Did he ever care?

[Lalathegreat]

Ok, I'm on like my 5th message today - clearly I'm working through some stuff. Thanks for listening.

How in the heck does it switch so quickly? Last month he was talking about babies. Monday he was upset that I wasn't able to go out of town with him. Last week he was on his knees sobbing about how his bull___ pushes everyone away and please don't leave him. And then by Tuesday a text stating "I assume I've ruined things between us, oh well" and now I sense I have been completely frozen out and he has someone else.

WHAT IN THE FREAKING HECK? Do their emotions really shift that quickly, or did he really not care in the first place? At the end of the day it probably doesn't matter, but not having any clarity or closure on how abrupt this has been is really hard.

[TDeer]

I have no real answer for you, but I'm guessing since they are emotionally disregulated, that they cared, but it wasn't any further than infatuation in many cases. Normal people realize (at least after experience and growing up) that it's tough to stay grounded when you're in the highs of infatuation. You're literally high in a person then. Most of us do feel differently and go up and down and shift ideas and feelings based on events. Today I am bummed because two friends planned weeks ago to come visit. Now I've gone up and down in how I feel. At first I was bummed and angry because I've been looking forward to them coming up here. I was angry because I shifted a lot of my life around for this. I also worry that it's because they secretly don't like me after all. I have to remind myself and live through the bummed out period until I get over it. I distract myself, etc. next time you're upset about something think about all the thoughts you have and your process of sorting things out. You only choose to act on certain things. You can choose to delay a response. You can choose to tolerate feeling awful without flipping out and going on a rampage, even if you're super angry. That's not so possible for BPD. They don't have those skills without therapy and outside training. So, on some level they cared, but they weren't able to push through and use their social skills to help them foster a real relationship. The buffing emotional part may have been there, but they're missing the emotional maturity for real love because love is a habit, a series of choices. Self-denial and discipline are needed for true love in any form. It doesn't mean they didn't have chemical reactions towards you, but that's not real love. I hope that helps.

[Lalathegreat]

Thank you TDeer - I think your explanation is as good as any and probably pretty close. You wouldn't ask a child of 3 years old to emotionally manage a marriage or romantic engagement - the skills simply wouldn't be there. I understand it - I just really wish my heart would get on board so that I could stop feeling so lousy.

[TDeer]

My therapist has told me to accept my pwBPD for what they are, as they are. I was trying detachment, but that doesn't work for me and I didn't understand it either. I can't easily stop caring, and he said attachment didn't make sense for me either.

It was freeing to realize that she's just who she is. I don't have to fix her or do anything except "that's Josie" (fake name). It's helps. I felt like I *shoild* be getting along with her and was embarrassed about that not working, but it's not my fault. She doesn't want to change and I can't control her. It's still hard sometimes and all, but I'm less angry and I can allow myself to see the layers of my own feelings instead of sort of stuffing it just to be fake nice when I don't even see her.

All we can do is try and then at some point step away when they refuse our help or refuse to change or refuse to respect us through respecting boundaries. It's tough because you end up confused on top of all the myriad of emotions they put you through.

[formflier]

Do their emotions really shift that quickly

Yes... .

Many pwBPD feel the "new" emotion so intensely, they likely ... .honestly... .don't remember the "old" emotion... .or at least don't remember it accurately.

The feeling (of their current moment) is so powerful... .that they organize their (facts) (memories) to fit it... .

They will also "externalize" (blame) others for their feelings, therefore... .since YOU made me feel this way... .it is OK for me to treat you abusively... .

Note: Explaining this to THEM... won't help.  Will only hork them off even more.  Perhaps a skilled T can gently lead them through this... .zero chance a non can.

This information is for YOU.

   

FF

[ortac77]

I think as a 'non' it is quite impossible to understand the emotions of a pwBPD. Since I cannot easily relate to that emotional intensity, I cannot do much to help my partner understand it and I have learnt that reacting to it just intensifies the instability and causes me hurt and pain. In his need to lash out he will blame me or others - I get it, the realisation that his pain is his and his illness the cause of it is not possible for him to see.

I cling onto the Al-Anon maxim "I didn't cause it, cannot control it and cannot cure it".

I have genuine compassion, after all we have all been through emotional pain in our lives, the difference as a non is we have tools and we learn to process it and move on. My partner, when in an emotional state, is like a record stuck in a groove, constantly replaying the same track.

He has now started therapy with a DBT specialist, his psychiatrist has also put him on medication, it is his best chance and it has taken years for him to make this decision. I can only hope that he finds some way forward through this.

In the meantime I find that ongoing therapy helps me by giving a safe place for me to manage my own feelings and explore why I have lived a life of always looking to please others rather than myself and in reflecting I find how much the support from these boards, understanding this illness and therapy is helping me day by day to move on with my own life.