavior, I am only responsible for teaching and modeling to him/her what I expect.

On the positive side, after I figured out my boundaries and began living them out around her (because you don't have to state boundaries, you just do as you promised yourself you would do if they get crossed) and began trying to have a relationship with her, we are able to be in the same space again. It's still uncomfortable for me, even when she 'behaves'. I keep expecting her to slip back into that emotional vortex sucking me back in. Yet, because I love her, it is also good to see her and figure out how she's doing. I hope the same can be said for you, too.