Does my soon to be ex husband fit the criteria?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

First off, thank you for reading.

I have been married to my husband for 5 years now. It has been the most chaotic 5 years of my life. Emotional abuse was OBVIOUS. But that being said, my own intuition has been compromised. This past December/January, my husband demanded a final divorce. Five months prior, he also demanded a divorce. And he has demanded a divorce since the day we got married. I suspect he has BPD, or a mental illness, but its hard to figure out. I doubt myself a lot, due to the abuse. I forgot to mention that he is diagnosed with Combat PTSD from serving in war. I always noticed that he differed from his comrades who also suffered PTSD. My husbands was over-the-top. My husband was also abused as a child, and his mom shows traits of BPD or Narcissism. The two are similar in ways so I have difficulty really self diagnosing them.

I want to believe I am codependent. In the past, I would be so hurt by the divorce demands, because I never knew whn it would truly happen. Well, it finally happened after 5 years. We would go through the classic cycle - he would hate me, then love me. And it went on & on, plus emotional abuse. I was told over the course of our marriage that he was only with me for our daughter, but when he was in a good mood & loved me, he would say that he never means those things and he does love me. But when he was mad at me, he would say he just said that because he knew i wanted to hear that. So I could never figure it out, and I developed anxiety. He had childish bevahiors, such as needing attention and recognition. He would go as far as farting childishly at work, just to get a positive reaction from co-workers, and they are professionals that work for the government. He would do anything for applause or positive feedback. He would boast non-stop about how superior he was, how much he had in common with the Hulk, how fast he could ride his bike (we lived in LA, and he commuted w/bicycle.) The list goes on and on. Not to mention his constant nagging when he had body aches… I would have to listen ALL day EVERYDAY about how much his body hurt & how he would have to do stretches non-stop. ANother creepy thing he would do, which i noticed, was that he would feed off of peoples personalities - he would seriously adapt their behavior. He changed his laugh - he started laughing like his friend that he looks up to. I understand we all learn from each other, but this is different. He would turn into the people around him. When I found a new interest, it suddenly became his as well. I get that we are married but then I started talking less & less about my interest because i felt like i had to protect my identity. What made me most angry was when he would tell me that he had conversations with other people about MY interest and how they thought he (my husband) was soo awesome for knowing that. It really seemed like he needed constant applauding. My husband would also, strange as this sounds, start acting like Trump. I know this is odd and please bare with me. My husband was abused by his mother, and it was emotional, which I think its terrible. He developed a trust issue with women, plus he watched his buddies commit suicide in Afghanistan when their fiancee would break up with them in the middle of war. So safe to say he disrespected women. My husband was Trumps #1 fan, and we know the stigma attached to trump and the women issue. Oddly, when Trump got elected, my husband warped into someone else. He became a proud and loud woman hater, and seriously kept talking crap about women, making little jabs here & there and towards me for being a woman. It was odd, and we are familiar with Trump and his interpretation of the Mentally Challenge boy he was speaking about, when he made fun of him with the inappropriate imitation with his hands. Well, my husband never did that before and all of a sudden he started doing that when he was speaking about anyone (which is everyone) that he thinks it stupid. ITs odd!
My husband is childish. I stopped reacting to everything and I started just saying Ok when he wanted a divorce over and over, and he would also harass me in our home & lecture me and belittle me & predict my horrible future, but I would just not react or say anything but OK. And here we are, divorcing. He had the guts to sit in front of me and my DAUGHTER and drill me and explain to me (for the 100th time), of the reasons why he's divorcing me. It was like an obsession for him to repeatedly tell me! But anyway he had the balls to do that in front of our daughter, completely ignore my request to stop (which is not new), and he said "I AM LEAVING YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE AN ABUSER' I was shocked. What the hell? Thats #1 not appropriate to say in front of our daughter #2 That is a false allegation which leads me to #3 you're trying to manipulate how she thinks of me. I bought plane tickets and left. And we are separated.
Which leads me to his parenting skills. He chalks it up to PTSD, but he smokes marijuana 24/7, even though he hold a Federal Job. I always thought I was being a nut, but I couldn't stand his parenting skills. He never was a dad, always a friend. He never taught her anything, or bought her a single present in her life for her bday or christmas. When I brought that up, he accused me of manipulating her into hating him, when it had nothing to do w/her, and he wanted a DIVORCE. Anytime he had to be a dad, he would have to smoke constantly. It was always really forced. The only time he started taking her to the park was while we were divorcing the final time.
Another issue is he has never been one to take blame. I am the reason for all hell in his life. I am also the reason why he smokes weed… And i am the reason for the divorce. He serisouly thrives off of pity…everyone of his friends and his coworkers think I am crazy, and poor poor him. While I am raising our daughter SOLO, he's out having fabulous dinners and looking so happy.
I mean, does he fit the criteria? I was no angel, at one point I would fight back and honestly give him a taste of his medicine but that was long ago, and now that I pulled myself out, I really believe somethings wrong with him. Oh, and, I am being granted full physical custody!

