1.5 years later & I'm lost

[poedameron]

I've posted on here before about the crazy ex-BPD... .highlights/lowlights include hordes of lies like her faking cancer for 10 months while we were long distance... .then after she moved her to be with me while we were building a house together, more lies and her cheating on me, and when I was out of town 6 months later, I came back to find I was being charged with 2 crimes as she told the police I was an ex-boyfriend and I had been stalking her the entire time she was here... .

... .that was 1.5 years ago.  Last June she showed up in court and lied on the stand to get me thrown in jail.  Thankfully I had all the texts/photos, etc. to defend myself and was acquitted.

I've tried everything, hypnosis, therapy, reading... .dating a lot... .and I still think about her EVERY DAY.  This horrible person that discarded me like trash... .yet I find myself drifting to the good times with her... .to the happiest feelings I've ever had with someone... .

I know I should never see her again, talk to her again, etc... .but I am at a loss... .everything in life is bland and pointless most of the time.  

[findingmyselfagain]

Hi poedameron,

Sorry you are feeling lost and like life is bland. I can relate. It's been almost 7 years since the official b/up with my unBPDex. I have to admit there aren't a lot of days that go by that I don't think of her... .and I'm pretty happily married to someone who is much nicer, kinder, and easier to communicate with. I don't want to go into a huge amount of detail but I met mine when I was really looking for love. I hadn't had much success at all. I have a chronic illness which can be hard to manage and keep myself as healthy and strong as I'd like. When things are bad I feel bad and it's easy to get caught up in that. Also... .my mother was probably BPD(ish), and my parents divorced when I was 12 y/o, and my grandparents passed away about the same time. So basically BPD mom + growing up too fast + chronic illness = A LOT that I wasn't aware of.

After she b/u up with me I struggled to figure out what happened. It was sudden... .just a few days after our WEDDING SHOWER she was "hanging out" with a male co-worker. Then things got weird and she had destroyed the r/s within a month. I found this Board, talked to some BPDs on another board, and even joined a local support group and made friends with a local pwBPD. She wanted to date me at the time... .but I knew I wasn't ready. A nice pwBPD I met on a blog helped me write a letter to my ex. She responded quickly, but it wasn't the friendliest response. It didn't set well with me. We emailed a few times and then once she really went off on me I realized that the dynamic would never change and that I didn't deserve that kind of treatment... .whether she has a mental illness or not... .!

I saw a therapist for a few months... .that how I saw how my childhood/mother impacted my romantic side. I pushed myself to join groups on meetup.com. I hosted events occasionally and just went out on dates. I knew I wasn't ready for anything serious... .mostly because I was still triggered/scared of romance.

Where I'm at now... .I can still sense my tension with intimacy in my marriage but it's getting easier as I see what a genuine, kind person is like and get used to that. I see how a lot of my fear doesn't come from my current reality. I'm bringing it in from my past. It's not fair to the present. It's getting a lot easier.

As for how I feel about my exunBPD, I recognize how much she suffers... .and as a human I don't like that. Maybe so much that'll never be in a stable relationship... .but I know that's her journey. I know a relationship with her would never be stable... .even a friendship. That's just how life is. If men stop trying to rescue her then she may wake up and smell the coffee... .maybe not. I don't know if I would even talk to her if I happened to see her. I just don't want to invite that dynamic back into my life and don't want to risk my marriage over someone like that. I hope she gets well someday... .but she may not. I don't think about her that much but we were engaged and the r/s seemed to have promise at one time... .it's not something that you just forget over the course of a day. It's easier though... .I can see a time when it's something that doesn't even cross my mind.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey poedameron, Presumably it's because you're still idealizing your Ex.  You are ignoring the reality that this woman discarded you "like trash" and had you thrown in jail.  I would suggest that the happy times with her were mostly an illusion, like a mirage.  You could say that it's a case of mistaken identity: she's not the person you thought she was.  The sooner you grasp this distinction, the sooner you will notice that life is neither bland nor pointless.

LuckyJim

[Duped 1]

Hey poedameron, Presumably it's because you're still idealizing your Ex.  You are ignoring the reality that this woman discarded you "like trash" and had you thrown in jail.  I would suggest that the happy times with her were mostly an illusion, like a mirage.  You could say that it's a case of mistaken identity: she's not the person you thought she was.  The sooner you grasp this distinction, the sooner you will notice that life is neither bland nor pointless.

LuckyJim


Except for getting thrown in jail this statement completely applies to my situation.

LJ- Love your posts!

[Duped 1]

she's not the person you thought she was.

This is so hard to accept but so true. Heartbreaking

[bunny4523]

Hey poedameron, Presumably it's because you're still idealizing your Ex.  You are ignoring the reality that this woman discarded you "like trash" and had you thrown in jail.  I would suggest that the happy times with her were mostly an illusion, like a mirage.  You could say that it's a case of mistaken identity: she's not the person you thought she was.  The sooner you grasp this distinction, the sooner you will notice that life is neither bland nor pointless.

LuckyJim

I agree... .this is the focus I took and it made it alot easier to move on. 

[findingmyselfagain]

Long story short, it's just not worth it.