I really lost my temper

[coworkerfriend]

I couldn't help myself and now I am feeling terrible about it.  He has been pushing me and pushing me for months now.  I finally got the nonstop calling and texting to stop - he has given that up because I just don't respond.  I have been turning my phone off at night because every time I would see his name, I would get anxious.  I have been doing my best to keep my distance from him - which can be challenging due to work but I continue to try to be nice and "normal" when he is at work.  His mental state is very bad and he keeps canceling his therapy appointments.  Any moments of clarity he has I try to gently tell him that he can get help - he is not alone. 

This morning I just couldn't keep my mouth shut - I don't know what came over me.  He was threatening to call his ex - he was telling me how I have ruined his life - how I have taken everything from him - that he is depressed and it's all my fault.   How I never do enough for him - I never do what he needs.   I felt like my head was going to explode.  I told him that I am sick of him blaming me for everything and never remembering any of the nice things I do.  That I do things for him out of love and he doesn't understand that.   He started yelling at me and I immediately left.  It was kind of a blur but I just couldn't take it.  He didn't come to work today - I didn't expect him to - he said he was staying home and now I know he is expecting me to check on him.  I feel stuck.  If I check on him, the cycle continues.  If I don't check on him, the cycle continues.  I can't win.  I can't break this cycle with him. 

I am having a very hard time remembering the last time he was nice to me.  I can't remember the last time he apologized to me.  It is expected that I will just continue to accept his behavior because that is how he is.  I used to have hope that he had some self awareness and wanted to improve himself.  I don't think I believe that anymore.   For a long time, I fed into this behavior.  I feel terrible about that.   I feel like I did everything wrong. 

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[patientandclear]

CWF--it is completely understandable to want the person you have focused so much energy and caring on to be kind to you, not to manipulate you with threats of something he knows will hurt you, and to be hurt by him blaming you. Those are normal healthy human reactions.

I think the point you're making that you can't remember the last time he was nice is important, because I fear it could make you over-solicitous and prone to eggshell walking the next time he IS nice--water in the desert etc. I suspect you are starved for that.

Your point about how the cycle will continue no matter what you do is important. He sounds miserable. He feels terrible even though you love him and he is deeply stuck in making that your fault. He is shaming your efforts because wonderful as I know they are, they are not making him feel better. And he's got a complete explanation as you say when no matter what you do, he feels bad, so he can always blame whatever you do. Staying, going, initiating, not initiating ... .

He is relying on scapegoating you at a high level of intensity. As I've written you before, prior to my BPD r/ship, I was married to someone who made his unhappiness my fault at a similar level of intensity. We've been apart 11 years and though my complete removal from the picture has made it harder for him to tell himself that it's my fault he feels bad, he still swings into that from time to time (we have a child so we have to have some contact). It STILL is pretty tough to experience, even though I can easily draw boundaries and respond minimally given our current distance. That scapegoat role never feels good, but when it's nearly constant, no one exposed to that is going to fare well.

Please don't beat yourself up about what you said. For all you know it might be the one thing that gets through, now or later.

[Grey Kitty]

I couldn't help myself and now I am feeling terrible about it.

You are feeling terrible because he is in agony, and you are a kind, empathetic person who cares about him.   

Please take care of yourself, be kind to yourself.

As for lashing out at him under provocation, then leaving, I'm pretty sure that the outcome wasn't changed. He was going to be yelling at you until you left, no matter what you did. Leaving quickly was the right thing to do, and if you had done it before you spoke it wouldn't have made much difference.

The rest of what you are doing--not trying to save him from himself when he goes home and doens't eat or sleep, not taking his calls/texts to protect yourself, especially at night, it is all the best you can do. Stay strong.

I know you are hurting. And I believe you are strong enough to do the right thing even when you are hurting.   I wish there was something I could do about your pain.