thanks xoxo

[mama-o]

First off, thank you for reading.

I have been married to my husband for 5 years now. It has been the most chaotic 5 years of my life. Emotional abuse was OBVIOUS. But that being said, my own intuition has been compromised. This past December/January, my husband demanded a final divorce. Five months prior, he also demanded a divorce. And he has demanded a divorce since the day we got married. I suspect he has BPD, or a mental illness, but its hard to figure out. I doubt myself a lot, due to the abuse. I forgot to mention that he is diagnosed with Combat PTSD from serving in war. I always noticed that he differed from his comrades who also suffered PTSD. My husbands was over-the-top. My husband was also abused as a child, and his mom shows traits of BPD or Narcissism. The two are similar in ways so I have difficulty really self diagnosing them.

I want to believe I am codependent. In the past, I would be so hurt by the divorce demands, because I never knew whn it would truly happen. Well, it finally happened after 5 years. We would go through the classic cycle - he would hate me, then love me. And it went on & on, plus emotional abuse. I was told over the course of our marriage that he was only with me for our daughter, but when he was in a good mood & loved me, he would say that he never means those things and he does love me. But when he was mad at me, he would say he just said that because he knew i wanted to hear that. So I could never figure it out, and I developed anxiety. He had childish bevahiors, such as needing attention and recognition. He would go as far as farting childishly at work, just to get a positive reaction from co-workers, and they are professionals that work for the government. He would do anything for applause or positive feedback. He would boast non-stop about how superior he was, how much he had in common with the Hulk, how fast he could ride his bike (we lived in LA, and he commuted w/bicycle.) The list goes on and on. Not to mention his constant nagging when he had body aches… I would have to listen ALL day EVERYDAY about how much his body hurt & how he would have to do stretches non-stop. ANother creepy thing he would do, which i noticed, was that he would feed off of peoples personalities - he would seriously adapt their behavior. He changed his laugh - he started laughing like his friend that he looks up to. I understand we all learn from each other, but this is different. He would turn into the people around him. When I found a new interest, it suddenly became his as well. I get that we are married but then I started talking less & less about my interest because i felt like i had to protect my identity. What made me most angry was when he would tell me that he had conversations with other people about MY interest and how they thought he (my husband) was soo awesome for knowing that. It really seemed like he needed constant applauding. My husband would also, strange as this sounds, start acting like Trump. I know this is odd and please bare with me. My husband was abused by his mother, and it was emotional, which I think its terrible. He developed a trust issue with women, plus he watched his buddies commit suicide in Afghanistan when their fiancee would break up with them in the middle of war. So safe to say he disrespected women. My husband was Trumps #1 fan, and we know the stigma attached to trump and the women issue. Oddly, when Trump got elected, my husband warped into someone else. He became a proud and loud woman hater, and seriously kept talking crap about women, making little jabs here & there and towards me for being a woman. It was odd, and we are familiar with Trump and his interpretation of the Mentally Challenge boy he was speaking about, when he made fun of him with the inappropriate imitation with his hands. Well, my husband never did that before and all of a sudden he started doing that when he was speaking about anyone (which is everyone) that he thinks it stupid. ITs odd!
