Completely blind sighted, now in NC

[Tj6]

Hey everyone I'm new to all this and decided to do my research when I stumbled across this discussion board. I wasn't completely aware while dating my gf that she had BPD, until we started to go to counselling. (Same sex relationship).

I've been with my pwBPD for over 2 years. The first year, it was like a whirlwind that swept me right up into her charm. But there was a hidden side of her that involved cheating, substance abuse, lying etc that had caused our relationship to end after a year. She became pregnant after emotionally detaching (I never knew what that was before). After the first part of our relationship ended (I ended it), she was cold and harsh. She blamed me for her cheating, blamed me for not trying hard enough to help her with her substance abuse, and made me feel like the worst person in the world. She'd praise our relationship one day, and devalue it the next (even if we were completely fine). We were broken up for about 3 weeks, first week where she was more cold, and as time went on she wasn't.

We got back together, (it happened so fast). I needed time to ease back into it, because I still cared for her, she was my best friend. But she used her pregnancy to move the relationship into a commitment. I was there through it all, the birth, helping raise baby. But still struggled with the past and trust issues. We'd fight... .but not nearly as much as she thought we did. She'd often pick fights with me just because she was bored. She'd sometimes even get jealous of when I was interacting with baby (almost as if she felt I loved him more than her). We started to do counselling (not for her BPD, but for trust) and it was then that she mentioned to the counsellor that she could be borderline (she did receive an actual diagnosis from her psychiatrist but never mentioned it, only mentioned she was bipolar). Counselling was great at first, I felt more connected and like I could trust her. We didn't fight for an entire month.

Then around the first week of March, her uncle has passed away (but they weren't close) and she started to act distant and less affectionate. Her grandma came into the city (the woman who raised her because her parents are sick) and I know she missed her when she had to leave. I noticed her wanting to spend more time with friends and less time with me. In return, I started to spend time with my own friends, she didn't really seem to like that, especially if she wanted to see me. I feel like me being out with friends maybe she perceived that as a form of abandoning her?

Being in counselling sometimes the past is brought up. During a phone conversation a moment from the past was brought up about her roommate. Her roommate kissed me, and I'm pretty sure felt something for me, but I didn't feel anything back for her. My partner with BPD, knew this before getting back together. There was a moment she had a flashback of cheating on me, and then she told me she couldn't stop thinking of her roommate kissing me. (It was almost like her hearing it for the first time, but she already knew what happened).

The next day she told me she couldn't shake the feeling and asked for space. I respected it and gave her space. Later, she told me she missed me and that she wanted me to come and see her and" kiss her like in the movies". I was out with friends and didn't have my car, so I told her we could talk tomorrow. She acted very childlike and seemed to have gotten mad that I wasn't going over. I ended up giving in and kissing her, things seemed fine. I still had trust issues and she wanted to spend the night over at her friends place with a bunch of others... .and I told her i still didn't feel comfortable. She lashed out and said "I'm an adult I don't need your permission"... .I just let it happen.

She spent the time at her friends place, but I was still feeling kind of disrespected when I tried to put a boundary up of what I felt comfortable. It always felt like she was trying to rush me into trusting her... .and I felt pressured. The next day I picked her up because we had counselling and instead of being responsible she forgot the car seat for baby (she's had all night and all morning to do it and instead was acting irresponsible with friends). I said that was retarded... .and then she blew up on me (I've never used mean words usually ever but I think i was just getting fed up)... .and after that she was cold during counselling... .she even attacked me saying "you're more afraid to lose baby than you are to lose me". The following day, she told me "I want you to know I love you very much and that sometimes she can be difficult but that I need to be patient ... .etc" I told her that the feelings of her feeling distant hurt me and that I wished to have more love and affection and that sometimes I felt like I would do more for her than she would for me.
Then she went completely cold, wasn't giving me any affection, or cuddles... .and when I asked her why she said she doesn't know. I asked her if she loved me and she said she didn't know... .and when I cried she didn't even comfort me.

The next day things were a bit better... .but I felt like things felt impossible with me and her (because I wanted to move for schooling and she wanted to move in the same city as her grandma... .when the place for my school was only an hour away... .it didn't seem good enough and there was never much compromise). I felt pressure, and told her and she reassured that things would be fine. The next day... .I still felt unhappy and anxiety and told her. She told me that anxiety is just a feeling and that it will go away.

Then she said... ."hear me out... .maybe we need some time for ourselves. we've been working so hard to make this work that theres still a lot of wounds that need healing. I love you very much and sometimes a day or two without my partner is nice right now, I want us to still move together and me and baby will be waiting for you... .and no I'm not breaking up with you"

I took this badly because I couldn't understand why she wanted so much space, I asked her why? And she seemed so distant and wouldn't really respond and often avoided messaging me back until I got frustrated. I told her it felt like she didn't love me... .and she kept claiming she did. She told me to come and see her so she could personally tell me how much she loves me... .
I told her all this was making me feel confused. She said "It feels like we're broken up, but I love you very much and I still want to make this work just having some alone time would be good for me right now, I still want you to come over every so often and I want to slowly build with you again"

and then she told me going over wouldn't be a good idea and that she wasn't in a good mindset... .but then told me to come anyways. Going over there, she was very push and pull. She said she wanted me but then didn't know and was confused. She told me that we were together but that we weren't, she was kissing me and then hugging me... .and told me she still wanted to do counselling and talk to me... .but after that she only seemed to tell me what I wanted to hear. She told me that I was hers and thats all that mattered.

