Where to begin?

[chefwife]

Hi there... .never joined a message board before but I'm literally at my wit's end. I need strategies or someone to talk some sense into me (believe me, many people have tried and failed -- some of my friends have abandoned me because of the abuse I've withstood by my husband). 

But I feel like I'm starting to lose my mind with my husband -- I don't know what is true and what is false with him; I'm constantly being abandoned and left to deal with the aftermath of his behaviors alone; basically I'm always alone because he literally goes and sleeps outside at least two weeks out of every month. It's usually because I've confronted him about something he's done behind my back that's betrayed my trust (like finding him on dating sites), or we have a misunderstanding/miscommunication that he takes all the way to disaster's edge and completely severs our relationship and tells me he wants to leave me (usually over something HE did). It's ridiculous. This is the craziest relationship I've ever had (and I've had some doozies) but I'm having a hard time understanding how he still has me so sucked in and still feeling sorry for him and giving him chance after chance x1000.

Normally I am quick to cut off people who are disrespectful, disinterested, disloyal and/or disappointing. But this guy is my kryptonite... .I try so hard to leave him but I can't do it. I've filed for divorce twice (we haven't even been married a year). I am not functioning as normally as I did before him -- his behavior is really taking a toll! And I'm still putting him first, loving him more than I love myself at times.

He's an alcoholic, definitely BPD, OCD and who knows what else. And he basically pushes every button I have sending me over the edge by doing things like slashing my tires and never paying me back, etc... .and then charming (he of course when he is not completely ornery, he's literally the sweetest person on Earth) his way back into my life/heart. Only to leave me disappointed and regretful just a few days or weeks later.  

ugh. I wish I was stronger... .I wish I could finally end it but then I get pulled into wanting to fight for our marriage (when really, I'm the only one in the relationship who is doing the fighting for, rather than against, our marriage); try to be more patient with him (and sacrifice myself & sanity in the process); and be a good wife and help him (a person who is not interested in being helped). What am I doing? Am I the problem here? Am I really this codependent?

[heartandwhole]

Hi chefwife,



I'm sorry that you are struggling in your relationship. That kind of stress takes a toll over time. I'm glad that you decided to sign up, because you are definitely not alone. Members here have been in similar situations and understand how hard it can be to manage a relationship like this, let alone make decisions about whether to continue to work on it or not.

We have the strategies you are looking for.    And lots of tools and resources that can make things better for you.

You said you have been married less than a year. How long have you known your husband? Were there problems all along, or did this behavior come up recently?

Keep posting and sharing your story. It really helps. We are here to support you.

heartandwhole

[chefwife]

Thanks for your response

I have been reading through some of the other posts (and they are so eerily similar to what I've been going through, it's amazing) and looking at the tools available -- all so helpful. What a great resource this is.

I've known my husband for more than 2 years. The crazy thing is I brought him to the US from another country and spent a year traveling back and forth every two months to spend time with him. And of course during that year he was pretty amazing, everything was great with his family (who, looking back, were wayyyy too thankful for me to take him off their hands) but he definitely had his shady moments and times where he acted out while we were long distance. He did a lot of disappearing acts where he'd just disappear overnight and tell me he was having wifi problems; we had a ton of issues with social media (him communicating with exes, following questionable women, etc.) and of course since he's a chef who works nights there'd be the occasional mention of some waitress who was flirting with him that would just send me to paranoia's edge. So, basically I could never fully trust him because he was not always transparent; always had an excuse at the ready; was very much too good to be true; plus he's still in his late-20s which is never a good sign . Anyway, I chalked a lot of our issues then to distance, language/miscommunication, misunderstandings and cultural differences. Plus he's Muslim so he comes from a very different upbringing and landscape than I do, sometimes his logic is literally the complete opposite of mine -- a Western perspective -- so I basically gave him a lot of wiggle room out of any compromising situations. I never knew when to trust my gut and kick him to the curb or when to try to be more understanding and empathetic.

And that's kind of the tone that's followed our relationship since. I'm always second-guessing my instincts and giving him chances because I always have a way to rationalize his behaviors -- I can blame it on culture, religion, language, misunderstandings, him adjusting to life in the US -- I literally have a whole palette of excuses for him to choose from.

My biggest question is whether or not he's physically cheated on me. He moved out a few months ago, while we were married, and basically disappeared for an entire week and lived with these male roommates for 4 weeks. During this time he was using a lot of porn and he signed up for Skout, which I call the Walmart of dating sites haha, it's literally the lowest class of people you can find who are very vocal about searching for drugs/sex. I couldn't believe it. Anyway, he was acting very shady during this time and said some pretty revealing things during our fights like "I can cheat on you tonight and I don't even have to leave my apartment!" These are things I cannot unhear and that haunt me.