My husband is childish. I stopped reacting to everything and I started just saying Ok when he wanted a divorce over and over, and he would also harass me in our home & lecture me and belittle me & predict my horrible future, but I would just not react or say anything but OK. And here we are, divorcing. He had the guts to sit in front of me and my DAUGHTER and drill me and explain to me (for the 100th time), of the reasons why he's divorcing me. It was like an obsession for him to repeatedly tell me! But anyway he had the balls to do that in front of our daughter, completely ignore my request to stop (which is not new), and he said "I AM LEAVING YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE AN ABUSER' I was shocked. What the hell? Thats #1 not appropriate to say in front of our daughter #2 That is a false allegation which leads me to #3 you're trying to manipulate how she thinks of me. I bought plane tickets and left. And we are separated.
Which leads me to his parenting skills. He chalks it up to PTSD, but he smokes marijuana 24/7, even though he hold a Federal Job. I always thought I was being a nut, but I couldn't stand his parenting skills. He never was a dad, always a friend. He never taught her anything, or bought her a single present in her life for her bday or christmas. When I brought that up, he accused me of manipulating her into hating him, when it had nothing to do w/her, and he wanted a DIVORCE. Anytime he had to be a dad, he would have to smoke constantly. It was always really forced. The only time he started taking her to the park was while we were divorcing the final time.
Another issue is he has never been one to take blame. I am the reason for all hell in his life. I am also the reason why he smokes weed… And i am the reason for the divorce. He serisouly thrives off of pity…everyone of his friends and his coworkers think I am crazy, and poor poor him. While I am raising our daughter SOLO, he's out having fabulous dinners and looking so happy.
I mean, does he fit the criteria? I was no angel, at one point I would fight back and honestly give him a taste of his medicine but that was long ago, and now that I pulled myself out, I really believe somethings wrong with him. Oh, and, I am being granted full physical custody!

thanks xoxo

[mama-o]

I am curious, my soon to be ex hasn't been diagnosed, but I suspect he has BPD.

Does anyone connect with this?

My soon to be ex (STBX) had a ridiculous sex drive. It was ridiculous. When we dated we would have sex 4-5 a day.
It calmed down after having a child and marriage. But he would need porn every morning, at one point he mentioned he loves porn and its better than me. And if I denied him sex, due to me being a tired MOM, he would grow angry and carry it into the next day. I never knew what his problem was until I figured it out & he mentioned that we didn't have sex. Is that not childish? It almost put this huge amount of guilt and anxiety since he expressed anger when his needs weren't met.

A few years pass & with the amount of emotional abuse, I just had too much anxiety and really did not want sex. I would still have sex with him, but it was BORING. And of course, I was not into it. He was obsessed with it, it made him feel good? In a very selfish way, it was for his pride. He made it crystal clear that he wanted me to have an orgasm every time so I honestly lost the passion and fun, because I started focusing on how I had to have an orgasm. Basically his needs. And seriously keep in mind that we have a little one who just turned 4 and I was a stay at home mom with NO family around!

Our marriage grew apart… of course it had nothing to do with his emotional abuse, in his eyes, it was the lack of sex! I found it so darn ridiculous that that was his argument. Emotional abuse aside, HE NEEDED SEX. It was seriously priority.

Can anyone relate?

[mama-o]

I noticed a trend with my soon to be ex:

Before any event, he would purposely create the most dramatic and intense argument, just so he could use it as an excuse not to go! For instance, we had planned to go to Vegas to meet up with family. It was a 6 hour drive. We were all packed up and ready to go, and then…. he blows up for no reason, he leaves my daughter & I and he says he's going to Vegas without us. And he's saying a bunch of nonsense and I have no clue where this anger is even coming from. So I spot him loading up his car, and then a few hours go by and suddenly he hasn't left (not surprised) and he wants us to come. I don't think he was ever planning on going by himself, but we were distraught. It was so childish and selfish. The point of Vegas was so our child could meet her grandparents for the first time.

