adult daughter with NPD/BPD says I deserve to 'lose her'

[abcdef1]

Hi again. Need advice. My adult daughter is divorced and has been withholding communication (NC) for a while, from us and from her children to us as well. She asked that I dont text her anymore bc its too disturbing for her (NPD) she tells us the kids 'hate the phone' bc they talk to their dad that way when hes not with them and to her when shes is not with them (what little children hate the phone) I tried to email/fb but no response. Offered to skype but she refused. Recently we had a death in the fam and it hit her very hard. she went into a rage and blamed ME for this, for not supporting the person who died (a close relative), and told me I deserved to lose her as well. Yet when I reach out with love she is unresponsive! I had a good relationship with her during her teen years (although as most bPDs do, she is denying that) and was a great mom, We got close again when she got married. Now she is bitter, angry and everything 'triggers' her and she becomes abusive and blames ME for her horrible choices (which I tried to advise her agianst but she never listens). The question is, since she is my only child, do I continue to offer her love and call, text, etc and tolerate her abuse, or do I just give in and when its NC its NC? I dont want to lose the tiny fam I have left! Hubs is ready to walk away from her since he will not take her abusive behavior, rages etc. Can anyone guide me please? BTW: She refuses to acknowledge that she has BPD/ NPD as she is a social worker and 'knows better' than anyone else, so she refuses both therapy and treatment.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kwamina]

Hi abcdef1,

Recently we had a death in the fam and it hit her very hard. she went into a rage and blamed ME for this, for not supporting the person who died (a close relative), and told me I deserved to lose her as well.

Dealing with deaths in the family, particularly close relatives is difficult for most people. For disordered people such as your daughter, managing their difficult thoughts and emotions will be even more challenging. Your daughter found it very hard to cope with this loss and lashed out at you. Your daughter's words somewhat concern me as they are in the context of this death in the family. What do you think she means exactly when she says you deserve to lose her too? Do you think she just means that you deserve to lose contact with her as is now the case since she's not communicating with you? Or do you think she is talking about something else?

[abcdef1]

She means that since I was such a 'horrible parent' and continue to be one, I deserve to have NC with her. She is using herself the situation and the grandchildren as pawns in her 'game'. I know she is also using this death to further her own agenda, i.e. make us give in to her demands and live our lives the way SHE feels we should (allowing HER to run our home, not allowing us access to the kids only when its good for her, etc.) She is NOT threatening suicide or anything like that only bc of her children, but she knows that the loss of her in our lives is truly painful and that gives her enjoyment. BTW she is right. It is truly painful, but Im trying to earn how to cope with her NC. Im not riding her merrygoround anymore and this Message board has truly helped me in that way. Thank God for this!

[Lollypop]

Hi there abcdef1

I just wanted to welcome you to the forum and introduce myself.

I have an adult BPDs26 who was diagnosed at 24. Our story is very similar to many others on this forum. My BPDs is a quiet BPD and doesn't rage but internalises. This makes it difficult to see his emotions and he's a master at masking them.

I'm sorry that you're going through this crisis with your daughter. we've had periods of little or no contact and I found them extremely difficult. This was pre-diagnosis and before I understood about BPD and the reason for his behaviours.

What I wanted to say is that you have an opportunity in this period of no contact. You can arm yourself with knowledge about BPD so you're better prepared if/when you're back in contact. You can also learn to live your own life, a life where your daughter's problems aren't your main focus. I went back to college as a mature student and I've made new friends and have new interests. i only have one life and I demonstrate to my kids that it's never too late to change.

Change is what I've done. I'm happy, despite the problems. I've learnt new skills here in this forum and it's been my lifesaver and my family too.

L

[incadove]

Yeah, I feel for you.  I thought getting through the teen years meant we were out of the woods, I didn't realize that once my BPD daughters were adults and had their own resources (because of a trust from their biological family) that the rejection would really kick in.  One of them has always had a swing between idealization and rejection and as a result we worked through that and she became a pretty principled person, her emotions are all over the place but she is careful to act in a principled way so I get along with her pretty well.  The other was just so demanding and reacted differently but usually with some caring combined with extreme neediness; she didn't really get into rejection until she became an adult, then had no principles about lashing out in really hurtful ways.  I thought the teen years were hard but I didn't actually become depressed until they were adults!