But then there's also a very anti-social, insecure side to him where I'm like, maybe he WANTED to cheat but COULDN'T due to social anxiety/low-self confidence. He does talk a lot of smack and says outrageous things when he's angry, literally unbelievable things that no other man would have the guts to say to his wife or partner, I mean the things out of this guy's mouth... .so it is a possibility that he was just being an ahole and nothing actually transpired but bottomline is I'll never ever know because he will NEVER tell me. He will take this to his grave I'm sure. So I can never have an honest, adult-to-adult, let's figure this out conversation about this with him because he gets super defensive, starts calling me names and walks out and literally leaves mid-conversation. He cannot take confrontation of any kind. I've tried to sit down with him over dinner with a glass of wine and calmly ask him about the dating sites and his time away and even that turned into a major episode with him walking out and spending the night outside by the pool, blaming me for everything. It's awful... .all I want is peace of mind and a firm understanding of who I'm dealing with and I can't get it. So I play FBI and question him and it's awful. I hate the person he's turned me into.

Of course after a few days of him cooling off, giving me the silent treatment and treating me like I did something to him, he is fine and apologetic and I'm the best thing that ever happened to him and he loves me and could never cheat on me (and then I remind him that he did actually cheat on me emotionally so this is not true) and blah blah blah and I just can't even hear the words coming out of his mouth anymore because he will turn them upside down with his actions in a matter of hours or days. He literally cycles in 60 min increments sometimes, I never know who or what I'm going to be dealing with.

 

[chefwife]

Oh, I forgot to add (and this is important because this is where our trust issues began) that after we were dating about 2 - 3 months I got this Facebook message from some girl in Holland who said that he was her BOYFRIEND and that he broke her heart and she would never be able to face him again. Mind you, they were living in two different countries and it was strictly an internet thing (they had only met once) but his excuse was that she would go weeks without talking to him so she wasn't a girlfriend or anything exclusive. She told me they had plans to marry and he was going to go to Holland to be with her. Wow I about died. He of course said she was lying.

He loves to play super innocent. Especially when it comes to sex/women. He claims to have major lack of experience and extremely limited partners for his age (which is a possibility just simply due to the country/religion he comes from) but he certainly doesn't perform like someone with little experience and of course gave me a (curable) STD the first time I was with him... .

I really wish I could unravel what is real with this guy and what is false. It's a very confusing/frustrating thing to go through to not be able to trust someone because you don't know if they're a pathological liar or if you're just being paranoid. But basically his actions NEVER match his words, he breaks EVERY promise and he has been caught in many lies and cover-ups.  

[Lucky Jim]

Hey chefwife, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.  What makes you think your H has BPD?  The place to start, I suggest, is with yourself.  What are your gut feelings?  What would you like to see happen?  Waiting for your H to change is likely to be a lonely vigil.

LuckyJim

[chefwife]

Hi LuckyJim,

He meets all of the criteria -- cuts himself, suicide threats, antisocial, impulsivity, aggression, depression, severe anger, black & white thinking, deflection of blame, dishonesty, theft, substance abuse (alcoholism), vandalism, destruction of property, extreme mood swings, martyrdom... .I can go on... .I've also had therapists suggest that he has it but he hasn't been officially diagnosed (he doesn't stay in treatment long enough). 

My gut feeling is that this will not get better. It's gotten progressively worse and he's getting bolder with his acting out and sense of entitlement, and his reactions when caught or confronted are increasingly more angry and hostile. He literally shows no empathy and is completely incapable of putting down his pride to show remorse, sympathy or have a thoughtful conversation and act with compassion. Dealing with him is like living with an out-of-control teenager who still throws toddler temper tantrums. It often feels hopeless.

Of course what I'd like to see happen is him to wake up and realize that he needs to stop treating me this way and realize how much I love him, how much I've done for him and how rare a connection like ours is (yes, I know how crazy I sound saying that after listing his symptoms)-- but we've had some amazing, amazing times and mostly operate as best friends, making each other laugh and taking care of each other (we're both givers, until he gets mad and decides to completely shut me out leaving me to do everything by myself including cleaning, repairs, etc.) and are very much alike, almost too much alike in many ways, we live together very harmoniously (until I ask him to take some accountability and then he destroys everything in his path). But I know he loves me and I love him to death, and I know finding something like that is hard... .giving up on him may mean giving up on love and companionship for good. I guess that's my fear... .I have my own fear of abandonment and of being lonely (I spent many years alone and then in awful short-term relationships after I divorced, so I really, really know lonely).