Another instance, was birthday parties! He would agree to go, and on the morning of, he would completely freak out and cause chaos and he would end up not coming. It seriously made no sense.

Are all BPD's afraid of social events? He clearly hated them, not sure why. I ended up going to family parties SOLO w/our child. No sense in creating chaos anymore. And when I did that, of course, he got upset that I did not invite him. At that point, I'm saving myself and my child some chaos & gaining peace. But it never ends does it?

[Elliesue]

Hi Mama-o
I'm new as well here but certain features of what happened to you ring true. The way he turned things around and said you were the  abuser was just what my recent exBPD did. One day I asked him to do a small thing for us and he went off in a huge rant about MY being a bully! Like you I used to fight back but the cycle just kept going round and round with me becoming more and more hurt. He used to return from seeing his family and tell me they had discussed me and decided I was a 'nutter' . It was painful to be scapegoated in this way but also created an illusion that myself and others bought into. He had this behaviour where he would disagree with things just for the response or wind up- if I had an opinion he would challenge or disagree just for the hell of it! Life became crazy making because it was hard to 'know' the person you were living with!

[earlyL]

I can relate to this, I was only with my partner for 2 years, but the sex was incredibly intense. To be honest, I found it quite terrifying and it did feel all about her. In the beginning it was amazing, but I actually didn't look forward to it during the rest of the relationship.

Before I found out she had been cheating, she told me she thought she was  a sex addict and thought about it all the time, this was via a text one morning when she refused to kiss me when she left for work, we had always had a very passionate relationship in my mind. She said her body had shut down with me, because I could no longer fulfil her sexual needs. I felt it was a rather cruel thing to say to someone who you loved and wanted to spend your life with and for me came from nowhere. But in reality I think she was laying the foundations for the reasons to blame me for the affair. The weird thing is she claims not to have had sex with this other woman - they have only kissed, and it has now been three months, so her desperation to have sex, she somehow managed to wait. (I was away for four weeks) Of course, I have no idea if that is true, but I found a letter from the new lover which did back this up.

 It has taken me months to get over the shame of this, but I found a notepad from my ex saying that she felt used the last time we had sex, it had been all about me. I don't think I have ever felt so sick, it was the worst thing ever to read. It has taken me a lot of therapy to even acknowledge she felt this. I can't imagine how she would ever think this of me. Perhaps it is projection and her writing the script to help her with the affair. I would agree it all felt quite selfish, even in the relationship, I desperately try to remember if that is how I felt, or if I am now writing my script to help me move on. I found it strange that within a two year relationship she never mentioned sex and then all of a sudden it was the most important thing, and our emotional connection and lives meant nothing, she just needed sex. The letter from her new lover was all about their deep connection and their incredible emotional connection, and actually didn't mention much of the physical side, so basically I am totally confused.

Sorry, I am not sure this related much with your situation but the childlike behaviour really rings true to me. I never felt that my ex initiated the sex, that it had to come from me, which meant it was all about her. I am sure in their minds it is about being wanted, and if they don't feel that then it is a huge thing to them. It makes me so sad to think that I was with someone like that, it really was never about me. I could have been anyone. It is such a cruel disorder.

[marti644]

Hi Mama-o,

This is classic BPD. My BPD-ex blew up at Christmas about how cheap I was and how crappy my gifts were. She bailed three days before her birthday. They like to inflict maximum damage. It has to do with past bad memories of holidays and an uneasiness about happy times. It also reminds them of commitment and thus engulfment, which makes them run.

[mama-o]

Thank you everyone! It really helps with the healing process to hear from you all who had also suffered! I'm still healing, and I hope in time things really get better. I grew accustomed to the chaos!