I do feel lucky because both of my BPD daughters are so far responsible and not into drugs or risky lifestyles, and have long term relationships with partner/friends.  But the actual relationship with them yes, is so painful.  I won't give it up and will get them things and check on their safety even in the bad parts, but I try to fulfill my own needs and take care of myself and don't expect anything from them except to not be overtly nasty and disrespectful (helps if interactions are somewhat short).  Its a lot easier to care from a safe place and some distance.  We've had good times (as I think is true for most BPDs, even some of what seemed at the time really good intimate happy times, but its not the same as a relationship with someone who can be depended on).

I don't know if anyone has really good long term relationships with their BPD adult children?  It seems like it should be possible with self-understanding, principles and therapy?

Sorry if this is more about me than about your situation.  It must be really hard when its your only child, I have four and my two biological daughters don't have it.  I love all of them but the two that I see BPD traits in just have so much pain in my relations with them.  I know they feel a lot of pain too, is why they act out, but knowing that doesn't always help.

It might help to volunteer with kids and mentor other kids, to have healthy relationships outside the one with your BPD daughter.  I volunteer with a program called FosterEd that is in many states, they are very good and will match you to a kid who really needs your input and who may respond very differently! 

[abcdef1]

TY both for your responses. I just had an interaction (phone call) from my Grandkids who told me they cannot come any more because 'Mommy doesnt like to spend time at your house'. They sounded miserable. I am broken. They are the only reason why I even care if I have any contact with my BPD daughter. SHe is only pain and those kids are only joy. I asked her if I could skype and she said no she doesnt like to skype and it 'wouldnt work out' (without trying it). Please help me deal with this.

[heartandwhole]

I just had an interaction (phone call) from my Grandkids who told me they cannot come any more because 'Mommy doesnt like to spend time at your house'. They sounded miserable.

Hi abcdef1,

I'm sorry you are going through this. If I had a message like that, I'd be heartbroken, too.   This is a painful situation.

   Kwamina mentioned the stress of losing your close relative as a trigger for these reactions. I have definitely seen this often—here on the boards and in my own experience with pwBPD. It makes me think that this situation will change at some point, and I hope that it will mean more contact with your grandchildren. That doesn't make what you are going through now any easier, I know, but I don't want you to give up hope.

Are you taking good care of yourself? You've lost a close relative, too, and that can affect us in unexpected ways. A time out to rebalance and focus on yourself might help, and will signal to your daughter that you are not going to continue this cycle.

heartandwhole

[abcdef1]

TY heart and whole. Yes I know the death had its effect bc she has gotten much worse ever since that time. I am in NC now and have ordered books and read many things on this site that have helped me. I have a loving supportive husband who is going through this too but who is dealing with it much better than I am (she also doesnt abuse him the way she does me). He is able to emotionally detach from DD and the grandkids much easier than me and that helps too bc he guides me through my own emotions. He says we have to live for US and focus on our lives... possibly move to another state... what do you think?

[heartandwhole]

He says we have to live for US and focus on our lives...

I think it's wise to do that. As  Lollypop alluded to, focusing on you and your lives can be so helpful. If you feel healthy and balanced, your behavior will change, that will have an affect on your loved ones. From that place, you can do more good than from a place of stress and pain. 

[Lollypop]

Hi again abcdef1

Unfortunately for us all, we have to go through a process with BPD and sadly grief can be a massive part of it.  It took me a long time to accept that my BPDs26's life wasn't going to be the one I dreamed of for him.  Also, my life wasn't going to be the one I wanted.  I particularly found it hard to be with my friends who all seemed to have the "perfect" children going off to college, careers, marriage etc.  The process takes time and the more you learn, the better you prepare yourself to detach but still love your daughter.  It is possible, and I will admit that for many years where I couldn't say one single good thing about my BPDs and I just couldn't bare the thought of bumping into him in the street.  My situation is very different now because I've allowed it time, worked on my skills and improved how I interact with him.  This forum has really helped me and you're doing exactly the right thing for you.

I understand how you feel and that moving to another state would be very tempting. This would be a very big step and one that would need to be carefully thought about?  

I've learnt not to make any decisions when I'm in a highly emotional state myself.  You've been through so much and continue to go through so much.  Gently forwards abcdef1 and it must be lovely to have your husband by your side as you explore a way forward for yourselves.  I'm so very pleased you can speak with your grandchildren each week - did I understand this correctly?

