tunaniel
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Gender: 
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 21
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« on: March 18, 2017, 03:33:45 PM » |
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Hi all,
It's been forever since I've posted here! I just celebrated my 37th birthday. In the days leading up to that, my Mom (UBPD) was texting me asking for gift ideas. Would I like dinner out, a shopping trip, etc? We settled on a simple outing, but I had my doubts. I have a fabulous husband and 3 kids under the age of 5. Mom and I made tentative plans to go for a solo coffee outing the morning of my birthday. It was a Saturday so my husband would be home with the kids. It actually ended up being a snow day with treacherous roads, so we called it and stayed home. Given our history with birthdays/family events, I was actually relieved.
My Dad passed away 8 years ago and it's been an emotional roller-coaster ever since... .I put the pieces together (while grieving and planning a wedding) and realized my Dad had covered a lot up with regards to Mom. Or maybe my older brother and I were never willing to face the reality that Mom was MORE than just a difficult person. I'd call her high functioning BPD for the most part, but we certainly have our hellish episodes where she's barely functioning.
Mom is very jealous of my time, even with beautiful grandchildren in the picture. Soo... .the weather was terrible and we didn't get our 'one-on-one' outing this past weekend. I was a bit upset with the selfish nature of many of her texts surrounding my birthday (it's all about me) ... .and "I NEED/THRIVE on having things to look forward to." My husband and 2 young daughters baked a lovely cake and prepared dinner. He called my Mom to invite her (even though she shouldn't need a red carpet invite! It's family!) and she said she didn't feel like dressing up and getting out in the cold. He even offered to pick her up as she lives only 10 minutes away. Wow. My Mom chose to stay home on my birthday and missed the fun with grandchildren and homemade party hats. She later texted and said "Sad you're there and I am here. I had to toast your birthday all alone with my wine. Thought you would have emailed me pictures from the party." UMmmmmm... .sorry, not sorry?
My Mom makes me CRAZY. She ignores phone calls/messages and then tells me we have no connection. She NEVER invites us over (let alone anyone else) and yet she's spending hundreds of dollars on a home reno project (at age 75). Meanwhile, we're renting a family property from her; 2 bedroom, with a basement that occasionally floods, 1 bathroom from original 1956 year. She tells me how terrible bunk beds would look in the children's room and yet hasn't once offered to switch homes. I am a piano teacher... .I teach out of our living room/child's play space. Meanwhile she has a 2 garage, 4 bedroom, 3 bathroom home ALL TO HERSELF... .with a huge yard and playground outside! My older brother has told Mom multiple times to move to a condo (she's on the original family farm) where she'd have far less maintenance and reason for complaint. If Dad were alive, we'd have at least discussed this possibility of switching homes by now. I know I sound entitled, which I can assure you I am not. I'm simply looking at the situation and future in a practical way. I know what I would do as an elderly parent/grandparent.
Anyways, back to the birthday... .now I have this 'burden' of going on a 'birthday' outing with my Mom, while the date has obviously passed. It's clearly more for her sake than mine. Every year, we have an outdoor picnic for our oldest daughter's birthday. And every year, Mom says "Who will be there for me?" In other words, we're supposed to comb through her contact list and invite someone to entertain her because a yard full of adorable toddlers isn't entertaining enough? It was for this very reason, that Mom decided to skip her other Granddaughters birthday that was held at a gymnastics club. "What would I possibly get out of that?" She didn't even have the decency to confirm her non-attendance.
Two years ago, my husband gave me cash as a birthday gift and told me to go shopping sans kids. For some reason, I included my Mom in this outing! What a mistake! She kept saying that she wanted to buy me something while we were out. Meanwhile, she watched as I bought a pair of fashion boots and flats; said nothing. I guess she had something else in mind? She spent the entire afternoon complaining/gossiping about locals who are apparently just awful. If I try to steer the conversation in a more positive direction she argues "WHO do I have to share my deepest most personal thoughts with since your Dad left me?" Guess that's LUCKY ME! She's perfect. Needless to say, I came home depressed from that afternoon together and never received a gift from Mom for that year.
I felt very loved by friends and family this past week; having dinner out with a girlfriend, brunch with another, and a fondue party hosted by another. It's amazing how easily these things fall into place with others and yet making plans with my Mom is like pulling teeth. Up until the very last minute, she'll still be questioning if the 'plan' is actually happening. Um, well, yes. It's in my calendar. I've set time aside. Yes, she never is convinced that my word is enough or has an issue with trust or something.
