16 year old daughter with BPD completely out of control & feeling helpless

[Parents! Get help here!]

I have a 16 year old daughter, she will be 17 in June.   She made a suicide attempt at age 12, since self harming behaviors (cutting), she was hospitalized last year for anorexia, spent the summer in a partial hospitalization program.  She's always been "difficult" and always black and white in her ways of thinking.  The fall of 2016 she began smoking pot, quickly on the road to acid, molly, etc.  Police were at the house more than I would like to admit, including two Mental Health Arrests.  I was recently told she has BPD.  Since she ran away just before Christmas, she returned home, then left to stay with a friend, called CPS, and currently has me in court seeking for custody of her to be granted to a non family member.  The alligations she made to CPS and in court were nothing short of shocking, appauling, etc... .  CPS has cleared all alligations, my daughter's own attorney admitted in court that my daughter "damned herself".  Yet the court is still in process and my daughter is still fighting to have custody given to this other family. 
I honestly do not what to do... .It is only her and I in the home now (my older daughter is off at college), I am seriously afraid of what she may do if I'm left here alone with her, but then what? I sign over custody to a family that really doesn't know her?  I am completely lost and my daughter has manipulated the only family I have that this custody is best for her.  So lost and confused and afraid!

[MemeMom]

I have a 16 year old daughter, she will be 17 in June.   She made a suicide attempt at age 12, since self harming behaviors (cutting), she was hospitalized last year for anorexia, spent the summer in a partial hospitalization program.  She's always been "difficult" and always black and white in her ways of thinking.  The fall of 2016 she began smoking pot, quickly on the road to acid, molly, etc.  Police were at the house more than I would like to admit, including two Mental Health Arrests.  I was recently told she has BPD.  Since she ran away just before Christmas, she returned home, then left to stay with a friend, called CPS, and currently has me in court seeking for custody of her to be granted to a non family member.  The alligations she made to CPS and in court were nothing short of shocking, appauling, etc... .  CPS has cleared all alligations, my daughter's own attorney admitted in court that my daughter "damned herself".  Yet the court is still in process and my daughter is still fighting to have custody given to this other family. 
I honestly do not what to do... .It is only her and I in the home now (my older daughter is off at college), I am seriously afraid of what she may do if I'm left here alone with her, but then what? I sign over custody to a family that really doesn't know her?  I am completely lost and my daughter has manipulated the only family I have that this custody is best for her.  So lost and confused and afraid!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[7babies]

I am brand new here so I don't have any answers but wanted to say you are not alone in your heart ache. I will keep you and your daughter in my thoughts.

[Kwamina]

Hi MemeMom

I am very sorry you are in such a difficult situation with your daughter. You mention that she made a suicide attempt when she was 12, I can imagine that this must have been very tough for you as well. It is a sad reality of BPD that some people with this disorder suffer from suicidal ideation. Did she get any targeted treatment back then for het suicidal ideation? You also mention her cutting. Do you believe her suicidal ideation is something of the past?

You have recently been told she has BPD. Was this by the people treating her?

Dealing with false accusations isn't easy at all. I am glad though that you've been cleared of those allegations. Is your daughter currently still staying with that friend of hers?

I can definitely understand your confusion and fear, BPD is quite a complex disorder indeed and your daughter's behavior is very challenging. I am glad you are reaching out for support here.

Take care and welcome to bpdfamily

The Board Parrot

[Bright Day Mom]

I am so sorry to hear what you and your girl are going thru. 

It sounds as she has quite a mental health history, which may be your saving grace... .hear me out.  Since her mental health history is lengthy/serious, suicide attempt, thoughts, etc.  It should be easy for your attorney to convince the judge she does not need another family/ home to live in, but extensive mental health treatment.  Your D is still only 16 a minor and you are the parent.  With the proper treatment, counselling, medication, perhaps long term residential placement, things can get better. 

We are here to help.

[MemeMom]

Thank you all for your support.  My daughter's attorney, is using my daughters "threats" of suicide if she is forced to return home.  My attorney has advised me to maybe allow custody for 6 months, as if she is forced home, she will probably continue to lie, allege things against me (it is only her and I in the home), that she could possibly continuesly call CPS, etc... .I love and miss her so much!  The truth is she has turned my life upside down (she has turned brother and sister in law,my only family, against me), she is very manipulative.  Even with her gone I am in constant fear of what she "will pull next" to get her way.

[MemeMom]

And yes, she is still with the other family, they petitioned for guardianship with out my knowledge, the evening they petitioned I received a voice mail from the judge that I was to appear in court in two days.  He granted joint custody, them with physical custody before I even stepped foot in the court room.

I have a letter from her therapist of 3 years stating how manipulative she is, his recommendation is "therapeutic foster home", which those are not nice places, filled with other "problemed' teens.  I don't know as that is the best outcome for her either.  She is currently receiving treatment, but how effective will it be assuming it is all based on lies.  I don't know what to do.

[Bright Day Mom]

You are definitely in a tough spot.  I personally would never be able to trust a family that blindsided me with a petition to the court, but that's just me.

Our family had gone thru a very tough time with our DD17 and ultimately had to place her in a residential program for 8 months as a last resort.  The decision wasn't an easy one, but it saved our D's life!  The program was wonderful and built a stronger foundation for our family thru their on-going family sessions, tools, supervision, etc.  We are only a few months post discharge and it has been quite the journey. One thing for sure is the difference is incredible.

Would you consider going to court armed with her mental health history, letter from dr, etc. and have attorney plead the case she needs mental health treatment; not a new home / family?  The court (county) may then be able to assist you in placing her into a program where she can begin the journey of healing and learn the coping skills needed to live with BPD.

My hope is all of our children get the help they need to live peaceful lives.

[MemeMom]

Yes I have contacted a residential program, waiting to hear back from them.  Her therapist, who did write up his letter of recommendation to the court was for "therapeutic foster placement".  Which where we live that would be a juvenile home, I don't have great feelings about that either.

[Bright Day Mom]

I think your attorney can present the court with your valid concerns and ask for assistance from the court.  First,  a continuance in order to find the best level of care, thereby this other family will not be granting custody  / guardianship.

When you say "juvenile home" what does that consist of?  It isn't for delinquent teens? She isn't a criminal and shouldn't be placed with them.

We looked at a number of placements for our D prior to agreeing to admitting.  Some were better than others, but we needed to explore options. I'm not sure what state you are in, do you have a CMO (Care Manager) thru your county?  I am only asking because our CMO was an integral part to placement, follow-up and after care. 

Stay strong, you are doing great