L

[abcdef1]

yes once a week used to be daily or whenever i felt like it, but she has been so vocal and abrasive about my bothering her by calling and refusing to put them on the phone now that I stopped doing it. She is ruining my relationship with my grandchildren on purpose and now I am much more of a stranger than I used to be bc of her. I know she is telling the kids bad stuff about us. As far as moving away we are def considering it not right away but soon.Right now we are continuing our NC and seeing what develops, possibly hubs will talk to her... what do you think? Any ideas of how to break NC and salvage sanity?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi there abcdef1

That weekly call is something that you can really build on slowly. Your daughter and grandchildren love you and I think that they are all most probably struggling with this situation too. You must miss them terribly.

I can only speak about myself and why my own relationship with my BPDs26 started to downward spiral. Everything I ever did just made things worse as I tried to fix. My BPDs just found it much easier for himself to not be around me. He was highly emotional, full of shame and guilt because of how he behaved, wanting to be a different person, he'd attempt to sort his life out and would then fail. A cycle of bad feelings making him depressed and feeling worthless. I went through years of trying everything and anything but he just couldn't trust me as I quietly judged his choices and criticised him. This was pre diagnosis.

My first step was to take responsibility for my part in this relationship. I decided that no matter what I had to have some contact but we still interacted in our old ways. I didn't understand that I had to change myself as I couldn't change him or his situation. We stuck a band aid and of course it got bad again.

Diagnosis came at 24. I found this forum. I understood that I needed soume boundaries and limits, be more assertive but in a very very loving way.

I learnt about BPD and whenever I was with him I talked about nothing serious. I was light as a fairy. I started going out, spending time doing things I enjoyed demonstrating to him that I had my own life. I was not smothering him anymore.

Slowly, I got to work on improving my communication skills and I carefully choose my words now and mostly listen, not speak. I learnt how to validate and it works like magic with my BPDs26.

You have a real opportunity to find a way forward for yourselves and your family with better communication and validation skills.

Have you checked out the tools to the right hand of this page?  Is there anything we can help you with?

Hugs to you

L

[Glenna]

Dear abcdef1,

When I read your posts, I understand my situation better.
My BPDD, 37, cannot take the slightest hint of criticism. It is as if one would be brushing a down feather over someone with 3rd degree burns, I guess. Unfortunately her behavior is so irritating it is almost impossible not to say something negative.
She creates the most demented messes where I've just cleaned. She yells at her young son until he cries. I go nuts and voice disapproval of these things and that's all it takes to set her off on a rage and hate campaign that lasts for days.
They don't think, they can't deal with facts. They are just protecting that 3rd degree burned skin.
Believe me, I have a very hard time because I can't keep this in my head. Imagine if we saw our child in a hospital bed with 3rd degree burns how horrible we would feel. Whenever I can feel the pain of my D being really ill and not just a b, I can hardly stop crying, but mostly I can't stay in that place. It's too painful so denial sets in. The false message always running in my head is that she could control or fix herself. I really find it hard to believe she can't, although there is certainly evidence for it.

Good luck and take care of yourself. Think - what would be good for abcdef1?

Glenna

[Lollypop]

Hi there abcdef1

I just wanted to touch base with you and let you know I've been thinking about you and hope you're ok.

L

[abcdef1]

Hey Lollypop. I am ok, I guess... .Daughter's doing her passive aggressive thing with us, not pu the phone when we call or responding to our texts. Also not sharing the kids. Same old thing. What we are doing is going on with life. The more I read about this the more I see that what these kids want is to destroy you inside and out. thats it. Its only them and all about them. So to defeat that you need to show them they arent, even if its killing you (which it IS). Living well IS the best revenge believe me.Just told that to a few people. Hope the rest of you guys are doing ok... .

[Lollypop]

Hi there abcdef1

It's good to hear that you're finding a way to get on with your own lives. Living well is the best demonstration to others.

It's good to remember that those with BPD can't help the way they behave and I know it's hard to recognise this. You're absolutely right when you say "it's all about them"; I used to say that myself.

You're doing exactly the right thing by being here on the forum and learning as much as you can about BPD as it will really help you cope.

Somebody very wisely pointed out to me that all I could do was work on myself, improve my communication and validation skills and if my BPDs chose to be in my life they would then help me have a healthier relationship. It's turned out to be true.

Hang in there!

LP