If the tables are turned though, she's very unreliable. She doesn't like to commit, lest something better comes along, or she's not 'feeling' like it. Babysitting is a nightmare and we seldom ask her. And if she DOES babysit for us, we feel like we owe her something; like we're indebted to her for life. I recently had asked her to watch our youngest two for a morning. She texted last minute and said she felt like going to yoga that day, but could help me if I was desperate. I told her not to worry and ended up taking all the kids to the appointment. She KNOWS my schedule; which afternoons I teach piano. I don't have official child-care, and usually teach in shorter blocks that are manageable with my kids. Not ONCE has she offered to take the kids, to pick them up (the booster seat in her vehicle is pointless!)... .it's unbelievable! And then I get the guilt trip if we haven't seen her in awhile. Um... .she has an open invitation to come for coffee, whatever. She's welcome to invite us over there for a meal or something. It's soo strange. I don't think I'll ever wrap my head around BPD.
She criticizes me for the 'cold connection' we have due to texting. So instead of her picking up the phone and calling me, she texts me because she assumes I'm busy with the kids. It works both ways! She thought that perhaps we could do my birthday outing a week late today, but my husband had to go into work so I'd have the kids with me. She says "You can't say that I didn't try. Guess it's not that exciting." The obligation and guilt is never ending. The FOG can get lost any time! I'm tired of it!
The future with Mom scares me. Getting her to move off the farm. Will she get dementia? Does she already have dementia? Will she live to be 100 years old? Will she disappoint the grandchildren like she's disappointed me?
My sweet 5 year old begs for sleepovers at her house. I think the only time they've happened have been on the eve of my last 2 scheduled c-sections. Wow. She keeps promising her that they'll happen. "One day Grandma will take you shopping and then you can have a sleepover at my house." It KILLS me to see this. False promises! My daughter's too young to realize or show the disappointment yet. But one day. My Mom has missed birthday parties before. She missed family Thanksgiving to go to a funeral; someone from her distant past. She has a weird fascination with obituaries and funerals; dwells on other people's pain. She never let my brother and I grieve with her when Dad passed away. It was sudden. It was tragic. Plane accident. I'll never be okay with him leaving. Why couldn't it have been her? Life would be simpler if he were here and she wasn't. My Christian faith leads me to believe that this is a never-ending lesson in patience and I'm supposed to love Mom as God loves us! We are all broken people - this is certain. I love my Mom, but I can't say that I like her very much at the best of times.
What if her crazy quirks pass onto me? Am I going to mother like her at times? I pray to God that I won't. I do know that my parenting skills are much better (more patient and loving) when my frustrating interactions with her are kept to a minimum!) My husband says that I turned out so well because of Dad. And bless my Dad's soul for never leaving because I know that he wanted to. My two Aunts (older sisters to Mom) went through agony with Mom. Mom cut them off for almost 15 years... .over who knows what. It's everyone else fault. Always. "They're angry. They're bitter." And yet, when I have deep heart to hearts with them, I feel known and understood. They're the Mother's that I wish I'd had. Conversation and time with them is EASY. No walking on glass. No changing the truth to suit her. I've turned into a master teller of fibs because of my Mom. I don't tell her which friend I had coffee with because she's JEALOUS. I don't tell her how so and so called me because she'd be JEALOUS. I don't tell her who had us over for dinner because she'd say "nice you can make the time for them and not for me." I've had oceans of guilt heaped on me over the years. My brother has the same, but is likely better at turning a blind eye and not letting it affect him emotionally.
Our family is broken. Not because my Dad's gone. But because my Mom nearly ruined the relationship we all had with my brother when he got engaged. Mom didn't like his choice and went out of her way to make this clear. My SIL is a saint for forgiving and moving on. But it will never be forgotten! I unfortunately got caught up in all the drama, and didn't do a very good job in welcoming my SIL to the family. I've since apologized which is something that Mom NEVER EVER has done!
With regards to not attending my birthday dinner last weekend, Mom said "I hope you understood... .I just didn't feel like getting out." But it wasn't "I'm sorry." It wasn't "When can I drop your card... .your gift off?" It wasn't "Let's have coffee this week." It was "we better pick and rain check date or it'll never happen." So what if it doesn't happen? I'm not disappointed! Why should she be! Birthdays are meant to be celebrated on the day... .through the week... .Not when she gets her emotional ducks in a row.
To everyone who made it to the end of my rant, thank you for listening... .from the bottom of my heart!
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