But my fear is also giving up on him and losing someone that is ultimately good, loving, affectionate, helpful and who makes me laugh. It's really, really hard to make this decision. If I end things (which is extremely difficult because he stalks me when I do and always comes back with flowers, an apology and crocodile tears) it also means the possibility of never seeing him again -- he'd have to go back to his country due to immigration. I don't want that to happen and then spend my life regretting it. This has been a big issue for me in terms of cutting him off and moving on. It's the finality of that decision, there's no going back.

[SamwizeGamgee]

Welcome.  I hope the voices on this message board can give you some solid ground to help you judge what is real and not.  Might I make a suggestion to re-read what you have written, thinking as though you were reading a letter from your sister or mom, and see what you would advise.  I know the "heart wants what the heart wants," and sometimes the heart seems to want what is not good for us.  I'm sorry you're in this situation.
Something to think about is to question whether your husband married you in order to get residency and citizenship - I think he's playing you in other ways too, but, this could be another angle to consider.  That would be an actual crime and might give you leverage if you decide to separate.

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, Chefwife,

The behavior you describe is certainly consistent w/BPD.  You're right, it's rare to have an actual diagnosis due to the reluctance of a pwBPD to get evaluated or participate in therapy long enough.  The sad reality is that most BPD relationships are not built to last, for the reasons you describe.  The stress on the Non is enormous as time goes on.  I concur w/Samwize: what would you advise if a friend wrote your first post?  Waiting for your H to wake up and smell the coffee may be unrealistic.  Sure, we've all had a "special connection" with our BPD SO.  I ignored my gut feelings and went down a self-destructive path, so be careful.

LuckyJim

[chefwife]

Thank you both so much... .I will try that. And will take your words into heavy consideration -- LuckyJim you sound like me in about 3 years if I continue on this road. I do fear I will self-destruct and lose everything because of him. I've accomplished a lot in life in many ways professionally, financially, my children are amazing, and have always been really proud of myself, but he's taken me down a very dark road the past year.

And SamwizeGamgee... .that angle was one that made me very paranoid about trusting him and his motives in this relationship when he first got here and I found it to be destructive to my being able to give him the benefit of the doubt. But it certainly was on my mind for many months and caused me to be very skeptical and caused a lot of additional conflict on top of dealing with his behaviors. So, I kinda gave up thinking that way so that I could try to really trust him. Of course, that sort of blew up in my face... .but yes, it's definitely a thought.

[Lalathegreat]

Hi, I relate to so much of this post especially how little of myself that I recognize anymore. If you had asked me 2 years ago if I would be tolerating the abuse I've been tolerating, or making the choices that I've been making for myself that are harmful I would have thought you were crazy. When did I become this person?

I'm glad that you have found the board. I made my way here last night and have found the other posts as well as the responses to mine extremely helpful.

Good luck

[chefwife]

Hi Lalathegreat. I hope this is helpful to you as it's been to me... .it's certainly been eye-opening. These are unfortunately people that cannot be helped until they want to end the destruction in their lives. And they won't seek help to stop hurting someone they "love" they will only do it once they've really hurt themselves, when they've run out of options or hit rock bottom.

Over the past two weeks I've seen my husband completely turn off even his "good side." He's become really accustomed to walking out on me and leaving me on my own and doing his own thing. Here I am another Friday night, alone with him sulking and walking out on me. I'm the bad one, I'm the annoying one, I'm the one who is a nag and a shrew. And this time it was all because I got hurt that he decided he was going to go out to dinner without me, didn't even offer to pick something up for me. But there really is no more sweet side to him and maybe that's a good thing because now I'm seeing who he really is and how much disdain he has for me and how little he cares. I sneezed tonight and he didn't even say bless you. I was crying the other night and he had a box of tissues right next to him -- I had to get up and get my own tissue. I guess after he's done all these majorly horrible things to me, it's the smaller things that are really breaking me.

We've been talking for a couple of weeks about him going back to his country and I am getting more and more ready for this to happen. But I've bought him several plane tickets back and he ends up not getting on the plane and I end up losing close to $1,000 each time. If I could send him back tonight I would but he loves to play games, especially when it's with my money, so even as much as he hates me and everything awful I represent, he will not give me the relief I deserve and actually fly off into the sunset. This is a horrible predicament to be in.

Feel free to tell me what's going on with you. They say misery loves company  and I've been excruciatingly lonely since I've been married... .I'd love someone to talk to who can understand what I'm going through.

[Lalathegreat]

It is extremely lonely! My friends all think I'm crazy, I'm afraid most of them are going to stop wanting to talk to me soon since these conversations all go the same with me describing the latest extreme situation, their blank shocked expressions and then the queries as to how I could possibly still be in this relationship.