The next day I didn't hear from her at all... .and we still haven't been talking. Its been 1 week and she hasn't really reached out but I can tell I'm devalued right now. She hasn't come to counselling and is distant. When I asked her about when we could talk... .she told me that she needs space away from me... .because she can't give me what I need and that we'll talk about it... .but its already been a week... .

She told my best friend in a message that she just felt pressure in the relationship and that she couldn't give me what I wanted and that she loved me and I was her best friend. She told me she wanted me to be our sons mom still but that she just needed time for herself and that she wasn't giving up. And that she needed to figure out if she was in love with me (she's convincing herself she's not). But to others, she says other things... .she told her friend that we split up (manipulation?) because she asked him for money... .and probably said she couldn't support baby... or who knows... .but I know its not all painting me white... .she paints me black too... .

Any idea if she'll wanna talk to me again? I don't know whats going on... .I miss her and wish me and her could just talk. Its been a week... how much time does she need?

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[Mutt]

Hi Tj6,  



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily   I'm sorry that you're going through this, I bet there's a lot of anxiety after not hearing from her for a week. I agree with you that a week is enough time for her to sort out what she needed sorted out and to communicate it with you. When a partner suffers from BPD, the r/s is not going to be 50 / 50 because she has social impairments, it's probably closer to 80 / 20. I don't know of any other way of saying this, do you feel like she's stalling you? She emotionally detached before and cheated, does this feel similar? What are your thoughts?

[Tj6]

Thanks for the welcome Mutt

I feel like she is pushing me away for whatever reason. I seem to think because of me feeling stressed and pressured and not having my needs met, it may have caused her to think I was thinking of abandoning her? She made a comment in counselling that "I was afraid to lose our son more than I was afraid to lose her". Sometimes I was a bit insensitive when it came to that, but felt like she should just know I wasn't going anywhere. But now knowing more about BPD I can see why even though I could say I wasn't going anywhere, that she'd still have an intense fear.

When she emotionally detached before, she seemed to pull away too but didn't full out push me away. She continued the relationship with me at that point but was devaluing me behind my back (And at the time I didn't know what that exactly meant) and lying to me. Maybe she has gone back to drugs and alcohol and is pushing me away because she knows of how I'd react (In her mind it would be worse). Which could probably explain her manipulation to her friend (saying we aren't together so she can get money from him , because he feels bad that no one is helping support baby). When we "took a break" she had plenty of money and there was no need to borrow any.
Maybe in her confused state she doesn't want to do anything to hurt me so she pushes me away... .
In the past, when she was tempted to use substances she went cold before and wouldn't touch me or be affectionate and it almost felt the same as now.
As for cheating... .i'm not too sure, its possible... .in her mind what she tells people is we're split up. But when she talked to me or friends, she just said that she needs space away from me.

Its almost like, she'd be hurt if anyone else had me, clearly showing she still has feelings for me. But its like if she wanted to build something back slowly with me... .she said she wants to be around me when she's happy and when her anxiety isn't so high... .
how long can that take?

[Mutt]

You were pretty close, the push / pull behavior is fear of engulfment and fear of abandonment. The first behavior is when a pwBPD get close to someone it triggers a fear that they're being consumed by the r/s or their sense of self is being annihilated, so a pwBPD will push you away. The second behavior is that distance or push triggers their fear of abandonment, this push / pull behavior feels like crazy making behavior if you're on the receiving end of that.

What does "fear of engulfment" mean?

That's my best guess, I don't know what someone is thinking, it's impossible to be absolutely sure with a pwBPD's distorted thinking. Having said that, I think that she may of said that about the baby because she feels low self worth about herself, she doesn't trust herself or others and she thinks that everyone is going to abandon her. A pwBPD are hypersensitive to rejection and are constantly scanning for queues perceived or real that they're going to be rejected.

That's her feelings, that's what she's going through, it's not personal to you, that's probably one of the bigger things that i'd take away from this. There's no cure for anxiety, everyone has anxiety during certain intervals in life, it's normal to feel anxiety when you're cramming for an exam, you feel threatened by someone or something, it's a mental disorder when you're mind can't shut that off. There are things that can be done to keep it under control and to keep it from flaring up, medication, mindfulness, self care are all strategies that can help. Has she gotten help for anxiety in the past that you know of? Sorry I don't have an answer for you about how long this is going to take. It takes as long as it takes. Now you shared about her feelings, what do you feel?

[Tj6]

Thanks for the engulfment definition!
It does make sense because I did tell her that sometimes I felt like she wouldn't do the same things for me that I did for her. Sometimes I go out of my way to do something, even if I don't want to do it. Its about give and take, and she is mostly used to just taking. So when I mentioned I needed more affection some days and noticed she wasn't really being affectionate, I think she took this hard, like it was almost like I'd leave. And at the time, she couldn't give me what I needed because she wasn't in a good place... .which could surely trigger engulfment.
She's just in this mood where she just hates me right now and is focusing on most of my bad.

She even told me that it wasn't me, and that it was her, and that she loves me... .but she's making herself seem so distant... .

When we first started seeing each other, she used to see a psychiatrist. No idea what happened to that, she's not on any anxiety meds... .she is on meds for ADHD.

I feel lonely, I'm trying to educate myself as much as possible to make sense of things... .I experience some anxiety when I think about whether or not she will want to talk to me... or if I've been devalued permanently. I'm trying to just keep busy but it hurts some nights I feel like I wait for her to just talk to me, or sometimes I feel like maybe I should just talk to her... .but then I stop. I get moments of sadness wishing I could just see her. I often think of wanting to tell her everything I know now... .and make her see that she just convinces herself she doesn't love me. But I feel like theres no hope