DO I HAVE DISORDER ALSO ?

[Milatuo]

Hello …

Thank You for welcoming me …

I have husband who has untreated BPD …
He is man who not easy to talk with, not easy to be friend with also, unsocial person , not friendly, but he really has good heart actually ( SO MUCH GOOD HEART ) …

First we met, he so adore me like crazy and take me to go many places and like to please me …

From first time , i know that he a workhard and many times work abroad …

But from time to time , he more and more rare spend time be with me …
All the time just work abroad and he not so sweet as before …
And im also know that he like to do “UNNECESSARY LIE” ( easy answer for every question i ask him )

His reason to answer “SMALL LIE” just because of :
1. Wanna exit quick
2. Not important question for him ( But that important for me because i try to communicate with him )

But because of this “SMALL LIE” and makes me don’t trust him and we always have problems also regarding that …

Then im complaining that im always alone , i miss him also …
I miss my husband who always act like guardian angel when he work abroad …
And he less and less sweet to me like first time …
Also not check on me many time like before also …
Then im complaining many times that why he change?
Why u always leave me alone ?

When im complaining, he said :
YOU CAN HAVE OTHER MAN, it’s better for u …
He should know that actually he not for relationship …
He think, with marriage can make him get better life ,but its wrong …
Then he blame me all the time also and think I never grateful …

But when he normal, he will said : I DON’T WANNA LOSE U ACTUALLY, but somehow better for u to leave me because i will destroy your life …

Other reason that he many time leave me alone because :
He said , he need to always earn money …
He afraid if he don’t have money or lose job …
He always try so hard to please other peoples especially peoples who work with him …

But , when i ask for allllll my wish/all my want, its always go through argue and fight …
He don’t want to please me as i want …

He said “u can do many things without me”…
He dont wanna do many things with me anymore like before ( Travelling, drive somewhere, go supermarket , etc )

He said now so lazy to do everything which what i like ( and we do that before many time )

I feel he never HOLD ME like im precious and important for him …
I feel like unwanted so much by him …
I feel like im too obsessed to him and i feelnsometimes scare with myself …
I feel like insecure also …
I feel like always feel alone because he leaves me many times …

Do i have disorder also ?
Do i have problems also ?
I feel like im so frustrated so much …
Do i wrong if i ask his time for me ?
I need him to give me attention also ..
I need him to just spend time with me also …

Am i too complicated woman ?
Never understand him what he want and what he wanna do ?

Does our marriage destroy already ?

I really need help also …

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi Milatuo and

So much of your story is so familiar -- when things are good, especially at the start, life is really good, but when things are bad, life is really bad. Like you said, at the start of the relationship, he adored you like crazy, but over time, the conflict increased. I'm sorry you're going through that pain.

While it isn't inevitable that the marriage is destroyed -- couples have come back from similar challenges -- it is certainly a difficult situation.

A good place to start is working on your own health. We are the only persons we can control. We can't control our partners -- not how they think, feel, or act. But we can control ourselves and improve our own mental, physical, and emotional health. That can in turn change the relationship.

You mention this question:

Do i have disorder also ?
Do i have problems also ?

Whether you do or don't, getting mental health support from a counselor or therapist can only help in your situation. It's really normal to see a counselor or therapist, even if you don't have a personality disorder. It might give you peace of mind to get an assessment from a professional, and to know what your issues truly are, so you don't worry about what-ifs and can focus on improving yourself instead.

Do you think that's something you could try?

Let us know how the last few days have been for you, and again, welcome;

kells76

[Elitevaz]

What you are asking for in the relationship is very normal and healthy. I think most people want a partner like this if they way want relationship life, not party life.

[Milatuo]

After two years, I've reopened this forum. And it turns out there's been a response. Thank you, and once again, I apologize for the late response.

Thank You for Responses…


I'm still with my husband, who has untreated BPD. I'm still the same, just asking for his time. But he's increasingly immersed in his work. Because he's often abroad, we mostly communicate via WhatsApp. This WhatsApp connection leads to numerous misunderstandings, especially with his black-and-white thinking. Is it true that when I ask for attention, he takes it as criticism and judges me as terrible, which leads to him distancing himself further as a defense mechanism?

[ForeverDad]

None of us are perfect - neither you, your spouse, me nor others here and elsewhere.  After all, we weren't built on a factory assembly line.  We are influenced by our genetics, childhood, environment and experiences in life.  Yet in general most do try to be "reasonably normal" despite some hopefully minimal issues.  Part of being reasonably normal is to look for the positives in our lives and relationships.

Sadly, some people such as persons with Borderline traits experience (euphoric) up and (negative) down cycles.  They get easily triggered and easily shift into seeing everything in negatives.  It's hard for then to regulate those negative, self-oriented feeling and look outside themselves.

The fact that you asked this question makes it likely that you are not seriously disordered.  Yet, as mentioned above, none of us are perfect - we all have quirks, mannerisms and whatnot - so we can always reflect on who we are and how we can improve in the future.  Not to beat ourselves down, but to look forward with goals.