I've been in this relationship for 10 months now. I had about 4 months of honeymoon where I could do no wrong and everything was intoxicating and amazing. Gradually arguments began to crop up - infrequently at first but with increasing frequency until at this point it's pretty stressful and chaotic most of the time. Last week was the first physical episode (he spit at me) and now he's completly frozen me out.

I am stuck between knowing that this cannot go on and that it's best for this to end, and crazy insane hope that somehow things can still be salvaged. Throw in a healthy dose of being so sad that *I* am the one after everything being pushed away. I know it isn't logical, but part of me feels that after everything it would be an incredible insult to not be the one who gets to decide to leave. That's not logical or productive, but it does feel human and real.

It's nice to meet you - wish it wasn't because we're both in these insane circumstances.

[chefwife]

Lalathegreat, I go through that on a twice-monthly, sometimes weekly basis with my BPD H. He's the one who breaks up with me, threatens to go back home, calls his family asking for plane tickets, packs his suitcase, moves in with roomates, goes and sleeps at co-workers houses, sleeps outside on my back patio. The man will literally do anything to get away from having to hear about something awful he's done to me. But yes, I get to do the mental exercise pretty regularly of trying to comprehend (and swallow my pride) as to how HE gets to leave ME after everything he's done to me and how much I've forgiven and taken him back and been a constant, consistent force in his life. The thing is, leaving is the last thing he wants to do. He wants to bring me into his misery and drag me down to his level, that's all. He just wants control. He wants to be the one who gets to do whatever he wants and then control all of the consequences and who ultimately has the power to care less and walk away. It's sick. And that's all yours is doing -- they have amazing patience to play games for days and weeks -- I know mine can literally go an entire week without saying a word to me, while living in the same house! It's all control and that's what you have to remember and tbh if they control themselves right out of your life once and for all, they're doing you a FAVOR. Let him have the last word. Let him treat you bad and storm out and leave you hanging or cleaning up the mess he made. Just as long as he's leaving for good, then YOU WIN. And the physical stuff will escalate and get worse. My H first started off with threats then eventually choked me... .they have NO BOUNDARIES and have FULL CONTROL over when they're going to decide to pull out their next arsenal against you, which is physical violence. Don't stick around long enough for that to happen like I did. Because then you're accepting even more things you never expected to ever swallow in your wildest dreams.

Also, about the friends -- i have no more friends. They all think I'm insane. They do not want to hang out with me anymore. I had a HUGE circle of friends around the country before him, even friends around the world. Now my friend circle is tiny, maybe 1-2 people and I have to limit how much I tell them about what is going on. Otherwise I know they'll stop talking to me like my other friends have done.

My husband has managed to completely isolate me so that when he decides to leave me it's soul crushing. I see how alone I am in this world because of him, and this is not why I got married! I got married for companionship, security, stability, having someone to share responsibilities with and all I got was loneliness, sleeping alone 90 percent of the time, and just being frustrated because I'm also being treated like garbage. Whatever you do, DO NOT MARRY THIS GUY.

[Grey Kitty]

Also, about the friends -- i have no more friends. They all think I'm insane. They do not want to hang out with me anymore. I had a HUGE circle of friends around the country before him, even friends around the world. Now my friend circle is tiny, maybe 1-2 people and I have to limit how much I tell them about what is going on. Otherwise I know they'll stop talking to me like my other friends have done.

Yes, this is awful, but you can do something about it.

First off, most people have no real experience with mental illness... .and cannot imagine what your life is really like and why you stay for this. You are wise to limit how much of this you share with your friends. (Unless you end up finding a friend or two who has or is living through something similar... .or perhaps one who is also a mental health professional.)

You can get that kind of support here. You can get that kind of support from a therapist. (Do you have a therapist? If not, have you considered it?)

Instead, look for friends to remind you what life should be like. Without mental illness. Do fun things with them, whatever interests you used to share.

Consider coming back to some of the better friends who "gave up on you" and ask them to come back. If you did anything harsh, apologize for it. Try telling them that you know your marriage is nuts, and you do need help and support... .and what you want from them is to spend a few hours now and again enjoying a "normal" life, not dumping on them about how horrible it is... .not listening to them telling you that you are insane to stay either. You may be surprised how well people respond to a direct request like that. And may find that they missed you too.

Especially since you are getting the silent treatment at home, you have a lot of energy to put into what friends you can find.

And if it turns around at home, keep those friends, don't let them be lost or chased away again--hard times and silent treatment will come back, and you will need them again!